Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Wow, dig into what this all means to a therapist. This will alter your perspective on yourself, your choice of partners, your interpersonal values in a relationship, and will absolutely elevate what you find attractive in another person. So sorry you had to suffer being triangulated by both parents. There are generational boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, and it appears both parents did that to you. It doesn't mean you are messed up, but your experience exposes you to a lot of conflict you should have never experienced.
Your parents' story is a very, very common one for white people in the US in the mid-20th century.
They got married in the 50s for reasons other than wanting to -- more just because it was what people were supposed to do.
Then in the 70s, when new laws made it possible for women to have careers and earn decent money, many many women your mom's age (in their 30s) went back to school and started working. And, often, their husbands found this very upsetting.
This woman who had her own goals and dreams in life, and was successful at them, and was doing stuff other than just staying home all day -- she was not the woman he married. This life was not what he signed up for.
Sure, they now had a lot more money, thanks to her work -- but that was difficult too, for him, because he worried that if he wasn't the 100% breadwinner he might not be manly.
And, of course, he probably did not have any skills to express all this, and deal with it in a healthy way, even if he wasn't an aspie, and she probably didn't either.
There were a lot of divorces in those days, the late 70s and early 80s. Women completely rewrote what it meant to be a woman and a wife, and men did not know how to handle it.
I think it was worth it, for society. We now can tap into the skills and talents and intelligence of twice as many people. And women are happier -- and anyone who is happier is nicer. Plus sex is way better. .
But men are still reeling, and trying to figure out what it means to be a man, now that the definition of woman has changed.
Nila you said it perfectly. i cant elaborate because everything you said is true. im not dating but i work very hard. since i lost my mom ive developed a lot of anxiety, just had cancer surgery for the second time since last year but i keep on chugging along.
if my mom hadn't shared that with me 4 years ago i wouldn't have had the insight i have now. and its nice to know that what happened was common back in the day
i see women today as continuing to have rewritten that and i am totally bewildered by it. to me im in a stage where i feel "no good" no matter what i do or want to do. to want somebody means im "no good", to not want somebody means im "no good", etc etc. to want a male friend means im "no good". with women having rewritten what it means to be a wife and women, i see it as "WTF do they need me for"? if rthey can support themselves and i can support myself, WTF?
i actually consider myself lucky that i still have the energy and strength to wake up early in the AM and go to work and not feel suicidal or despondent. i don't derive pleasure from much but heck, i still have the spirit that was with me back in the 70's and that has never died. i honestly don't know what keeps me going
my dad just went thru the motions with me, saying what sounded good to try to get me interested in relationships but i always resisted him. something just didn't sit right with me about him, i didn't quite know what it was but i found out eventually--like 30 years later. he was doing nothing but just hiding his insecurities and his issues. how can a man who hasn't resolved his neuroses help his already neurotic son with the same issues?? i mean really, we gotta laugh or we'd cry, right??!!
my mom actually became more self reliant and self sufficient when my dad passed. and she stopped her dysfunctional ways with me too. it must have been tough for her, a woman who could support herself, to have to be dependent on my father, who deserved a more nurturing partner than what my mom could provide. and of course it was tough on my dad to have to deal with her too
and it was an awful feeling to know that dad didn't know how to win the respect of a woman and for me to think that. it was obvious he had no prior dating experience other than her, in fact i think my mom was engaged to someone else but for some reason broke it off and started seeing my dad. i have no other choice but to just focus on the positive, and to know that there was never any violence or substance abuse with them. miraculously their relationship was the pits but they were stable otherwise
i dont think he was an aspie but i think he may have been left back in school at one point. he still did well for himself and worked up to his early 60's.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. 
