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There's a lot of wisdom on this thread, so perhaps you all can help me out. I have a fiance (engaged for two years) who is basically a good guy, but an obsessive/compulsive regarding orderliness and cleanliness (follows you around with a broom and dustpan) and probably slightly depressed. He lives in a three bedroom, two bath home which he bought 1.5 years ago "for us" and I live in a condo in a nearby town with my high-school age son. We tried living together but an OCD (with tidiness issues) person and a teenage boy do not mix. So, I moved into the condo about a year ago and my son and I live there happily with our dogs (also a problem for an OCD/tidiness oriented person). The fiance and I visit back and forth. Please note that my household is very tidy, but I'm not OCD about it.
I have a surgery coming up which will require me to recuperate over the holidays and the fiance indicated that he wanted me to recuperate at "our house." I figured that would work, as I had my sister coming in to stay at my condo and she would be with my son and dogs.
Just found out my Dad will also be joining us for the holidays. He is mid-80's in age and doing well considering, but has trouble with stairs. He has previously stayed at my fiance's, where there is a first floor bedroom. When I asked my fiance if my Dad could stay at the house during the holidays, he was not enthused and basically vetoed the idea.
I am very disturbed by this because I have been told that the house is "our house" and I'd like to have my retired doctor Dad there because I am going to be recovering from surgery and there's room at the house for him. My fiance wishes to travel to visit his family for part of the holidays, so he will not even be there the entire time. His last word on this was that my Dad can visit during the day but is not allowed to stay overnight. There is no bad blood between fiance and Dad; fiance just has difficulty with people in the house.
All this is making me think I that don't want to stay at "our house" as it is bringing back a lot of the reasons why I moved out in the first place last year. How would you all handle this?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
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I would end the two year engagement as you will never live together and aren't compatible. I'm guessing you don't even have a wedding date and never will anyway.
why are you even contemplating a future with this man?
He cannot tolerate your son; he will not tolerate your dad; he does not like your dogs.
You will never be able to live in "our house" as long as HE is in it!
Thanks--clarity from impartial observers is always appreciated! Sometimes it helps to hear others say what our inner voice has been telling us all along!
why are you even contemplating a future with this man?
He cannot tolerate your son; he will not tolerate your dad; he does not like your dogs.
You will never be able to live in "our house" as long as HE is in it!
This^. It seems to be "our house" as long as everything is his way.
BIG red flags, sis. I'd give this dude the hand. He's your fiance, not a fling. He should not be disrespecting your family like that if he is going to be marrying into it in the future. It's not like your aged father is coming to stay there forever. He's just planning to visit for the holidays. This should not be an issue.
If he wanted to make a life with you, he'd be working on those OCD issues like crazy. Instead he appears to want to be able to fit you in around his hangups.
I don't know you, but I think it's safe to say you deserve so much better.
I would end the two year engagement as you will never live together and aren't compatible. I'm guessing you don't even have a wedding date and never will anyway.
Sadly, I have to agree.
You don't live in his house and it sounds like your name is not on the deed and you keep putting "our house" in quotes, as though deep down you know it's not really your house, it's his. It seems to me you're ignoring the significance of the fact that moving out after discovering you aren't compatible is a huge problem and a step backwards in the relationship. Perhaps you think that once your son has moved out and maybe taken the dogs with him, you will be able to live together but this issue with your dad is evidence that this won't be the case. You say your fiance has difficulty with people in his house - well, you're "people" too.
This is a bigger issue than merely where to stay while recovering from surgery over the holidays. Unless he can get his condition more under control, he's never going to be able to share his space with anyone, even you.
"Our house" but neither your son nor father can stay there, eh. I'd end it with this guy. He doesn't want a partnership; you're a pet that still needs more training.
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