Cutting off ties with adult stepchildren or leave husband? (wife, marriage, girls)
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My husband and I have been married for almost 24 yrs now, and together for over 25. We love each other VERY much - we are each other's best friend. He has 2 daughters from his first marriage, now 33 and 31 yrs old. We have 2 children from our marriage now 23 and 21 yrs old. His ex-wife used the girls as pawns throughout our life together, and often turn the girls against us. We never stopped trying, we would show up at volleyball games, or school functions, even if the girls would not talk to us. Well all this groveling to be in their lives, has set up a VERY bad relationship now as adults. The girls have never shown respect for me or my husband, they continue to manipulate him/us and use us. We've jumped through hoops for these girls, and gotten little in return. We've paid for their college, and both of their weddings and honeymoons - and at one of the weddings they did not even talk to us - never talked to our son-in-law again after that day, they've since gotten divorced - but 7 yrs of no contact.
We have grandchildren by one of the girls - both girls were married at one time. Now their husbands are disrespectful to us too, and literally treat me like a maid. I've been trying for so long now, 25 years, and I've cried so many tears, fretted so many days, maybe if I said this, or did this, or sent them this... well then they'd like me - but NO. They showed up years for Christmas without gifts for anyone, not even their own children - my husband and I provided all the gifts, same at Easter. Our youngest daughter graduated from High School and not so much as a handmade card - and they aren't even apologetic about it. The one stepdaughter and her husband bragged that they had not bought their kids ONE toy - that all the grandparents did - they now have 4 boys under the age of 7 yrs old. We don't get cards from them for birthdays, holidays... maybe a text message or a FB message. But we send them gifts, cards, checks... They expect us to buy groceries, take them out to eat, cook and clean, and wash the kids when we go there - and then we stay in a hotel, they have a small house.
Sorry this is so long, but as you can guess - I'm fed up. I have been hurt so many times (we both have) and manipulated and used, and you get wise, and you think, well that won't happen again - but it does. If you say "no" to them, then they get mad and don't talk to us... and that's where we've been.
Well to say I'm tired is an understatement, I've said so many times... I'm done, never again. But then I turn the other cheek because of my husband. This has caused me MAJOR depression, and I just can't do this anymore - I really want to be done with them, but I know my husband can never close that door, and I never thought I would ask him too... but I can't keep dancing this dance - for my own well being.
This is a family that does not communicate, and like their bio mother - holds a grudge until the day they die. I made the mistake of trying to talk to the one daughter and it did not go well. At the end of the day - what I really want is respect and I was told you have to earn respect. I then asked what I've done to disrespect them or to not earn respect and she had no answer, my husband felt she was winging whatever out there hoping something would stick, but he knows I've not disrespected these girls.
So what's a stepmom to do... I'm exhausted, spent, tired... don't want to cry another tear, or have the conversations going through my head another day, but I really don't want this to end my marriage - I LOVE MY HUSBAND, he is my best friend, my soul mate, and I know he loves me.
My husband and I have been married for almost 24 yrs now, and together for over 25. We love each other VERY much - we are each other's best friend. He has 2 daughters from his first marriage, now 33 and 31 yrs old. We have 2 children from our marriage now 23 and 21 yrs old. His ex-wife used the girls as pawns throughout our life together, and often turn the girls against us. We never stopped trying, we would show up at volleyball games, or school functions, even if the girls would not talk to us. Well all this groveling to be in their lives, has set up a VERY bad relationship now as adults. The girls have never shown respect for me or my husband, they continue to manipulate him/us and use us. We've jumped through hoops for these girls, and gotten little in return. We've paid for their college, and both of their weddings and honeymoons - and at one of the weddings they did not even talk to us - never talked to our son-in-law again after that day, they've since gotten divorced - but 7 yrs of no contact.
We have grandchildren by one of the girls - both girls were married at one time. Now their husbands are disrespectful to us too, and literally treat me like a maid. I've been trying for so long now, 25 years, and I've cried so many tears, fretted so many days, maybe if I said this, or did this, or sent them this... well then they'd like me - but NO. They showed up years for Christmas without gifts for anyone, not even their own children - my husband and I provided all the gifts, same at Easter. Our youngest daughter graduated from High School and not so much as a handmade card - and they aren't even apologetic about it. The one stepdaughter and her husband bragged that they had not bought their kids ONE toy - that all the grandparents did - they now have 4 boys under the age of 7 yrs old. We don't get cards from them for birthdays, holidays... maybe a text message or a FB message. But we send them gifts, cards, checks... They expect us to buy groceries, take them out to eat, cook and clean, and wash the kids when we go there - and then we stay in a hotel, they have a small house.
Sorry this is so long, but as you can guess - I'm fed up. I have been hurt so many times (we both have) and manipulated and used, and you get wise, and you think, well that won't happen again - but it does. If you say "no" to them, then they get mad and don't talk to us... and that's where we've been.
Well to say I'm tired is an understatement, I've said so many times... I'm done, never again. But then I turn the other cheek because of my husband. This has caused me MAJOR depression, and I just can't do this anymore - I really want to be done with them, but I know my husband can never close that door, and I never thought I would ask him too... but I can't keep dancing this dance - for my own well being.
This is a family that does not communicate, and like their bio mother - holds a grudge until the day they die. I made the mistake of trying to talk to the one daughter and it did not go well. At the end of the day - what I really want is respect and I was told you have to earn respect. I then asked what I've done to disrespect them or to not earn respect and she had no answer, my husband felt she was winging whatever out there hoping something would stick, but he knows I've not disrespected these girls.
So what's a stepmom to do... I'm exhausted, spent, tired... don't want to cry another tear, or have the conversations going through my head another day, but I also really hate to leave my husband.
When he goes to visit them you say, "I'll see you when you come home."
why would you continue to give them gifts and money? quit it. just stop. if you want till them there will be no more christmas gifts to adults that you will donate in their name to charity. under 10 age of grandchildren a token gift for important occasions. be polite but cut ties. if your husband wants to continue let him.
That's exactly where I am RIGHT now... I have stood up for myself and broke off ties. But my stepdaughter called her father saying we're family... and she wants it all to be swept under the rug AGAIN, and it's silly that we don't talk.
why would you continue to give them gifts and money? quit it. just stop. if you want till them there will be no more christmas gifts to adults that you will donate in their name to charity. under 10 age of grandchildren a token gift for important occasions. be polite but cut ties. if your husband wants to continue let him.
It's usually my husband who wants to send the check and big gifts, he earns the money - so I don't feel I have a say in the matter. BUT that being said, I am the one to send the cards, checks and gifts for the grandkids.
When he goes to visit them you say, "I'll see you when you come home."
He won't go without me - I've tried.
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