Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
- As others have mentioned, fix the story timeline.
- Make your writing voice more consistent - you are switching between the voice of a Russian princess (my heart is scarred...) and the POV of a 15 y.o. gamer ("lads and gents")
- Change your lead character's name from Catharina to Svetlana (sounds more authentic). Call her Svetbabe for short.
- Add a more developed back story for Svetbabe (e.g. she defected from the Bolshoi Ballet after secretly becoming pregnant with the older director's twins)
- You are switching settings too much - apt., country house, office, parent's home. This is hard for the reader to keep straight.
That's all I've got for now....
An excellent editorial review, with many great suggestions for better writing
Makes me wonder how many times the OP has been here. I'm sure I recognize that writing style. New and a story that has a high amount of shock value (Cheating spouse and actually catching them in the act with babies in stroller...Right!) is the first thing that lights up the red flag. Most contain inconsistencies are easy to spot. If the OP got her kids ages right I would have only thought a 25/75 chance of it being a ruze.
Entertaining though, especially with everyone adding their corrections
Everyone needs to give a op a break. Yall are questioning the timeline and ages of her twins and whatnot but you guys are the one that got it all wrong. She said they met when she as 22 and 3 years later he proposed and then got married. Never did it say they married 3 years later. He proposed 3 years later and couldn't it be possible that the engagement was for years after that when they finally got married. Y'all trying to be detectives and all but lets try get do a better job getting he facts straight unless I myself missed something which I'm sure y'all will point it out to me.
im from Dominican Republic, im so sorry for my English..i can speak better than writing it.
i thought by posting my problem i would get some advice .. guess i was wrong. im really so sorry to bother you all...
Another rubbish post from an internet nerd who has never even been kissed?
Let's see. You married at the age of 25 (2008) , became pregnant in 2009 at the age of 26 and, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, your twins were born three years later (2012)? Hell of a long pregnancy!!!
BTW, it seems you have forgotten whether you gave birth to one child or to a set of twins.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catbabe
Hello lads & Gents.
My name is Catharina & I've just turned 30 this April 2013.
And this is my story I have 2 wonderful children (twins) Amber & Kylie; they just turned 1 last week.
I met my husband Dean when I was 22, and he proposed to me 3 years later and got married.
Our life was not that perfect but as every normal relationship we had our ups and down. But apart from that we made a good team.
His parents love me, and my parents adore him for being who he is with his kindness and all.
To me he was the apple of my eye, and I couldn't picture my life without him. We had our fairy tale wedding that we always talked about. We both had a successful carrier. 5 months after our wedding we finally move out in the apartment we were renting, and we bought a beautiful home outside the city. The smell of nature and the view was amazing. After our first wedding anniversary I got pregnant, and we were so happy to have received this baby. He would never miss a doctor appointment for the baby ultra sound. I could still remember I was 4 months pregnant and the doctor told us we would be having twins. It was a big joy, but also a big challenge with 2 babies.
After the twins were born, things started to change. I know that a baby can change a couple lives but I made sure I spend as much time with him as possible. I was ready to give up my carrier for my family and become a full time mum & wife.
While he was at work I cook and clean, so that when he comes home after work everything is done, so that we could talk a little bit. Until he starts having private text messages, run out side to answer his phone, until I asked him what’s wrong. He would just go like “it’s a work thing”.
Few months went by; I took the twins to their appointment. And drop by my parents’ house, where I collect some take out, few seconds my phone ring and its him “babe I’m going to be late tonight love you!” then he hang up. Since I’ve already collected the takeout and I was on my way home with the twins, I decide to give him surprise visit my dropping him some food to eat as he was coming home late.
I quickly rushed to the elevator with the twins in the stroller.
As I reached on the 28th floor, I started to smile really big, as if I was a 5 year old girl going to see Santa!
Finally I reached to his office door and open as I said “surprise” GOD it wasn't the surprise I was expecting to see.
I saw him ****ing his secretary on the couch on the left in his office.
It was like hell came down on me. I just froze their speechless, filled with anger and a broken heart.
I still spoke no words. It’s like something was stuck in my throat it was the worse feeling ever.
I run out and quickly get home, as he didn't stop calling me.
I pack some clothes and some baby clothes with their bottles. I didn't had the courage to drive, I felt really hearth broken.
I couldn't look my own parents in the eye and said he cheated on me. Reached my parents’ house, my dad quickly run outside saw me crying he scream out my mother’s name, she run outside quickly, as my father took the twins inside, all I could do is break down and scream as my mother hold me tight in her arm, for a minute a felt home and secure, but after that It was pain all over again.
I just kept wishing to myself, “I wish I never went their” it’s like the image is a scar in my head that I can’t wipe out …
It’s been 3 weeks now, and I haven’t answered any of his text or call. But he comes to see the twins as my parents let him
I still love him…but I don’t know if I could ever forgive him what he has done to me…
What should I do?? As he claim it was just 1 time and he feels sorry for what he did…..
Please help me guys.
I don’t know what to do ……………………
Another rubbish post from an internet nerd who has never even been kissed?
Let's see. You married at the age of 25 (2008) , became pregnant in 2009 at the age of 26 and, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, your twins were born three years later (2012)? Hell of a long pregnancy!!!
BTW, it seems you have forgotten whether you gave birth to one child or to a set of twins.
You guys need to do a little bit more reading before doing your detective work!
Everyone needs to give a op a break. Yall are questioning the timeline and ages of her twins and whatnot but you guys are the one that got it all wrong. She said they met when she as 22 and 3 years later he proposed and then got married. Never did it say they married 3 years later. He proposed 3 years later and couldn't it be possible that the engagement was for years after that when they finally got married. Y'all trying to be detectives and all but lets try get do a better job getting he facts straight unless I myself missed something which I'm sure y'all will point it out to me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
