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I have read some similar threads on here but have not found an answer to my question. I am a male, Married with teenage kids, my wife and I are the same age. We have been married for 20+ years and have a good relationship. I am interested in what women think of this and what there advice would be.
My question is this. my wife does not like to talk about our sexual relationship. From what I have read that is not uncommon. She does not communicate any sexual response to me during sex either and if I bring our sex life up she changes the subject. She never, or almost never, initiates sex. She will not perform sex acts on me unless I ask. If I do ask she will. (nothing to wild here). I have been making love to her and while she was enjoying it (she says she did) she would be pushing me away. when I ask her about this she says she does not remember doing that and everything was great, that's the end of it.
At the same time she almost never says no to my advances.
I am getting a bit frustrated here. I would like to keep our sex lives alive and well and I believe that takes some communication about what we want and how we want it, when we want it. How do I go about getting her to communicate about our sex lives or is it just not going to happen?
Does she have a past that includes sexual abuse or rape?
Was she brought up to believe sex (even marital sex) was dirty?
You probably are going to need counseling since you've allowed her behavior for all of these years. In her mind, she's probably wondering why are you pushing for change now.
I have read some similar threads on here but have not found an answer to my question. I am a male, Married with teenage kids, my wife and I are the same age. We have been married for 20+ years and have a good relationship. I am interested in what women think of this and what there advice would be.
My question is this. my wife does not like to talk about our sexual relationship. From what I have read that is not uncommon. She does not communicate any sexual response to me during sex either and if I bring our sex life up she changes the subject. She never, or almost never, initiates sex. She will not perform sex acts on me unless I ask. If I do ask she will. (nothing to wild here). I have been making love to her and while she was enjoying it (she says she did) she would be pushing me away. when I ask her about this she says she does not remember doing that and everything was great, that's the end of it.
At the same time she almost never says no to my advances.
I am getting a bit frustrated here. I would like to keep our sex lives alive and well and I believe that takes some communication about what we want and how we want it, when we want it. How do I go about getting her to communicate about our sex lives or is it just not going to happen?
Your expectations and desires are not at all unreasonable.
And while your wife's attitudes and responses are not atypical, they are not the norm either.
I highly suggest you ask her to see a marriage counselor with you.
A neutral third party could really help initiate the kind of conversation you want to have with her about this and other issues.
The good news is she is not outright refusing you, but clearly you are dissatisfied so you owe it to yourself and your marriage to dig deeper.
Does she have a past that includes sexual abuse or rape?
Was she brought up to believe sex (even marital sex) was dirty?
Very good questions.
Quote:
You probably are going to need counseling since you've allowed her behavior for all of these years.
Well yes, he will need counseling if he views himself as someone who can 'allow' or 'disallow' the sexual behaviour of others. But I see no indication that he thinks that way .
Quote:
In her mind, she's probably wondering why are you pushing for change now.
Probably so.
She can change if she wants to. It will be hard, and terrifying work. It will take at least a year, probably several, maybe even 5 or 10. It will involve reliving terrible traumas from the point of view of a helpless child. Many times.
She will need your love and support and a lot of slack during the years she does this work. And a lot of free time for recuperating from the sessions.
She will probably have to stop having sex with you for several years while she does the work, and then restart later. By that time, given your ages, both of your sex drives will have changed a lot, in unpredictable directions.
She probably senses all this, unconsciously, and thinks that you would not really be up for what it entails. You could think about that. Is she wrong?
^^^^Huh? It sounds like it has become monotonous and mundane for her and she's just rolling with it to fulfill the good wife role. Maybe warm her up some more, or give her a massage or something and don't even worry about you getting off. Maybe ship her off to a spa w/o the kids by herself.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kharing
Not to be graphic but, it sounds like she's never had a orgasm.
My first thought.
Does she masturbate? An Hitachi wand would be a great Xmas present... If she doesn't know what she needs to get off, it will be hard for you to figure out. Might open things up.
The hardest part her will be, well, does she want to change? This is something she will need to want to change for it to get better. She is probably content with it as is, which is unfortunate. Not sure what to say there.
A question for you though: Why did you marry someone that didnt crave sex with you?
Last edited by timberline742; 11-20-2013 at 08:12 PM..
I have read some similar threads on here but have not found an answer to my question. I am a male, Married with teenage kids, my wife and I are the same age. We have been married for 20+ years and have a good relationship. I am interested in what women think of this and what there advice would be.
My question is this. my wife does not like to talk about our sexual relationship. From what I have read that is not uncommon. She does not communicate any sexual response to me during sex either and if I bring our sex life up she changes the subject. She never, or almost never, initiates sex. She will not perform sex acts on me unless I ask. If I do ask she will. (nothing to wild here). I have been making love to her and while she was enjoying it (she says she did) she would be pushing me away. when I ask her about this she says she does not remember doing that and everything was great, that's the end of it.
At the same time she almost never says no to my advances.
I am getting a bit frustrated here. I would like to keep our sex lives alive and well and I believe that takes some communication about what we want and how we want it, when we want it. How do I go about getting her to communicate about our sex lives or is it just not going to happen?
I would suggest to have her hormone checked. She might have some kind of imbalance issues.
Thanks for the responses. I thought she might have had something happen in the past as well. I have asked about it and she claims nothing ever happened and that she had a normal childhood. she does have orgasms and doesn't give any indication that she does not enjoy our time together. its more a matter of participation.
banned - playing the good wife, is were I am at now.. my question then is if we can't communicate about what she wants or would like. how do we improve things? to me, this has to be a mutual endeavor. Counseling is probably a good idea, not sure if she would go.
Do you all have some ideas about how to go about helping our communication? do we try to read something together and discuss it? have any of you felt the way she feels and successfully changed your views and opened up about your sexuality and become more open and able to discus that with your spouse? if so , how did you do it?
I have read some similar threads on here but have not found an answer to my question. I am a male, Married with teenage kids, my wife and I are the same age. We have been married for 20+ years and have a good relationship. I am interested in what women think of this and what there advice would be.
My question is this. my wife does not like to talk about our sexual relationship. From what I have read that is not uncommon. She does not communicate any sexual response to me during sex either and if I bring our sex life up she changes the subject. She never, or almost never, initiates sex. She will not perform sex acts on me unless I ask. If I do ask she will. (nothing to wild here). I have been making love to her and while she was enjoying it (she says she did) she would be pushing me away. when I ask her about this she says she does not remember doing that and everything was great, that's the end of it.
At the same time she almost never says no to my advances.
I am getting a bit frustrated here. I would like to keep our sex lives alive and well and I believe that takes some communication about what we want and how we want it, when we want it. How do I go about getting her to communicate about our sex lives or is it just not going to happen?
i guess if she's not talking thats the first big problem as you dont know where to go. try to ask her if she still has an interest in sex or if she's just going along to please you. if she has a low libido theres health conditions and it can be addressed by a doctor and things should improve pretty quickly.
if not there's other issues. she has to talk about it or nothing will get better though. tell her how you feel, and see if she opens up and responds or tells you how she feels
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