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I kinda find it alarming that he maintained his cold stance when you broke down crying. Men usually fall for that stuff. The fact he called you out on crying and added names to it, might show you something about him. Women are gonna cry, especially after a big fight. And that's when we are supposed to back down a little instinctually and give in, some. Unless you did something really bad. LOL.
I think you acted somewhat immature for not just telling him what you wanted and building up steam that he did not read your mind. But his lack of empathy when you backed off and began crying is a bit alarming to me.
Interesting point. You might have something there. OP, how has he reacted during the smaller fights you two have had? Why have you had so many fights in the first year of being together, anyway?
Yes, it was immature to go quiet and sad. But when you spoke up and told him what was bothering you, he yelled at you and called you ridiculous and badly behaved. That was also incredibly immature and childish, of him. And it is probably part of why you didn't speak up sooner.
Now he is blaming you, and you are blaming yourself, and people here are blaming you. And no one is talking about him being equally at fault, which he was.
This is how abusive relationships start. They start with him saying it's all your fault and you accepting that. And they end with you in danger for your life.
Don't go down that road. Hold him accountable for his behaviour. Yelling, calling names, and blaming you for what he does are not acceptable.
Being upset with you when you don't communicate is ok, but he has to own that. HE is upset -- YOU did not make him upset. HE acted out in a childish way when he was upset. (And so did you.) You two can work together to learn to communicate in a healthier way, but that means he has to change, too. Not just you.
I suggest a Compassionate Communication class. They are free or extremely cheap, available all over, and awesome.
I kinda find it alarming that he maintained his cold stance when you broke down crying. Men usually fall for that stuff. The fact he called you out on crying and added names to it, might show you something about him. Women are gonna cry, especially after a big fight. And that's when we are supposed to back down a little instinctually and give in, some. Unless you did something really bad. LOL.
I think you acted somewhat immature for not just telling him what you wanted and building up steam that he did not read your mind. But his lack of empathy when you backed off and began crying is a bit alarming to me.
It's also interesting that he's fine with telling her he needs space when she's already gonna be far away anyhow.
Do you suppose he could've been angling for an argument or a chance to put some distance between them?
I did think his continued cold behavior after one big fight when she was going to be going far away was a bit much. Surely he must've realized she might get emotional about spending Christmas apart?
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Yes, it was immature to go quiet and sad. But when you spoke up and told him what was bothering you, he yelled at you and called you ridiculous and badly behaved. That was also incredibly immature and childish, of him. And it is probably part of why you didn't speak up sooner.
Now he is blaming you, and you are blaming yourself, and people here are blaming you. And no one is talking about him being equally at fault, which he was.
This is how abusive relationships start. They start with him saying it's all your fault and you accepting that. And they end with you in danger for your life.
We have one side of the story.
Who knows how many times this scenario has played out in their relationship? Who knows how these fights have started?
I don't see a ton of abusive behavior red flags in her OP.
I DO see a lot of bratty behavior red flags, though.
ive always said, you dont know someone, til you want to set them afire... (get in a fight)
its how you resolve a conflict that matters..
So true.
OP, you know, the mundane activities of life are a fact of life and will be part of any relationship. You still have to run errands, eat, shop, clean, pay bills, do your taxes, etc. Perhaps you could have told him that you wanted to spend some quality time alone with him doing whatever you wanted with him beforehand.
I'm assuming he told you what he wanted to do, and you agreed, instead of telling him what you wanted to do. Then you acted like a child when you were doing what you both agreed to do.
I'm only speaking for myself here, but whether I'm at home or out shopping with my lady, I'm happy to be spending time with her and I consider every second quality time, so if she started acting like a child shouting at me about quality time, and asking me if I wanted to break up, I'd be insulted and pissed, especially if she was the one who wants to be away for 3 weeks.
You don't hang a break-up over someone's head as a passive threat to get what you want. Sure, be angry, have an argument, vent, whatever, but doing that shows a total lack of respect for your SO and your relationship, IMO.
I don't think asking someone if they want to break up is 'hanging a break-up over someone's head as a passive threat'. I read it as, she was asking if he was breaking up with her.
Which is generally not a good idea to ask during an argument, but is not a threat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
I don't see a ton of abusive behavior red flags in her OP.
I don't either, yet. But I do see movement in that direction, especially in the aftermath.
Quote:
I DO see a lot of bratty behavior red flags, though.
I don't think asking someone if they want to break up is 'hanging a break-up over someone's head as a passive threat'. I read it as, she was asking if he was breaking up with her.
I understand what you mean when it comes to certain situations. Say he hasn't called her in a few weeks or is constantly all over other women, but in this situation she was passive-aggressively threatening him.
They are out shopping, which she clearly greed to, acts childishly, then when he calls her on it she asks him if he wants to break up, out of no where. She was either trying to manipulate him to do what she wanted to do in the first place or trying to make him feel bad for letting her know that she was being ridiculous.
Did he overreact? Maybe. I don't know that I'd throw an otherwise awesome relationship out over it, but I would definitely make it clear that I don't expect someone that I love to question our relationship over something as mundane as going shopping before she left town. I mean, really, of all the things in the world to even argue about...
They are out shopping, which she clearly greed to, acts childishly, then when he calls her on it she asks him if he wants to break up, out of no where.
It wasn't out of nowhere.
She acted childishly, then she womanned up and told him why she was upset, then he yelled at her and called her names, then they had a screaming fight, and then she asked him if a breakup was what he wanted.
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The fact he called you out on crying and added names to it, might show you something about him. Women are gonna cry, especially after a big fight. And that's when we are supposed to back down a little instinctually and give in, some. Unless you did something really bad. LOL. 
