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She has told me that if we split it will affect her just as bad as a divorce, she also says that she is crazy about me and can't imagine her life without me in it and she does not know how she will cope if I leave... this has really made me feel very guilty It is also putting immense pressure on me to stay even if that is not what I want to do. This is one of the reasons I have been going back and forth last couple of months.
I agree. Very manipulative. Do you really want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life....or at least until you reclaim your once lost manhood that's sitting in a jar on the bookshelf?
I can understand feeling guilty a bit, but honestly, are you the type of man who feels he needs to save or take care of a woman? Here is a woman, who so far, doesn't want to live where you want to live, doesn't have a good job and wants to be a SAHM, but wants to live in uber expensive CA? Has basically made it a joke that you want to live elsewhere and guilt trips you about wanting things that's outside of her "plan". You do realize she has a plan, right? You just happen to play the role of "husband". It doesn't sound like she's really interested in what you want.
If you marry this woman out of guilt, that will be you in the future. Feeling uber guilty, about to buy your XW a home because she can't take care of herself and well, you continue to enable her and allow her to live off of you.
I'm not saying you absolutely have to end it, but so far, you haven't said one thing that has shown me that this woman is actually ready for marriage.
Brief background, i'm in my late 30s and my GF is in her early 30s. Currently live in Southern California and are renters. We do not live together and have been with each other for just about 2 years.
My objective has always been to buy my own place and get ahead which I find hard to do here. Early on in the relationship I had made it clear that I may make a decision to move out of SoCal. She was onboard with the idea. However as time went on she started resenting the idea more and more. Now when we are at get togethers or parties she brings it up to gather support from other SoCal natives so that she can disparage my idea about moving... and of course other natives give her lot of support and frequently will ridicule me for even thinking of leaving "paradise". In addition she has tried to convince me to stay here in SoCal since her entire family is here and even insinuates that I am being selfish by choosing to move.
Her argument is that it's better for her future kids to be closer to family and it's better to be closer to her support structure. In addition she says that she will NOT work and be a stay at home mom if she has to move out of SoCal because she will not allow anyone to watch her kids.
I see the picture from a different viewpoint... I have done a full analysis and have found that in some other cities I will be able to buy a home and pay it off within 5 years, save a lot for retirement, send my future kids to very good schools and enroll them in many different activities, take vacations etc. In addition I know many people who are in other cities by themselves raising kids with no problems - in a new city you make new friends etc. She is the type that always needs to be within a mile of her family and friends, I am the type who can head to Timbuktu tomorrow and start a new life there without blinking an eye.
In SoCal there is this view by natives that everyone who is living outside of California is a miserable sod who hates their life and only wishes their life could be like someone living in the paradise they call California. You see, I am not originally from CA so I see the crap for what it is. I have also lived in other parts of the world and was perfectly happy... I didn't miss California one bit. CA has a huge number of problems but that is the discussion for another thread of course.
Living here may work for her but it does not work for me. When we discuss it she says she will move on the condition that she gets to visit back home 4 times a year. But even so I know she is not at all happy about moving.
My take on it is that if we move out of Cali together her unhappiness is going to cause serious issues in our relationship longer term and it's better to go solo if I am making the decision to move. She is trying to compromise so that we can stay together but she is the type who will agree now but be unhappy later and it will come back to haunt me.
One more key thing to know is that she does not make much money so it's not like her financial contribution is going to change things and my nature being extremely financially conservative refuse to take on exorbitant mortgages (like most do here in CA) so that I can own a place.
Is it time to throw in the towel and move on?
The reason that people DATE is to find out if they are compatible. Obviously, this is going to be a constant bone of contention for you two. Why don't you find a girl who is supportive of your goals instead of one that is going to be in constant conflict? That doesn't make sense. There are a million people out there, you will find the right one if you keep looking.
She has told me that if we split it will affect her just as bad as a divorce, she also says that she is crazy about me and can't imagine her life without me in it and she does not know how she will cope if I leave... this has really made me feel very guilty It is also putting immense pressure on me to stay even if that is not what I want to do. This is one of the reasons I have been going back and forth last couple of months.
If the bolded is true, she would be willing to move for you. Call her on it, and ask her if you're important enough to her for her to relocate with you.
Clearly, she's already chosen her family over you. There's nothing to feel guilty about. She's made her choice. You're free to move on with your life.
She has told me that if we split it will affect her just as bad as a divorce, she also says that she is crazy about me and can't imagine her life without me in it and she does not know how she will cope if I leave... this has really made me feel very guilty It is also putting immense pressure on me to stay even if that is not what I want to do. This is one of the reasons I have been going back and forth last couple of months.
I wouldn't say that she is intentionally playing the guilt card, but your reaction to her words is pretty normal. She has freaked and is telling you what she feels. But you also need to take care of yourself and I believe you just said that you do not want to stay.
Good info, thanks... I am thinking to approach the subject of breakup suddenly is painful? Ideally I would've liked to give some distance first as forewarning... but I do not see any other way since right now we virtually spend every night together.
She's had forewarning. Two years ago you told her you eventually wanted to move. Every since then, she's been trying to talk you out of it. There's her warning. For me, the dealbreaker would have been using other people to try to get you to change your mind.
And as someone else said, don't get her pregnant. I would actually suggest one tried and true birth control method over all others -- not having sex with her. If you become a father, 95% likely you ain't moving nowhere.
...... she is crazy about me and can't imagine her life without me in it and she does not know how she will cope if I leave... ....
There's your opportunity. You want to give her lots of warning. When she says this, you reply that she had better start figuring out how she is going to live without you because you are moving to Texas next year without her.
Again, at this point be exceptionally careful to not get her pregnant.
It sounds like if it comes down to the relationship or moving, you are going to choose moving. There's nothing wrong with that, but if she feels equally strong about staying, then I don't see how it can work out. One of you will have to give up something you really want and whoever gives is likely going to end up being resentful of the other. I lived away from home for a few years and it's not that easy to go home all the time. It's expensive and it takes up all your vacation, so vacations are always spent going home instead of going on a real vacation to somewhere you've never been. There's wrong with wanting to move to a lower COL area and there's nothing wrong with wanting to stick with the place you grew up and be close to your family. You two just have different priorities.
I agree. Very manipulative. Do you really want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life....or at least until you reclaim your once lost manhood that's sitting in a jar on the bookshelf?
I can understand feeling guilty a bit, but honestly, are you the type of man who feels he needs to save or take care of a woman? Here is a woman, who so far, doesn't want to live where you want to live, doesn't have a good job and wants to be a SAHM, but wants to live in uber expensive CA? Has basically made it a joke that you want to live elsewhere and guilt trips you about wanting things that's outside of her "plan". You do realize she has a plan, right? You just happen to play the role of "husband". It doesn't sound like she's really interested in what you want.
If you marry this woman out of guilt, that will be you in the future. Feeling uber guilty, about to buy your XW a home because she can't take care of herself and well, you continue to enable her and allow her to live off of you.
I'm not saying you absolutely have to end it, but so far, you haven't said one thing that has shown me that this woman is actually ready for marriage.
This right here. There really isn't anything else to be said.
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It is also putting immense pressure on me to stay even if that is not what I want to do. This is one of the reasons I have been going back and forth last couple of months.
