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EXACTLY - but how do I STOP when it's so far gone. The only way I see out is to get out of the marriage. When they were young, he made excuses for them, but now they're adults and this has gone on way too long.
Tell your husband, it's you or them. He has to make a choice. Again, ultimatums suck but this situation has gone on for 24 years too long.
If he is your soul mate, he will choose you. If not, move on. This isn't as complicated as you're making it.
He knows the pain, we've talked about it, we've seen counselors, he feels the same way - but he comes from a close knit family (Italian/Polish) Catholic - and no matter how bad it gets, you don't walk away from family.
THen you walk away from him. It's over. Get a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners. He deserves it for abandoning you. You don't have to move away to abandon someone.
I dont think Id even consider leaving your husband, if that relationship is good. I would certainly draw the line with the step-brats, tho. Let your husband do what he wants, they're his kids. Stop going to visit and stop trying to buy their love. Just let your husband deal with them. Dont let them ruin your marriage. You have your own kids to concentrate on.
Quit dealing with his children who have no respect for you or their father.
Tell him you will not be in contact with them again nor will you send gifts, checks, cards, etc. for the grand children.
The simple fact is you both have allowed them to continue to treat you this way and that is on you.
So now it stops on your side, let your husband decide what he is going to do from now on but whatever it is he is going to do it alone, without your help.
-Accept the fact that they do not like you. They never have. They never will. You guys will never be the Brady Bunch. Let go of that fantasy and this will start being a lot easier. I'm not sure why they don't like you, and it really doesn't matter at this point. But, is it possible they feel you might've been responsible for the break-up of their parents' marriage? Even if that's not the case, I notice that your kids together are 10 years exactly younger than his kids. That has to sting for his original kids that Daddy moved out to raise his new family, and abandon his old one. Even if that's not how it went down from your perspective, sometimes kids just can't have that worldly view on it when they're smarting from dad jetting off to have new babies and no longer living with the old babies. Do you really think YOUR shared children would be so keen on it if he'd traded you in after ten years and gotten a third wife and had new babies with her? I sympathize with you, and I sympathize with them too. Sucky situation for everyone.
-So with that said, I would stop expecting some huge gesture of love from them. Stop expecting that they're going to suddenly love the step-siblings that caused dad to move out on them and make them graduation cards or want to call them and tell them about their new baby. The family you formed with their dad may be a sore spot forever. You can say "get over it" but that's a lot easier to do when it isn't personal. For them it will always be personal because it was their dad they lost. I suspect your husband understands that, feels (somewhat rightfully) guilty about it, and that's why he keeps pushing this. He can't make up what he did, and I'm not even saying it was the wrong thing, but he recognizes the hurt that happened as a result.
-Decide what YOU want to do for them without the expectation they will ever do anything back for you. If you would get the grandkids presents anyway, do it. If you wouldn't, don't. If you're willing to support your husband in trying to have a relationship with his kids, do so, but without the expectation they're going to suddenly start loving you.
For the record - he stayed in the marriage YEARS longer than he should of, BECAUSE of the kids. He did not talk about his first marriage that much, but from the bits and pieces I've heard from family. He would work all day (and was going to college), he came home was with the kids, and she'd go out, and stay out til all hours of the night. Toward the end of the marriage - she was even bringing men home to watch TV in THEIR house in THEIR living room - so I WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF THE MARRIAGE FAILING. He tried taking her on a vacation, counseling... but nothing changed, it only got worse.
I met him after he was divorced, though I did not know it at the time - only months after the divorce was final - but it had been in the works for years. He refused to file, he stayed in the marriage - she eventually filed - and YES he gave her EVERYTHING out of guilt. He was just relieved it was over - I don't think he ever even thought about dating or even marrying again.
We didn't abandon his kids - we lived in the same city as they did so we were in the same school district - so they could be with us EVERY week! They were there when both of our kids were born, they came to the hospital, they have all referred to each other as BROTHERS AND SISTERS. We did eventually move out of state for my husband's job - but I drove 5 hrs round trip to go get them and take them back home for weekend visits, holidays... So we NEVER abandoned these kids - EVER!
It wasn't until the kids got older, and their mom put thoughts in their heads that we "owed" them, that things started to get ugly, and they didn't have to respect me... she even told them to tell me to "f" off on a family vacation - and she threatened to call the police - all because the one daughter was not happy that we were not doing what SHE wanted on the family vacation, and she called her mom. It was puberty age - their Mom wanted to be friends with the kids, be the "favorite" parent - the girls started exhibiting bad behavior, dressing pretty sleezy, bleaching/dying their hair crazy colors, even defending them throwing a party with alcohol at OUR house when we were out of town (they had a key). She let their boyfriends spend the night with them at the age of 14 yrs old... I could write a book - but she'd let them do anything to be the "favorite" parent, and she NEVER let us try to talk to them or counsel them, or even discipline them for that matter.
So DON'T make us out to be the bad guys here - we met, we fell in love, and YES I wanted to have kids. I've never been married before, and I've always wanted children - so forgive me. Our 2 younger kids have been through a LOT with these girls - and YES they've been treated like crap too, and DON'T deserve it. Our teenage daughter saved up her $ to buy her nephews (stepdaughter's boys) X-mas gifts... they don't understand any of this either - we attended all their sporting events, school activities, communions... don't think that we just left them in the dust.
We dragged our younger two kids all over weekend after weekend to attend my stepdaughter's volleyball games - or to visit them at college. Matter of fact, I now feel kind of bad about that - because many a weekend we were in hotels, instead of living at home... just so we could attend a volleyball game out of state. So don't think we EVER abandoned these girls - we even attended when they were not speaking to us, because their mother convinced them that we OWED them something, or we somehow wronged them in some way.
So don't think we EVER abandoned these girls - we even attended when they were not speaking to us, because their mother convinced them that we OWED them something, or we somehow wronged them in some way.
None of what you've written matters. Your husband has abandoned YOU to his older children. If you want to continue to be a doormat, that's your choice but for god's sake, quit whining about it, if you're not going to DO anything about it.
None of what you've written matters. Your husband has abandoned YOU to his older children. If you want to continue to be a doormat, that's your choice but for god's sake, quit whining about it, if you're not going to DO anything about it.
We talked yesterday, and again tonight. I told him I was done with the girls, and the ball was in his court - can he live with that. He said that his girls no longer NEED him - they're adults and can live their own life, make their own choices. He's tired of all the stress and drama too, and is okay with me being done, and can totally understand it. He said he'd love to talk to them, let them know how hard I've tried, and gotten no respect in return. I told him I don't think it'd do any good. He tried to tell his daughter yesterday - you go live your life... we'll live ours - it's okay if we don't see each other. But she tried to make him feel guilty-using the grandkids, saying she wants them to know their grandfather... sadly enough - that's where it hurts, is when it comes to the grandkids now.
We talked yesterday, and again tonight. I told him I was done with the girls, and the ball was in his court - can he live with that. He said that his girls no longer NEED him - they're adults and can live their own life, make their own choices. He's tired of all the stress and drama too, and is okay with me being done, and can totally understand it. He said he'd love to talk to them, let them know how hard I've tried, and gotten no respect in return. I told him I don't think it'd do any good. He tried to tell his daughter yesterday - you go live your life... we'll live ours - it's okay if we don't see each other. But she tried to make him feel guilty-using the grandkids, saying she wants them to know their grandfather... sadly enough - that's where it hurts, is when it comes to the grandkids now.
Well, the good news is, you two are on the same page.
The bad news is, his daughters will use their children to try to continue to manipulate you.
You guys need to work out a strategy for dealing with that and not letting it happen.
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