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She is afraid to go on anti-depressants. They put her grandfather on anti-depressants after a heart attack (which is normal) and he ended up whacking himself. He was a happy-go-lucky guy. Later, the drug he was on was linked to suicides.
It does sound like you're going to have to figure this out the hard way. I understand it's hard to drop a person while she's down, especially one you've grown to love.
Depending on the kind of support system she had in place before you came along and how easily she finds a new job will determine how well she recovers from her most pressing issue: employment. You should not support her or even make it look like you will because she won't make enough effort on her own behalf to take the necessary steps.
Her second most pressing issue is mental health. It's my guess she has more problems than the occasional outburst. Her finances are a shambles, for example. What else? If you feel the need to help her, walk her through the steps of getting into the healthcare system. Make it a condition of your continued communication --not even your relationship. It won't cost her a thing at this point, but it will give her access to counseling, which you won't have to pay for either.
Will she accept and respond to treatment or will she relapse once she thinks your relationship is secure? No telling. It depends on how deep her issues go and how willing she is to improve herself.
It's also very convenient and much more tolerable to keep her in the role of "damaged partner," diagnosing her and handing her articles about what's wrong with HER so you don't have to consider what issues YOU may have to work on.
I guarantee there's more to it than being "out there," whatever that means, and working in a male-dominated field.
Yes, she obviously has major problems. But you cannot continue to play the role of "totally healthy, objective observer" in this.
And regardless of how many articles you read, it doesn't matter how many boxes she checks off on your Perfect Woman list if "sociopath" is the last unchecked box.
I'm not necessarily attracted to people who need to be fixed or taken care of, but I like the idea of being the contrarian smart enough to see the good in someone.
Then be smart enough to see that you're in an abusive relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kemosabe666
But if I'm crazy, please tell me.
Well, you're certainly attracted to crazy, and that usually indicates a different form of crazy. (Most of us end up with people who are roughly as sane or healthy as we are.)
I am in middle age and have been dating someone for over 10 months. They have a lot of qualities I've been looking for in a woman: Great sense of humor, Christian, chaste, extremely intelligent and mostly a gem of a human being. She has never been married, no kids, very attractive and hasn't dated someone for any length of time for 15 or more years. We clicked instantly and have been dating ever since.
I really like ... love ... the girl but I am at my wit's end.
But all is not well in Whoville. She is insanely jealous and behaves erratically sometimes. We might have a few nice days together, but eventually she'll start acting like a lunatic. She constantly worries that I'm going out with other people or searching the internet for profiles.
There have been at least three occasions where she has gone off on me while overcome with jealousy. Once, I was out for a beer and she slammed a patio door on my finger. This wasn't intentional, but she was mad enough to slam the door. More recently, she shoved me around the apartment.
In fairness, when she gets on one of her jealousy tangents, I'll usually say something sarcastic and that incites her even more.
Friday I was picking her up after a flat tire and finding out she was being laid off from her job. She was acting frantic about getting a new tire and was getting on my nerves. (She has no money and still wanted to spend $100 on a new tire for a car she is getting rid of in a few weeks.)
I forget what I said, but I responded sarcastically to something triggering her jealousy and she threw her french fries and a drink at me while driving. After raising my voice and taking her home, I threw the drink back at her and told her I was done with her. She refused to leave my car and I threatened to call the police.
She finally left the car and ask what was she going to do about her tire. I told her, "I don't really care anymore. That's your problem." Yes, I was ticked off.
I know I'm crazy to even ask, but she has such great qualities and I don't want to lose her. Is there any hope?
Expecting a tongue lashing from you all.
You've been taking this crap for 10 months? Really? Could her short fuse have something to do with why she's being laid off? If you've really fallen for this girl, go ahead and see if she will go to Anger Management classes for her, and christian couples counseling for the two of you.
My three biggest criteria have always been smart, sense of humor, Christian. Everything else is negotiable for me.
I think that's the problem here. If abusive behavior is tolerable to you as long as it comes from a smart funny Christian, then you obviously have every right to carry on in this relationship. I have to wonder, though, as I often do, why you asked the forum for advice if your only intent was to argue against it rather than heed it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kemosabe666
Nahhh, barking up the wrong tree with the psychobabble.
While I often laugh at some of the amateur psychological analysis that goes on around here, this is one of those rare cases where nearly everyone responding to you appears to be spot-on. People on this forum rarely agree on anything, so anytime such an overwhelming majority does, it's probably worth taking heed. I realize that you said you like being contrarian, but you also must have asked advice for a reason.
I'm wondering how her good qualities outweigh her bad when she goes into jealous rages that make you afraid for your safety. Add in that she's horrible with her money, just lost her job, and expects you to pick up the tab on things she can't afford. What qualities are so good that can overcome those bad ones? She's smart and she's a Christian (supposedly - I thought the goal of religion was to be kind. Not to slam your boyfriend's finger in a door in a fit of rage). You can't save her or fix her. She has to do that for herself. If she knows she has problems with being insecure and not being able to control her temper to the point that she hurts you, then she needs help and it's on her (and her pocket book) to get that help. It might be one thing if she was in some kind of counseling and really really trying to fix this, but she's not.
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