Having Trouble Dealing with BF's Sexual Past (dating, boyfriend, girls)
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Im currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of a few months, but I have known him for quite some time. We dated off and on in the past when we were younger and but never made it official. We've grown older and matured and finally decided to make the move to be in a committed relationship. Ive found that Im having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of about his sexual past and I feel like this is interfering with me trusting him. He has had many a "conquest" and also cheated, but did have a long term relationship where he was engaged and did not cheat. Now, to be fair, Im no angel and have also cheated as well. Many people will say "once a cheater, always a cheater", but having been there myself, I dont hold that statement to always be true. I feel that my cheating, at least, was a lack of maturity on my part and not being with the right person.
I dont know quite what to do with all this knowledge of his whorish past and the impact on my relationship with him now. I have talked with him numerous times about my feelings, but he assures me that the past is his past. He says this a case where he "got it out of his system" and is now ready to settle down, so why am I still having these feelings of uncertainty?
Im currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of a few months, but I have known him for quite some time. We dated off and on in the past when we were younger and but never made it official. We've grown older and matured and finally decided to make the move to be in a committed relationship. Ive found that Im having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of about his sexual past and I feel like this is interfering with me trusting him. He has had many a "conquest" and also cheated, but did have a long term relationship where he was engaged and did not cheat. Now, to be fair, Im no angel and have also cheated as well. Many people will say "once a cheater, always a cheater", but having been there myself, I dont hold that statement to always be true. I feel that my cheating, at least, was a lack of maturity on my part and not being with the right person.
I dont know quite what to do with all this knowledge of his whorish past and the impact on my relationship with him now. I have talked with him numerous times about my feelings, but he assures me that the past is his past. He says this a case where he "got it out of his system" and is now ready to settle down, so why am I still having these feelings of uncertainty?
I believe him. He hasn't given you any reasons not to trust him, why sabotage a potentially perfect relationship?
Don't you want to be the man's last? Who wants to take the man's virginity for crying out loud?
I love men with tons of experiences. If I ended up being his last, that means I am the "ONE".
I know a lot of men just like your boyfriend. They are absolutely trust worthy. Just love him and enjoy his love. You have nothing to lose.
you need to settle your own ghosts of the past or insecurities before you can fully trust him...
sounds like you are getting serious and you are also getting scared-but using him as a scapegoat
this is common- we scare ourselves and want to run.... to protect us,,, because we've been burnt before, and buried the hurt/pain and betrayal-only to surface when things get heated up
being one with a whorish past, i am now quite loyal in LTRs, partly because of lessons learned the hard way (no pun intended). it also helps curb acting on wishful thinking about other potential partners believe it or not, which goes to lilly's point about being faithful to the one that is worth keeping.
sometimes i think that the famed mid-life crisis is partly due to a man's limited number of partners in his past and thus wanting something different than whats on the same menu, unlike a man who has the experience of a restaurant critic. plus it's well recognized that a man's libido does decline with age.
mainebrokerman's post may also be true i that this may be more about you than him, e.g., the ol' never say never thing.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Neither of you has a moral high card to pull on the other here. You both made mistakes in your younger years. It's possible he might always be a "seeking a conquest" type of guy, but it's also common that guys (and girls) go through that stage in their early 20's and then once they get older, decide they want something deeper/more substantial in a relationship.
being one with a whorish past, i am now quite loyal in LTRs, partly because of lessons learned the hard way (no pun intended). it also helps curb acting on wishful thinking about other potential partners believe it or not, which goes to lilly's point about being faithful to the one that is worth keeping.
sometimes i think that the famed mid-life crisis is partly due to a man's limited number of partners in his past and thus wanting something different than whats on the same menu, unlike a man who has the experience of a restaurant critic. plus it's well recognized that a man's libido does decline with age.
mainebrokerman's post may also be true i that this may be more about you than him, e.g., the ol' never say never thing.
Science may say that libido decreases with age, but in my experience dating men ranging in age from 45-58, the willingness is there..... Pharmaceuticals help with the rest.
In any relationship, if you don't have trust, you have nothing. I spent an extra 2 months in a relationship with a guy I caught cheating. The stress of being with him, always wondering what or who he was doing when he wasn't with me was not worth it.
Don't judge him, or yourself, by the past, but by how loyal you are to each other.
If you really can't let this go and if you really want this relationship to have a chance then look into some professional counseling. These sorts of unresolved insecurities are poisonous. Good luck!
... Now, to be fair, Im no angel and have also cheated as well. Many people will say "once a cheater, always a cheater", but having been there myself, I dont hold that statement to always be true. I feel that my cheating, at least, was a lack of maturity on my part and not being with the right person.
I dont know quite what to do with all this knowledge of his whorish past and the impact on my relationship with him now. I have talked with him numerous times about my feelings, but he assures me that the past is his past. He says this a case where he "got it out of his system" and is now ready to settle down, so why am I still having these feelings of uncertainty?
Now, about you.
Clearly you too have a "whorish past." How is he dealing with it?
Yours was a "lack of maturity" and "not being with the right person." Does this mean to you that your whorish conduct was not really your responsibility?
Conceivably you have a double standard going on here, a very forgiving one for yourself and a more rigorous one for him. Until you own your own past sexual conduct for what it was, you will never trust him because you will suspect that he is going easy on himself too.
you need to settle your own ghosts of the past or insecurities before you can fully trust him...
sounds like you are getting serious and you are also getting scared-but using him as a scapegoat
this is common- we scare ourselves and want to run.... to protect us,,, because we've been burnt before, and buried the hurt/pain and betrayal-only to surface when things get heated up
This is so true. I've always been on the defense trying to protect myself so I wouldnt get hurt. Probably also part of the reason that I cheated thinking that I will hurt him first before he hurts me.
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