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Let me start off by saying I'm dating a really, really great guy. He's everything a girl could want- he wants to get married, have a house and family, the whole nine yards.
I don't think boring is word I myself would use, he's smart and perfectly able to engage in interesting conversation...he's just an extreme creature of habit. He'll actually refuse sex if it cuts into his sleep schedule 30 minutes ...which is ok I guess because it's bad anyway.
Other than that, I love him because he's a mans man, can fix anything, is extremely intelligent and kind, treats me very well, and we have tons of interests and values in common. I'm ashamed to say, I enjoy him most after he's had a couple drinks and loosens up a bit. My friends and family love him, and I adore his family.
I just don't know what to do. I've been in deadend relationships too long in the past and don't want to do the same thing again. I want to be sure. I don't know if it's just me being broken beyond repair. He wants to get married eventually...I told him I'm just not ready to talk about that yet. Hurting him is the absolute last thing I want to do....any ideas?
After reading, and rereading your post, to make sure I really understood, it appears that you are trying to talk yourself into staying with this terrific guy who isn't right for you. You're right he does sound like a good catch, but he is not the guy for you. He's right on paper, but you just can't force chemistry and that inexplicable zing when things are right.
You can break up with him now or get in even deeper hoping things will change. If you stay you will marry him, wind up bored out of your mind, and end up divorced. Some things just can't be justified/rationalized/forced and this is one of those things. There's someone out there for you, but as long as you hang on to this relationship you're losing the opportunity to find the guy you should be with long term. Best wishes. I know this is not easy and I'm sorry.
I agree with Sunnydee's assessment of your situation and will add that you already know he is predisposed to not change if you two get married. His ex-wife left him for essentially the same reason you are writing about here. And it's not likely anything will be different if you do marry him.
I hate to see an otherwise good relationship break down, but your issue is a pretty fundamental one (personality conflict) that seems unlikely to be resolved.
Let me start off by saying I'm dating a really, really great guy. He's everything a girl could want- he wants to get married, have a house and family, the whole nine yards.
I don't think boring is word I myself would use, he's smart and perfectly able to engage in interesting conversation...he's just an extreme creature of habit. He'll actually refuse sex if it cuts into his sleep schedule 30 minutes ...which is ok I guess because it's bad anyway.
Other than that, I love him because he's a mans man, can fix anything, is extremely intelligent and kind, treats me very well, and we have tons of interests and values in common. I'm ashamed to say, I enjoy him most after he's had a couple drinks and loosens up a bit. My friends and family love him, and I adore his family.
I just don't know what to do. I've been in deadend relationships too long in the past and don't want to do the same thing again. I want to be sure. I don't know if it's just me being broken beyond repair. He wants to get married eventually...I told him I'm just not ready to talk about that yet. Hurting him is the absolute last thing I want to do....any ideas?
Quit now. I'm sorry for your loss. This guys seems to have been someone safe and secure with whom you could spend time. And now you're about done with him. He bores you in the sack and you have to slap disclaimers on him that his conversation ain't all that bad. This is not the most compelling description of a boyfriend I've ever heard.
But if there's no chemistry between you two and you stick with it, worse things will happen. You'll get more and more bored with him, you'll resent him more, and you'll feel more trapped. Then you'll likely do something rash in your life to drive him away.
Do both of you a kindness and end it now. It is really the kindest thing to do for him and yourself.
It's so hard because I love him so much. I wouldn't say it's a personality conflict, just a passion one. The thought of leaving him is like a punch in the stomach, and the thought of another woman being with him makes me crazy. This is why the situation sucks so impossibly bad-- I don't WANT to break up with him. part of me is telling me I should; another part of me is telling me I'm a fool for wanting greener pastures when I have such a good man here
Let me start off by saying I'm dating a really, really great guy. He's everything a girl could want- he wants to get married, have a house and family, the whole nine yards.
Not to discount anything else you said, but the whole thread could be summed up in these two paragraphs, but more specifically, the bolded part. You moved on too soon and I suspect you already know that. Everyone grieves differently. For some, maybe half a year would be fine. My dad waited a year after my mom passed to go on a date. My sisters said he was moving too fast. He was married to a lady six months after they met and they lived a happy life together until he himself passed seven years later.
Everyone grieves differently.
You are still grieving and it's perfectly normal fourteen months later. It sounds like Alan is a good guy, if a bit dry, as you put it, but you'renot feeling it and you're not ready for the next step. That's not your faut or his fault, but it's also probably not fixable. I feel bad for both of you, but in the long run, I suspect both of you will realize breaking up is the best thing for both of you.
And Alan will find someone else who is into him. And you will likely find someone too when the time is right.
I wish you the best of luck and feel for your situation.
If you love him in every way other than your bedroom skills, maybe you need to be honest with him. Tell him you don't feel like your connecting on a passionate or sexual level. This will most likely be a very difficult conversation, but if there's any chance for improvement and change, this conversation is where it's going to begin. It's a stretch, because the task of changing a passionless person into a crazy sex monster is nearly impossible, but it's certainly worth a try. Tell him you want to talk to a sex therapist, tell him the things you want, pop in a porn... Whatever you need to do. Doing these things will give you one of two results: One, there's a chance the therapy/sexy talk/porn might actually work (yay!), or two, it won't work and as a result it might show him that you two are not really connecting as you should, making the breakup a little bit more comprehensive to him, and on your end you'll know you did absolutely everything you could to make the relationship work.
If you don't leave, you'll probably end up cheating. You likely don't think so, or even think you're capable. But all it takes is one night after years of sexual frustration, the right hot guy, its the right time in your cycle, and a couple drinks.
If you love him in every way other than your bedroom skills, maybe you need to be honest with him. Tell him you don't feel like your connecting on a passionate or sexual level. This will most likely be a very difficult conversation, but if there's any chance for improvement and change, this conversation is where it's going to begin. It's a stretch, because the task of changing a passionless person into a crazy sex monster is nearly impossible, but it's certainly worth a try. Tell him you want to talk to a sex therapist, tell him the things you want, pop in a porn... Whatever you need to do. Doing these things will give you one of two results: One, there's a chance the therapy/sexy talk/porn might actually work (yay!), or two, it won't work and as a result it might show him that you two are not really connecting as you should, making the breakup a little bit more comprehensive to him, and on your end you'll know you did absolutely everything you could to make the relationship work.
True desire cannot be learned, negotiated, or paid for with therapy. This is a dead end. She needs to do this guy a favor and leave.
Although pretty active, our sex life is boring with a capital B. I daresay it's the worst sex I've ever had....consistently. He's not really doing anything wrong, per se, there's just no passion.
That right there would have me ending things.
Regardless, eight months is not a long time to grieve someone you had intended to marry. It doesn't sound like you gave yourself enough of a chance to heal.
In your shoes, I would end it, and I would consider it a favor to both myself and Alan. You deserve the passion you want in a partner, and he deserves more than a woman who will "never be over" the death of a fiance.
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...which is ok I guess because it's bad anyway. 
