Cutting off ties with adult stepchildren or leave husband? (guys, loving, younger)
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EXACTLY - but how do I STOP when it's so far gone. The only way I see out is to get out of the marriage. When they were young, he made excuses for them, but now they're adults and this has gone on way too long.
My husband and I have been married for almost 24 yrs now, and together for over 25. We love each other VERY much - we are each other's best friend. He has 2 daughters from his first marriage, now 33 and 31 yrs old. We have 2 children from our marriage now 23 and 21 yrs old. His ex-wife used the girls as pawns throughout our life together, and often turn the girls against us. We never stopped trying, we would show up at volleyball games, or school functions, even if the girls would not talk to us. Well all this groveling to be in their lives, has set up a VERY bad relationship now as adults. The girls have never shown respect for me or my husband, they continue to manipulate him/us and use us. We've jumped through hoops for these girls, and gotten little in return. We've paid for their college, and both of their weddings and honeymoons - and at one of the weddings they did not even talk to us - never talked to our son-in-law again after that day, they've since gotten divorced - but 7 yrs of no contact.
We have grandchildren by one of the girls - both girls were married at one time. Now their husbands are disrespectful to us too, and literally treat me like a maid. I've been trying for so long now, 25 years, and I've cried so many tears, fretted so many days, maybe if I said this, or did this, or sent them this... well then they'd like me - but NO. They showed up years for Christmas without gifts for anyone, not even their own children - my husband and I provided all the gifts, same at Easter. Our youngest daughter graduated from High School and not so much as a handmade card - and they aren't even apologetic about it. The one stepdaughter and her husband bragged that they had not bought their kids ONE toy - that all the grandparents did - they now have 4 boys under the age of 7 yrs old. We don't get cards from them for birthdays, holidays... maybe a text message or a FB message. But we send them gifts, cards, checks... They expect us to buy groceries, take them out to eat, cook and clean, and wash the kids when we go there - and then we stay in a hotel, they have a small house.
Sorry this is so long, but as you can guess - I'm fed up. I have been hurt so many times (we both have) and manipulated and used, and you get wise, and you think, well that won't happen again - but it does. If you say "no" to them, then they get mad and don't talk to us... and that's where we've been.
Well to say I'm tired is an understatement, I've said so many times... I'm done, never again. But then I turn the other cheek because of my husband. This has caused me MAJOR depression, and I just can't do this anymore - I really want to be done with them, but I know my husband can never close that door, and I never thought I would ask him too... but I can't keep dancing this dance - for my own well being.
This is a family that does not communicate, and like their bio mother - holds a grudge until the day they die. I made the mistake of trying to talk to the one daughter and it did not go well. At the end of the day - what I really want is respect and I was told you have to earn respect. I then asked what I've done to disrespect them or to not earn respect and she had no answer, my husband felt she was winging whatever out there hoping something would stick, but he knows I've not disrespected these girls.
So what's a stepmom to do... I'm exhausted, spent, tired... don't want to cry another tear, or have the conversations going through my head another day, but I really don't want this to end my marriage - I LOVE MY HUSBAND, he is my best friend, my soul mate, and I know he loves me.
Cliff's notes version:
1. Great step-mom
2. Step-kids doormat stepmom
3. Step-mom tolerates because of her husband
4. Step-mom in agony (husband gets it but loves his kids)
Sounds similar to my deceased husbands debacle. All I can say is that his ex turned the children against him and they only used him for money. When the flow of money stopped he did not hear from them, even after he had cancer. I personally stopped contact with his entire family about 10 years before he died, I too had enough. They were not worth my health and our relationship.
When I placed him in hospice, out of courtesy I called his brother and advised him that he was never death and that I was staying at the hospice with him 24/7....well, guess what? His dear children drove from Ga to Fl, broke into our home, stole our safe with all our important documents in it, their dads jewelry, a lot of furniture and his car and off they went....he died several days later, they were long gone back to Ga.
To make a long story short, after 4 years in court, I prevailed, the car was returned, the furniture was paid for and the stolen stock certificate and original wills were returned.
I learned the hard way that I would never be considered a part of his family or be respected. I had often thought about leaving him, however, I decided to stay and just cut the users out of my life, staying was not easy, but, I muddled my way through it...I concentrated on my family and friends and the longer the no contact went on, the easier it got for both of us.
I feel your pain, and, I am sorry. IMO I would do what will make you happy and at peace.
Then continue refusing to go. If you're at the point where you're almost considering leaving the marriage because of relatives, he must surely see how much distress it's causing you.
If not, you need to do a better job of letting him know how upset it makes you.
EXACTLY - but how do I STOP when it's so far gone. The only way I see out is to get out of the marriage. When they were young, he made excuses for them, but now they're adults and this has gone on way too long.
Make him read this thread and the responses and the kind of inconsiderate jackass he is for what he put and is putting his wife through.
It's usually my husband who wants to send the check and big gifts, he earns the money - so I don't feel I have a say in the matter. BUT that being said, I am the one to send the cards, checks and gifts for the grandkids.
Adding to my other post, when I stopped communicating with my husbands family, I notified him that I would no longer be buying or sending any cards or gifts...the ball was in his court...and I never asked him whether he followed thru or not...not my problem.
Sounds similar to my deceased husbands debacle. All I can say is that his ex turned the children against him and they only used him for money. When the flow of money stopped he did not hear from them, even after he had cancer. I personally stopped contact with his entire family about 10 years before he died, I too had enough. They were not worth my health and our relationship.
When I placed him in hospice, out of courtesy I called his brother and advised him that he was never death and that I was staying at the hospice with him 24/7....well, guess what? His dear children drove from Ga to Fl, broke into our home, stole our safe with all our important documents in it, their dads jewelry, a lot of furniture and his car and off they went....he died several days later, they were long gone back to Ga.
To make a long story short, after 4 years in court, I prevailed, the car was returned, the furniture was paid for and the stolen stock certificate and original wills were returned.
I learned the hard way that I would never be considered a part of his family or be respected. I had often thought about leaving him, however, I decided to stay and just cut the users out of my life, staying was not easy, but, I muddled my way through it...I concentrated on my family and friends and the longer the no contact went on, the easier it got for both of us.
I feel your pain, and, I am sorry. IMO I would do what will make you happy and at peace.
I know this situation is NOT that uncommon, and I can't imagine what you went through. I pray it never gets to that degree, but I know our Will and dividing of our estate when we pass is going to be an issue, because I know he continues to feel guilt.
Make him read this thread and the responses and the kind of inconsiderate jackass he is for what he put and is putting his wife through.
He knows the pain, we've talked about it, we've seen counselors, he feels the same way - but he comes from a close knit family (Italian/Polish) Catholic - and no matter how bad it gets, you don't walk away from family.
EXACTLY - but how do I STOP when it's so far gone. The only way I see out is to get out of the marriage. When they were young, he made excuses for them, but now they're adults and this has gone on way too long.
Say what??? Act like a doormat again?
Put your foot down and say NO! Simple as that. And have your husband support you on this (much stronger than he has been).
You don't need to have them in your lives.
Why do you care? It sounds like they are out of the house and not harassing you, they just don't seem to like/respect you.
I mean you could just stop caring about them, they're over 30 years old and can take care of themselves. You don't have to socialize with them, you just choose to.
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