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You need to find ways to fight fair. Add to your bibliotherapy armamentarium the Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, by John Gottman. Fighting will be a part of any human interaction, insofar as we are blessed with wills and opinions. Fighting fair should become part of how we engage suitably, to help both parties win. This is exhausting work and you will likely see him retreat more (he's winning in his eyes, though he's losing at the relationship). He needs to see, from an outsider's perspective, the benefit and value of communication. He has the power in the relationship, by making the environment emotionally void with silence. He then has a volcano fit because he hasn't 'blown off steam.' The Gottman book is empirically based and a benefit. I have suggested it frequently for persons needing help. This would be a nice Christmas present for the two of you, on top of getting a professional counselor, because you should both read it and compare notes.
Counselors can be found through local universities, in most graduate programs for ministers (ministerial counseling), social workers (LCSW, MSW), marriage and family therapists (LMFT), licensed professional counselors (LPC's), and psychologists (Ph.D. and Psy. D.). Everyone has to start somewhere, and their training facilities are great places to get help. Not costly, a great benefit, and all win. Specific to training facilities, they typically have 40-60 years supervisory experience on all cases, and access consults with supervisors nearly every other day to weekly. You also should find someone you fit with and stay with them. Both of you should interview the counselor and try to find someone who does individual as well as couple's work.
If it's something as simple as cooking/shopping why just trade weeks where you are solely responsible; or days of the week, or some such guideline that takes the guesswork out of it?
And just for efficiency, why not stock-up on stuff a little? We could literally (sans the fresh produce/dairy) cook for probably a month straight. We haven't grocery shopped since Thanksgiving (due to holiday stuff). I have chicken, heavy cream and mushrooms that need to be used before they go bad, so it's probably chicken thighs in a mushroom dijon cream sauce. We have potatoes and left over gravy, so mashed potatoes and gravy, add a salad with the last of the tomatoes, garbanzo beans, beets, onions, celery. I usually cook with what's on hand, and my mood for the evening.
I still think you guys need to work on communication, but solve the main gripe first.
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If it's something as simple as cooking/shopping why just trade weeks where you are solely responsible; or days of the week, or some such guideline that takes the guesswork out of it?
And just for efficiency, why not stock-up on stuff a little? We could literally (sans the fresh produce/dairy) cook for probably a month straight. We haven't grocery shopped since Thanksgiving (due to holiday stuff). I have chicken, heavy cream and mushrooms that need to be used before they go bad, so it's probably chicken thighs in a mushroom dijon cream sauce. We have potatoes and left over gravy, so mashed potatoes and gravy, add a salad with the last of the tomatoes, garbanzo beans, beets, onions, celery. I usually cook with what's on hand, and my mood for the evening.
I still think you guys need to work on communication, but solve the main gripe first.
We've tried to plan a menu for the week and stock up on stuff like frozen veggies but we mostly cook fresh vegetables. And for some reason we just have not been able to stick to the menu or we go out to dinner or he'll work late and pick something up to eat and I don't like eating alone so I won't eat. I just went to the store to get 3 days of dinner minus Christmas so I'm going to try again on even a smaller menu and see if that'll help. I agree with the communication but I have no idea what to do about that I can't get him to open up
We've tried to plan a menu for the week and stock up on stuff like frozen veggies but we mostly cook fresh vegetables. And for some reason we just have not been able to stick to the menu or we go out to dinner or he'll work late and pick something up to eat and I don't like eating alone so I won't eat. I just went to the store to get 3 days of dinner minus Christmas so I'm going to try again on even a smaller menu and see if that'll help. I agree with the communication but I have no idea what to do about that I can't get him to open up
I really don't get what the problem is.
Tomorrow make chili. If he eats out, just have a bowl. Save some for leftovers. Freeze the rest for when it's needed.
Repeat with other dishes.
Don't even make a menu. Buy some chicken, steaks, ground beef... put it in the freezer. If you guys are eating at home take one of those out.... look in the produce drawer.... green beans? Add those.
I guess I'm wondering if this is truly a communication issue.... or you guys are creating a mountain out of a molehill.
I really don't know.
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Tomorrow make chili. If he eats out, just have a bowl. Save some for leftovers. Freeze the rest for when it's needed.
Repeat with other dishes.
Don't even make a menu. Buy some chicken, steaks, ground beef... put it in the freezer. If you guys are eating at home take one of those out.... look in the produce drawer.... green beans? Add those.
I guess I'm wondering if this is truly a communication issue.... or you guys are creating a mountain out of a molehill.
I really don't know.
If you look back I believe I also stated that he also complains about needing more help around the house with the chores. Examples laundry, dishes I do help with things but when I get home I like to relax for a an hour but when he gets home he starts right off cleaning. I get home 1 or 1/2 before he does so it bugs him that I'm chilling and there's dishes or laundry. If you look back I also stated that on his days off he will get up at 5am and start cleaning before I get up because I like to sleep in on my day off. So it's more than just cooking, honestly I feel like he wants to control me or have me mKe up for the years he did most of the housekeeping .
I think he just believes his way his the right way and you should be doing everything his way. My dad was that way, and I used to be that way with my husband, until I understood that people do things differently and you can't micromanage.
You just need to read one of those books. BOTH of you. You aren't going to get a solution here. Read the books. Do the work.
If you look back I believe I also stated that he also complains about needing more help around the house with the chores. Examples laundry, dishes I do help with things but when I get home I like to relax for a an hour but when he gets home he starts right off cleaning. I get home 1 or 1/2 before he does so it bugs him that I'm chilling and there's dishes or laundry. If you look back I also stated that on his days off he will get up at 5am and start cleaning before I get up because I like to sleep in on my day off. So it's more than just cooking, honestly I feel like he wants to control me or have me mKe up for the years he did most of the housekeeping .
But I'm communicating with you on the cooking right know.
When he comes home, tell him "I'm relaxing until 5 and then I'm going to do the dishes and put in a load of laundry."
It's obvious he feels you are not pulling your weight, and I do get the feeling you may have a lot of excuses. I don't know. While you are relaxing, unwinding and sleeping in he is trying to keep a household running.
I would guess it's not an issue of him wanting to control you, but merely he doesn't want all the chores to be controlling him.
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But I'm communicating with you on the cooking right know.
When he comes home, tell him "I'm relaxing until 5 and then I'm going to do the dishes and put in a load of laundry."
It's obvious he feels you are not pulling your weight, and I do get the feeling you may have a lot of excuses. I don't know. While you are relaxing, unwinding and sleeping in he is trying to keep a household running.
I would guess it's not an issue of him wanting to control you, but merely he doesn't want all the chores to be controlling him.
It's true in the first part of our lived he took care of me, the house, the cooking, I didn't mind I was young and the baby of the family before we got together. It was who he was the husband that does it all and honestly I think he liked being seen that way, and I liked being taken care of. It was like that for a long time but he got over it and I got tired of feeling like he was my parent. So we decided that we needed to work on sharing the load so I started doing the shopping but because I didn't "watch my spending" he took over that again. When I tried to start helping out more with the chores he would get up crazy early on the weekend to start cleaning. Instead of trying to comprise and wait for me he'd get mad because I would get up at 5am to help out. So now what I've been trying to do seeing how I'm a late cleaner is I'll clean up before I got to bed so that there won't be anything to do in the morning. I'm trying to do better I want this to work but He's the kind of guy that has to do something I'm the kind of person who can just relax than work on what needs to be cleaned. I say he wants to control me because he makes me feel like he's keeping score, he doesn't tell me what he needs instead he holds it in than gets mad or treats me diffrently or won't have sex until he feels like I'm doing as he wants.
I think he just believes his way his the right way and you should be doing everything his way. My dad was that way, and I used to be that way with my husband, until I understood that people do things differently and you can't micromanage.
You just need to read one of those books. BOTH of you. You aren't going to get a solution here. Read the books. Do the work.
It's true he is very much the kind of guy that believes his way is always right. LoL he says "I once thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken." I will be going to the book store and get me those books I've been working on myself so I can be the best I can be so I know I have tried all I can to be a good partner.
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I will be going to the book store and get me those books I've been working on myself so I can be the best I can be so I know I have tried all I can to be a good partner.
