Moral Dilemma - Will decision to wait to have sex come back to bite me? (dating, Christian)
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First off, I wanted to say that I searched through this forum to read some threads about what people think of virgin guys in their mid-20s, and the answers shocked and appalled me. I've always figured there are some really shallow people out there who would not date a virgin because they would want sex as quickly as possible and want the sex to be as amazing as possible. But it seems like the vast, vast majority of people seem to want nothing to do with a guy in his mid-20s that is still a virgin, or who has chosen to wait to have sex until he is in love with someone. That's just flabbergasting to me. I guess I figured there were still people out there who valued the person more than the act of having sex, and would therefore be willing to wait for someone if that person meant a lot to them. But clearly I was quite wrong about that one.
Now, regarding how this applies to me: I grew up in the Bible Belt with the assumption that waiting for marriage to have sex is something that at least a decent amount of people did. I knew there were people in both camps, but I never felt like a "freak" for choosing to wait to have sex.
Now I am 25, still single, and have been moving around the country a bit. I have seriously dated two girls in the past two years, and when the topic came up, both girls said they had never even HEARD of someone intentionally waiting a long time to have sex with someone. Never even HEARD of it they said. That issue was the deal breaker in both of those relationships - they did not want to wait for me to be ready to have sex.
I saw a stat recently that said 51 percent of single women would not date a virgin. They wouldn't even DATE A VIRGIN! WOW. How shallow are people in general that even if they found someone they liked and cared about a lot, and were highly compatible with, they would immediately break it off when they found out this other person has not had sex before. My God. Not to mention, how many more women would not date a virgin who wanted to wait even longer to have sex?
Waiting until I am in love with someone to have sex with them has always been really important to me, but now I'm starting to wonder if that would result in me being single my whole life, especially with those shocking statistics. My mind has been completely blown lately with how everyone in America views virginity and people who want to wait to have sex. Freaks, basically, who shouldn't be touched with a 10-foot pole.
So I'm faced with several options:
1.) Go have casual sex with someone just for the hell of it, just because it seems that's what people do these days. I would feel terrible and really guilty about sacrificing my ethics and morals, but I would apparently increase my potential dating pool by more than 100 percent in adding those women who would not date a virgin for whatever reason. That's still appalling to me.
2.) Pretend I'm not a virgin and just proceed to have sex in a normal timeframe with the next girl I begin to date. I'm cool under pressure, and I feel I could play it off pretty well, especially after studying a lot on the internet about how exactly to go about doing it all. The problems here are that A.) I would still feel terrible about sacrificing my ethics, and B.) I'd be worried she could tell I was a virgin, and then based on the overwhelming trend of shallowness seemingly prevalent these days, she would go ahead and ditch me because I was a virgin.
3.) Stick to my ethics and morals and hope that it lands me with a girl whom I really like that feels the same way. This seems less and less likely based on the national perception of virgins and people who wait to have sex. The problem here is that, apparently, from what I am gathering now, only crazy freaks actually wait to have sex. I consider myself a normal, very well adjusted guy, and so I assumed there are other well adjusted people out there who feel the same way. But maybe there are not. Maybe my only choices if I wanted to wait to have sex are crazy, overly Christian girls who won't even kiss until their wedding night.
First off, I wanted to say that I searched through this forum to read some threads about what people think of virgin guys in their mid-20s, and the answers shocked and appalled me. I've always figured there are some really shallow people out there who would not date a virgin because they would want sex as quickly as possible and want the sex to be as amazing as possible. But it seems like the vast, vast majority of people seem to want nothing to do with a guy in his mid-20s that is still a virgin, or who has chosen to wait to have sex until he is in love with someone. That's just flabbergasting to me. I guess I figured there were still people out there who valued the person more than the act of having sex, and would therefore be willing to wait for someone if that person meant a lot to them. But clearly I was quite wrong about that one.
Thoughts?
See, this is false logic.
Some people have pre-marital sex AND value the person they are with. Many people who DO have sex while dating don't just "want sex as quickly as possible." Your two choices presented here are NOT the only choices. I grew up in the Bible Belt as well, and you need to realize that your way is not the only way.
I can tell you, from experience, that 9 times out of 10 a satisfying sexual relationship with a virgin man and an experienced woman is very rare. I think your best bet is to find a girl who also is a virgin. And work on opening your mind just a teeny bit.
#3 buddy. I'm in the same boat that you are...even a little longer waiting period, but in regards to your situation..if you have faith, then you know in your heart of hearts that God will eventually bring someone in your life who thinks pretty much the same way that you do. That's what I'm waiting for. I want to wait until marriage as well, but now i'm thinking maybe shortening that to becoming engaged might be a good first step. Remember, not ALL girls are as shallow as you think. PM me if you want to discuss more, but keep the faith brother and don't fall for sexual temptations!
Some people have pre-marital sex AND value the person they are with. Many people who DO have sex while dating don't just "want sex as quickly as possible." Your two choices presented here are NOT the only choices. I grew up in the Bible Belt as well, and you need to realize that your way is not the only way.
I can tell you, from experience, that 9 times out of 10 a satisfying sexual relationship with a virgin man and an experienced woman is very rare. I think your best bet is to find a girl who also is a virgin. And work on opening your mind just a teeny bit.
No, I completely understand that, don't get me wrong. What I was saying when I say that people value sex more than the person, is that waiting to have sex has always been really important to ME. It's something that I strive for and have stuck to so far. But when girls I am starting to date find that out, they are basically done with me. Even if we hit it off immediately and really like each other right off the bat. When they find out I'm waiting to have sex, that's the end of it. To me, that means that having sex is clearly more important to them than being with me. That's a choice they make, and I don't bash them for it, because they are in the majority, not me. It's the same old story every time. Meet a girl, hit it off, get along well. Then after a couple of dates they start expecting us to have sex and I have to explain my ethics in that area, and they run off and forget about me. It's depressing.
No, I completely understand that, don't get me wrong. What I was saying when I say that people value sex more than the person, is that waiting to have sex has always been really important to ME. It's something that I strive for and have stuck to so far. But when girls I am starting to date find that out, they are basically done with me. Even if we hit it off immediately and really like each other right off the bat. When they find out I'm waiting to have sex, that's the end of it. To me, that means that having sex is clearly more important to them than being with me. That's a choice they make, and I don't bash them for it, because they are in the majority, not me. It's the same old story every time. Meet a girl, hit it off, get along well. Then after a couple of dates they start expecting us to have sex and I have to explain my ethics in that area, and they run off and forget about me. It's depressing.
I don't see it that way. Why does their choice have to be a character flaw? You have made different choices than they have, and to me it sounds like they have the guts to realize that rather than keep dating you and trying to change your mind or put you into one of those situations we see so often here where "one thing led to another and 'our clothes came off.'" Ahem.
The way you present it is a non-sequitur. Once doesn't have to lead only to the other.
#3 buddy. I'm in the same boat that you are...even a little longer waiting period, but in regards to your situation..if you have faith, then you know in your heart of hearts that God will eventually bring someone in your life who thinks pretty much the same way that you do. That's what I'm waiting for. I want to wait until marriage as well, but now i'm thinking maybe shortening that to becoming engaged might be a good first step. Remember, not ALL girls are as shallow as you think. PM me if you want to discuss more, but keep the faith brother and don't fall for sexual temptations!
Don't you ever question whether it's an either/or thing there? Don't you think there are good Christian guys (or girls) out there who keep waiting and waiting and waiting for God to show them the right person, never sacrificing their morals or ethics or anything like that, and just never end up with anyone?
Despite the vast number of people out there who are categorized in the Christian faith, the number of people who actually keep some of those Christian values are sort of a dying breed.
To me it feels like you have to either a.) give in and sacrifice some of your morals to be with an attractive, well-adjusted girl, or b.) take a chance that the right girl might eventually come along, but it means there's also a chance that right girl for you will never come along, and you will be alone your whole life.
You know when you are little and you make this huge list of things you look for in a future wife, and it's both really specific and really greedy? And then as you go along in life, you realize that you are going to have to give up nearly all of these aspirations and simply be with someone whom you like a lot and are attracted to, etc. For example, let's say you are looking for a girl that loves cooking, plays the guitar, travels around the world and wants a lot of kids. Eventually you might find a girl that loves traveling, kids and is a pretty good cook but is not musical at all. But you are attracted to her and get along amazingly. You would be pretty selfish to ditch her just because she didn't play an instrument, right? Because if you are still holding out for someone who meets all those values perfectly, you could be alone forever. Well, should Christian values be on the cut list as well? Is it selfish to ditch a girl you otherwise get along with amazingly just because she doesn't meet a couple of those same values such as waiting to have sex? Is that gonna keep people like us single forever for our unwillingness to budge from that?
No, I completely understand that, don't get me wrong. What I was saying when I say that people value sex more than the person, is that waiting to have sex has always been really important to ME. It's something that I strive for and have stuck to so far. But when girls I am starting to date find that out, they are basically done with me. Even if we hit it off immediately and really like each other right off the bat. When they find out I'm waiting to have sex, that's the end of it. To me, that means that having sex is clearly more important to them than being with me. That's a choice they make, and I don't bash them for it, because they are in the majority, not me. It's the same old story every time. Meet a girl, hit it off, get along well. Then after a couple of dates they start expecting us to have sex and I have to explain my ethics in that area, and they run off and forget about me. It's depressing.
Have you ever thought that maybe they think, that you think, they are "unethical" or "immoral"? I, at 27 would NEVER date a virgin. Our values would be on very different pages. I did grow up religious and I had those values until I was about 18 when I lost my virginity. I thought because we had sex we had to get marriage and he must love me. NOT the case. I think I grew up to be a well adjusted adult, despite what I once believed.
It's not that having sex is more important than being with you. It's that having sex is part of being with them. To them it comes across as your morals are more important than the relationship with them.
Have you ever thought that maybe they think, that you think, they are "unethical" or "immoral"? I, at 27 would NEVER date a virgin. Our values would be on very different pages. I did grow up religious and I had those values until I was about 18 when I lost my virginity. I thought because we had sex we had to get marriage and he must love me. NOT the case. I think I grew up to be a well adjusted adult, despite what I once believed.
It's not that having sex is more important than being with you. It's that having sex is part of being with them. To them it comes across as your morals are more important than the relationship with them.
But the question is would you date a virgin who wasn't a virgin simply for religious reasons. Or a virgin who was a virgin for religious reasons, but had changed their mind but simply hadn't had sex yet since changing their mind?
I understand if you say, "I wouldn't date a hardcore Christian." But not dating someone for the sole reason that they are a virgin seems very shallow to me.
Abstaining from sex before marriage does not make you more or less moral than anybody else. Sex, in and of itself, is an act that is independent of ethics.
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