Women, what's the best way a shy virgin guy could pursue you for a date? (dating, girlfriend)

[ygufty]

I've never dated, all because of a little thing that ruined my life called social anxiety. I'm too embarrassed to go into details about how severe it was, but now I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend and am STILL a virgin, for a guy to be that old it's bad, so it's now or never or not at all. All I've ever did was speed dating, twice, and it was not a good experience at all, none of the women were interested in me. I just want something to happen and am tired of making excuses to my friends when they invite me and my girlfriend. For some reason they assume I have a girlfriend. It seems everyone has a girlfriend or is married, except me. I don't know anything about how to charm women, or even have a conversation with one, I'm too nervous to say much of anything and they are bored with me. I read websites that say women are intrigued by shy guys, but I've never seen this, they seem to be most interested in guys that talk alot, or treat them like dirt. I don't get this. If someone could explain this, I'd be grateful.

But how do you show a woman that you really admire her, while you fear her?


Maybe some people are not meant to ever meet anyone, I guess that's okay as I have a job a car, family, friends, money, skills. But I believe in being nice to women, I am way more courteous to women than other guys, probably too much, maybe not enough. I don't know what I'm doing at all, maybe I should ask out more women since I haven't in years. I don't know, I REALLY don't know.


Any answers are appreciated, say anything. Thanks.

Keith

[ForLoveOnly]

Where do you meet these women you are not asking out?

[JJS99]

Originally Posted by ygufty

I've never dated, all because of a little thing that ruined my life called social anxiety. I'm too embarrassed to go into details about how severe it was, but now I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend and am STILL a virgin, for a guy to be that old it's bad, so it's now or never or not at all. All I've ever did was speed dating, twice, and it was not a good experience at all, none of the women were interested in me. I just want something to happen and am tired of making excuses to my friends when they invite me and my girlfriend. For some reason they assume I have a girlfriend. It seems everyone has a girlfriend or is married, except me. I don't know anything about how to charm women, or even have a conversation with one, I'm too nervous to say much of anything and they are bored with me. I read websites that say women are intrigued by shy guys, but I've never seen this, they seem to be most interested in guys that talk alot, or treat them like dirt. I don't get this. If someone could explain this, I'd be grateful.

But how do you show a woman that you really admire her, while you fear her?


Maybe some people are not meant to ever meet anyone, I guess that's okay as I have a job a car, family, friends, money, skills. But I believe in being nice to women, I am way more courteous to women than other guys, probably too much, maybe not enough. I don't know what I'm doing at all, maybe I should ask out more women since I haven't in years. I don't know, I REALLY don't know.


Any answers are appreciated, say anything. Thanks.

Keith

I'm sorry man. That's tough.

If it makes you feel any better, I suffered from a more mild social anxiety until my early 20s or so. But when it got better, I never fared any better with women. I'm very comfortable around most types of women these days and I still do very poorly and get rejected all the time.

So, what I tell guys in your situation is that really, getting over the fear of 'talking to them' is the easy part. I think it might help you to think about it that way. It's not the big leap that will take you from famine to feast that you think, so it might be less intimidating.

[ygufty]

Originally Posted by ForLoveOnly

Where do you meet these women you are not asking out?

Just your average places, at work, in stores, malls. There's not alot where I live, it's kind of falling apart and things are closing down. There's a dating club, but they're 40 miles away, and I don't think women would be interested in long distance relationships. There's alot of bars, but........

[ygufty]

Originally Posted by JJS99

I'm sorry man. That's tough.

If it makes you feel any better, I suffered from a more mild social anxiety until my early 20s or so. But when it got better, I never fared any better with women. I'm very comfortable around most types of women these days and I still do very poorly and get rejected all the time.

So, what I tell guys in your situation is that really, getting over the fear of 'talking to them' is the easy part. I think it might help you to think about it that way. It's not the big leap that will take you from famine to feast that you think, so it might be less intimidating.

Great information, thanks. I might have to elaborate on how severe my social anxiety is (and was).



Because of social anxiety, I:

-Didn't drive until 26 (feared people in other cars watching me at stoplights)
-Could not go into any public place alone until I was 20 (feared my parents leaving me)
-Still can't make friends
-Most times I didn't say a single word in school the entire day
-Failed alot of classes because I was afraid to do the final presentation
-Didn't have any friends in school
-Could not eat lunch in the cafeteria for years because of worrying (panic) about where to sit
-Didn't even find girls attractive when I was in school
-In school some of the kids were afraid of me because I didn't talk


There's alot more, but I think you get the idea. Since then I worked hard to get to where I am today, but that hasn't translated over to interactions with women.



I think women look for that confidence (opposite of social anxiety), that's what turns them on. they can spot fake confidence a mile away and it turns them off.

[belovenow]

Originally Posted by ygufty

I've never dated, all because of a little thing that ruined my life called social anxiety. ... now I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend and am STILL a virgin, ...

But how do you show a woman that you really admire her, while you fear her?


Maybe some people are not meant to ever meet anyone, I guess that's okay as I have a job a car, family, friends, money, skills. But I believe in being nice to women, I am way more courteous to women than other guys, probably too much, maybe not enough. I don't know what I'm doing at all, maybe I should ask out more women since I haven't in years. I don't know, I REALLY don't know.


Any answers are appreciated, say anything. Thanks.

Keith

Keith - take a class (yes there are classes) on how to pick up women (search the Internet - classes are available in nearly every city). If you're anything like others I've known with social anxiety, you probably are bright and a good student. Approach this issue the way you would have approached any other academic challenge and you will find much to your surprise that you just need some training and education on the subject. Some people learn these things in their teens, but for those who miss that opportunity, there are classes which will help. The anxiety will go away once you are trained and begin practicing approaching women and having success.

[Gingergrl]

You sound very sweet and it saddens me to hear this. Not that being a virgin is bad at all. You believe in being a gentleman and no one seems to give you the time of day. As a society we think it's okay to just sleep with someone right away but what happened to getting to know someone first.

The best thing always is to be yourself no matter what. The less anxious you will be the more you focus on the good qualities that you have and any woman would be lucky to meet you.

[JJ09990]

Originally Posted by ygufty

Great information, thanks. I might have to elaborate on how severe my social anxiety is (and was).



Because of social anxiety, I:

-Didn't drive until 26 (feared people in other cars watching me at stoplights)
-Could not go into any public place alone until I was 20 (feared my parents leaving me)
-Still can't make friends
-Most times I didn't say a single word in school the entire day
-Failed alot of classes because I was afraid to do the final presentation
-Didn't have any friends in school
-Could not eat lunch in the cafeteria for years because of worrying (panic) about where to sit
-Didn't even find girls attractive when I was in school
-In school some of the kids were afraid of me because I didn't talk


There's alot more, but I think you get the idea. Since then I worked hard to get to where I am today, but that hasn't translated over to interactions with women.



I think women look for that confidence (opposite of social anxiety), that's what turns them on. they can spot fake confidence a mile away and it turns them off.

Are you religious? (Or could you phone it in?) Shy, virgin guys do really well in church singles groups.

[Archer705]

Originally Posted by ygufty

Great information, thanks. I might have to elaborate on how severe my social anxiety is (and was).



Because of social anxiety, I:

-Didn't drive until 26 (feared people in other cars watching me at stoplights)
-Could not go into any public place alone until I was 20 (feared my parents leaving me)
-Still can't make friends
-Most times I didn't say a single word in school the entire day
-Failed alot of classes because I was afraid to do the final presentation
-Didn't have any friends in school
-Could not eat lunch in the cafeteria for years because of worrying (panic) about where to sit
-Didn't even find girls attractive when I was in school
-In school some of the kids were afraid of me because I didn't talk


There's alot more, but I think you get the idea. Since then I worked hard to get to where I am today, but that hasn't translated over to interactions with women.



I think women look for that confidence (opposite of social anxiety), that's what turns them on. they can spot fake confidence a mile away and it turns them off.

Damn. I like this thread a lot. You are the type of person in school people would assume would be likely to "blow it up". It's interesting to see the internal life of those individuals. Have you gone to a psychiatrist? He might prescribe you relaxants and depressants and give some words to boost your confidence. I'm almost a decade younger than you, so I'm not sure if I'd be any help. I do have 3 suggestions that may help you get used to being in large crowds and loosening up:
1. Go to a nightclub. Do lots of dancing and not be the wierd guy leaning on the wall the entire time.
2. Attend a protest. Whether you care about what they are protesting or it.
3. Buy new clothes/shoes/jewelry so you can get a boost of confidence and maybe start getting cocky.

[Londoncowboy30]

Sorry people but he's not been on CD for over a year so probably won't get your replies.

It's a shame as he seems a nice and decent bloke and I would have liked to have helped him myself