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so, a potential love interest of mine dropped a bomb on me. pardon this long thread.
we are roommates (which i have dealt with in a previous thread and its a dead horse). over the past few months we have gotten to know each other quite a bit and i am a naturally vocal person and voice my interests and preferences freely. i had been quite clear about being a steady, one-man woman and he was aware of this. meanwhile we started to like each other and we kissed. nothing heavy, but it was nice and then he had to leave town.
while he was out of town we decided when he got back we would discuss the possibilities, and he was looking forward to seeing me again, and so on.
when he gets back, and we talk, he says that he likes me but that he is not monogamous and has "connections" with many women.
frankly, i feel a little offended that he passed up pretty much every opportunity to tell me about this, because he knew, and even mentioned in his telling, that i was completely the opposite. there was AMPLE opportunity for him to let me know this, and AMPLE evidence that this was not something i was going to go for, at all. in various conversations with other people in the room we talked about this very thing.
the fact that he withheld this info from me is my own problem. what i am finding really hard to digest is squaring this with the guy i thought that he was. i am finding it really hard to think of him in anything less than squeamish terms. i cannot help but think that it is woefully immature, and the men i have known who made that choice were all, by and large, creeps. and they always left a trail of women behind them who were if not happy to accept what crumbs he gave them, pretended to be to keep him in their lives. i have seen this TOO many times, and it sucks.
that being said, i am looking for some people out there who can reasonably explain such a choice that doesn't sound like garbage to me, and i have not found that. it just seems like an immature indulgence that has solidified into some kind of preference that is then couched in these terms of being a "nonconformist" and wanting your "freedom". as if freedom boils down to being free to indulge in your every whim without consequence. if that were true, we probably wouldn't exist.
is there something i am missing here? i simply cannot believe (and have never seen it happen) that a man can happily go through his life having "connections" wherever the wind blows him, never having to do any heavy lifting, never having to deal with the normal difficulties of day to day life with someone, and how that person could be ok with that when all other indicators are that the person is mentally healthy, stable, and sane.
and i know from all my years on this planet that i have NEVER seen a woman TRULY be ok with that kind of scenario, whatever the woman says to the man. its ALWAYS something that she tolerates, maybe even acts blithely like it doesn't bother her in the slightest, even befriending some of her guys' conquests to act "cool" but then secretly hiding behind locked doors and crying her eyes out when no one is looking. i have seen it happen dozens of times.
i'll be quite plain about it- i think its pretty creepy. for someone who seems so otherwise "evolved" and deep and caring, to be able to do that to numerous women and for them to be ok with it strikes me as just plain weird. i don't get it. i mean, i can even halfway understand how a man would fall in love with his HORSE before i would understand that.
the whole argument of "humans weren't meant to be monogamous" sort of sounds to me like a license to be a savage. nature didn't put clothes on us either, if it snows we better cover up. i don't think there is anything EMOTIONALLY natural about this scenario, or healthy. maybe when you are in your twenties and you say " i don't really want to settle down yet, so i am gonna date around", now that makes sense. that is actually VERY sensible and i have admired men in my past who told me this. that i can understand. but just taking on this mantle as a lifestyle is another thing entirely. how can someone truly know what love is in this scenario? love is a contract between two people, not three or four or five.
but i wouldn't be posting this if i wasn't keen on understanding. please, someone, with this sort of mindset, tell me why you feel this way and how you can reconcile the inevitable hurt that you bring to the partners in your life. i am very interested in understanding this.
on one hand, i can see your point, he could have been more upfront,,
on the other hand, if this is the worst, thats ever happened to you,,,consider yourself lucky...
you need to have thicker skin,,,at least this guy was honest,,,,after the kissing,,,he could have waited til after the sex
sounds like you are feeling some hurt, and it sucks,,,,this is part of youth and learning, we've all been there, chaulk it up to a learning ecperience,,
not everything is logical, or makes sense, and guys can be opportunists, and un explainable jerks,
since high school, guys usually get that there are some girls, you can have a fun time with-whether its just a kiss, or more, and no relationship is expected, while there are other girls, if you kiss them, you may have to marry them (that was the old saying)
also keep in mind,,maybe he is backing away because he respects you,,,, knowing if he went any further- it is going to be an exclusive relationship, and its too heavy for him to deal with now-he doesnt want that..
some guys (yes-jerks) would lead you on, try to get all they can, and then back off...like climbing a mountain,,, once you make the summit,,,and look around,,,,time for another mountain to climb
"humans weren't meant to be monogamous" sort of sounds to me like a license to be a savage.
You're entitled to your opinion. But some people which is both men and women have different lifestyles.
It's called free will.
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how can someone truly know what love is in this scenario? love is a contract between two people, not three or four or five.
Part of the norm is two people, yes. Being in an open relationship is not your thing so you need to find a guy who wants to be exclusive with you.
I don't get the hostility here. He thought about it and changed his mind because monogamy is not for him. He doesn't sound like a bad person to me. I'll have to give this guy some credit that's at least he's being honest. You don't agree to it so just acccept the fact that a one on one relationship is not for him (at least not with you) and just move on.
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i am looking for some people out there who can reasonably explain such a choice
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i think its pretty creepy
Me thinks you already have your mind made up and you are looking for a fight.
For the record I am not in this lifestyle but I do not have anything against what adults preferences are and what is agreed to. Better to be open about it than cheating which goes on with both men AND women. The cheating which is the same as lying/dishonesty is what I have a problem with.
Last edited by John13; 11-23-2013 at 06:02 AM..
Reason: typo
You come across as narrow minded and very conditioned by your upbringing to only think monogamy is acceptable. Many people disagree, and practice ethical, consensual non-monogamy. However, you can ask for and expect monogamy if you choose. On the other hand, even supposedly monogamous partners will disappoint you given that about half of all people fail to adhere to monogamy at some time in their relationships. Be prepared to deal with this possibility in future relationships.
Your attitude - while it sucks, IMO - isn't the issue here. The problem is that your roommate lied to you. He crossed an ethical line by not practicing ethical non-monogamy.
Your biggest problem is "squaring it with the guy you thought he was"? That's because you made up who you thought he was in your head, only focusing on the good attributes you could see ("He's amazingly clean!").
In one of your previous posts, you said he "obviously" had feelings for you. SO first lesson is to learn to distinguish between "feelings" and a hard-on. This may be why the other roommates moved out.
Next lesson: Stop overthinking it. He does this because he can. It works for him.
You said you'd rather regret the things you'd done. Are are you ready to listen to the so-called lily-livered rest of us now?
He lied, you went headfirst into a stupid situation that we all told you was stupid. Live and learn.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 11-23-2013 at 07:35 AM..
You're disappointed because YOU felt a strong connection and want to be in a monogamous relationship with HIM. He doesn't want the same thing.
Don't want to hurt your feelings, but he does not prefer YOU to all other options. The quicker the bandaid comes off, the quicker you get over it.
There are plenty of reasons people don't want to settle with just one partner. Sounds like this guy is still playing the field and is genuinely interested in several women he started things with before he kissed you. If you're not happy with that, then it's good you're mad now. Keeps you from pursuing a mutually unsatisfactory relationship.
Your own post lays out the reasons non-monogamous people often hide it.
You see non-monogamous people as "savage." You feel entitled to heap negative judgments on this man because of how he chooses to live his life. Yet, divorce rates stand at 50%. Cheating is rampant, both within marriages and in non-martial romantic relationships. Please, tell me again how superior monogamy is to non-monogamy.
That said, non-monogamous people still bear a lot of responsibility for this. What has caused the huge increase in public acceptance and understand about gay people over the past few decades? In large part, this happened because gays and lesbians came out of the closet. Once they did that, straight people could see that gay people were not a tiny fringe of weirdos, but people they already knew. They suddenly realized their brothers, sister, cousins, friends, co-workers, etc. were gay. And they knew all those people we not crazy. Coming out removed a lot of the stigma formerly attached to being gay.
Surveys suggest non-monogamy is far more common than people think it is. But unlike gays and lesbians, non-monogamous people haven't come out en masse. This refusal to come out and be seen is what allows ignorance and stereotypes about non-monogamy to persist.
I've been in an open relationship, and I am capable of loving more than one person at the same time. However, in terms of relationships, I can only be in one relationship at a time. I'm a big advocate for ethical, consensual non-monogamy. It is an acceptable relationship practice. I simply prefer monogamy.
And yes, ethical non-monogamy is actually not that uncommon. I know quite a few who are in open or polyamorous relationships.
i can even halfway understand how a man would fall in love with his HORSE before i would understand that
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Originally Posted by nighthouse66
i don't think there is anything EMOTIONALLY natural about this scenario, or healthy
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Originally Posted by nighthouse66
but i wouldn't be posting this if i wasn't keen on understanding. please, someone, with this sort of mindset, tell me why you feel this way and how you can reconcile the inevitable hurt that you bring to the partners in your life. i am very interested in understanding this.
Why would anybody take the time to do that? You seem very firmly entrenched in your way of thinking.
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