Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well, for the naysayers that don't know the ex's perspective, I'll give you the run down.
The ex and I met in 2004 and he attached to me - as in, he was emotionally unstable and relied on me for his own stability. The girl he was with before me was diagnosed as bipolar, had gotten pregnant (later to find out was not his, came out the wrong color) and had stabbed him in the arm while she was pregnant. He sent her to live with her family to finish the pregnancy and their relationship completely ended when he discovered there was no way the child was his. I met him about 6 mths after this had happened. He had many, MANY red flags as a narcissistic personality, but I was younger and had no idea that such a personality type existed. I just thought he was a complete a** sometimes and coped with it. On a more recent professional setting, my therapist and I have worked through that my ability to stick it out with him most likely stems from the dysfunctional, non-existent relationship with my biological mother. She failed a mental evaluation when my parents divorced, and it was speculated that she had several personality dysfunctions and needed medication, but she never sought treatment. She basically abandoned my sister and I when my father won custody in the 80's, and I have had very little contact with her since.
My therapist does not have any major concerns about my mental health beyond continuing to progress through what I have experienced with my divorce and custody matters. My ex displays severe narcissistic traits, not formally diagnosed, and those behaviors would have been "learned" traits from his own childhood and parental upbringing. I have analyzed what I know of his upbringing, and much of it fits into place. Along with addressing my emotional health, I have had my son observed by several professionals for court purposes, and all have signed off that he is showing healthy growth and development. I do not have any concerns for his mental well being while in my care, and I will also keep his needs a priority.
Dating is a FUTURE venture for me as I know I need to get the dust to settle before pursuing anything serious. I have had a handful of coffee dates in the past year, and that was more for social aspect than anything else.
Right now, my focus is on my son and providing for him as well as I can. And he is thriving. I know I am doing a really great job with him, I can just feel it.
**********************
My son was born March 2012. Suddenly, as a spouse, I was focusing 98% of my attention on a new born and was severely sleep deprived. My ex could not handle the lack of attention. Prior to this, our relationship was really good from my perspective. We were best friends and on the same page for most everything, communicated, had date nights, the who nine yards. No one, including me, saw happening what happened. Anyone familiar with a narcissistic type can see how it happened, though. We had hit a few rough patches in our marriage history where I almost left, but we made amends and moved on.
The ripples in our relationship were my family members - my ex couldn't stand them, so he was constantly down talking them for petty reasons. He also bragged a lot about himself, his own accomplishments, etc, and he was always better than everyone else. He didn't have many friends because most people couldn't stand him. I had many years to learn how to cope with him.
About July of 2012, my ex 'checked out' of the relationship. He started picking fights with me. He stopped helping with the baby and household. He was less engaged in home life. He was more a prick than usual.
In Aug 2012, he "got involved" with an acquaintance we knew. She was the significant other of a coworker of his. The 4 of us were supposed to go out to a concert one night, but my sitter bailed. I couldn't go, her boyfriend couldn't go. My ex took her and ended up staying out all night with her. I called him numerous times throughout the night with no luck. When he returned the next morning, he had wild stories of how she was severely abused and beaten, and how "we" needed to help her.
I told him I needed his help at home, we didn't have the time to get involved as we had a lot of projects on our plate with a house that needed major repairs and a baby, and would could assist by helping her find resources.
Without my knowledge, he continued talking to her any time he was not around me. I'd go to bed, he'd get back up and talk to her on the phone all night. When I woke up to feed baby, he'd drop the phone and pretend to be doing computer work because he "couldn't sleep." He talked to her throughout the daytime hours from his work phone.
In Sept, she filed false abuse allegations on her boyfriend. He was put in jail and lost his job over it. I have heard her testimony from the case -- she testified he "abused" her because: he expected her to make dinner on days he worked; he texted her too much when she was out with friends; he 'occasionally' smacked her in the head when she had a headache, but has no proof or witnesses. She did ask the court to NOT press criminal charges against him, only order a no contact order between her and him. She also testified to being diagnosed as BPI, OCD, anxiety and PTSD issues as a teenager.
When she filed these charges, my ex offered to let her move into our home without my permission. When he told me, I told him absolutely not. He threatened to leave me because I was "being a bit**" and how dare I let her stay in such a dangerous situation. I was still a new mom with no sleep and trying to appease my husband, and I felt powerless. I soon found out she was highly suicidal and used suicide threats to control people, was a drug abuser, extremely promiscuous, was a cutter and had severe manic episodes that were out of control.
Once she moved in to my house, he started staying up with her all night and treating me like the enemy. I confronted them several times and they both assured me they would respect me. He started drinking heavily as well. Within a week and half, she OD'd on prescription drugs and alcohol. He went to bed with her that night to "ensure she didn't die." I woke up the next morning and found them in bed. A day later, he coworker told her former boyfriend that she was sleeping with "the new guy she's living with" and had to leave work early on at least one occasion for taking the morning after pill.
I gave him the option to cut all ties with her or he could move out with her. He moved out with her. I had his parents and my sister travel to NC for an intervention so that we could save the marriage, and it failed.
I moved back to my homestate of MI since we lived in NC and I had absolutely no family or support network in NC. A week later, he lost his job over all of this because the details of his affair with a coworker's girl deemed to be more drama than they would put up with, so they had a general bogus excuse to can him. He has no reason to stay in NC except for his mistress. The following 9 mths, my ex had excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't travel north to be with his son; his mistress had a cancer scare and "needed him" or he "couldn't afford" to come north because he was spending $500/mth in legal expenses to battle me in court.
Since splitting in Oct 2012, my ex has not paid any child support and gridlocked my support case by committing fraud in court, has railroaded me financially because ALL of our marital debts were solely financed under my name, has railroaded me with $25,000 of legal warfare, has seen his son only 3 times despite having a court order giving him more time, has accused me of every unethical thing he can think of including "speculation" that I am living with pedophiles by choice to purposely endanger my son (I live alone with my son and there are no present dangers), has made every communication effort I have made to give him updates on our son as an opportunity to attack me as person, my character or my family, has threatened to anonymously call CPS on me with false accusations, has stated his "goal" for me to put me in a position where I have to file bankruptcy, and has just generally been a very mean person to me.
Just about everything I have just stated has some sort of documentation to prove it including his own testimony under oath.
I am not saying our marriage was perfect by any stretch, but I am saying that the circumstances I experienced were beyond what is "normal."
*****************************
Yes - I am jaded. I understand that, and that is WHY I am taking the time to better myself before getting serious with another person. A true sign of a mentally healthy person is someone that recognizes they need to take the proper steps to address their mental health when it is needed, and I am doing just that.
Try to "let go" of this, as damaged as you feel by this man's actions. By "let go", i really mean to develop yourself emotionally, so you can change "your story", not only about the divorce and this man, but also in other areas of your life where you may feel "wronged" by forces not under your control.
I got this advice from a therapist, from people in self-help groups and my second wife. It applied to both my emotional reaction to the divorce, but also to my life growing up in what i somehow believed to be a dysfunctional family (alcoholic parents). In reality, i had invented "my story" about many aspects of my life to get some sort of "payback" due to my emotional insecurity. But as i looked back over the documentation - old family pictures from my childhood through my first marriage (many years) and letters i had saved from my mother...and such - it slowly dawned on me that there was another, more factual, story about my life that was quite positive and that my emotional "afflictions" had also sharpened my sensitivity to both pain and joy, an advantage that some people don't enjoy.
My new story is a work in progress in my brain and my heart, but it definitely has helped me to lead a more rewarding life, certainly in terms of my actions, and more slowly in terms of my deepest feelings about myself.
I think you need to heal from your break-up before you make decisions that have virtually irreversible consequences and could lead to enormous regrets.
Besides, it's the divorce, and not child issues, that is devastating you.
Your child deserves an emotionally healthy mother, free from anger and who can take her life in her own hands and get on with it.
Divorces are not easy, but they are survivable and the choices that lead to emotional health are all in your hands.
Good luck.
Agree with this OP--you're not in a good emotional place to date or make decisions that have permanent consequences right now. Just sit on it for awhile and then make a decision.
I don't understand why people try to discourage women from getting a tubal.
The OP is in her thirties, she has a child she adores. She has found herself is this very difficult situation, both emotionally and financially, and is working on raising above it but never wants to be in this situation again.
What are the chances she will find Mr. right, get married and desperately want to have another child (while still young enough) knowing they will all live happily ever after?
There is nothing wrong or unfulfilling in having only one child. Getting my tubal was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Try to "let go" of this, as damaged as you feel by this man's actions. By "let go", i really mean to develop yourself emotionally, so you can change "your story", not only about the divorce and this man, but also in other areas of your life where you may feel "wronged" by forces not under your control.
I got this advice from a therapist, from people in self-help groups and my second wife. It applied to both my emotional reaction to the divorce, but also to my life growing up in what i somehow believed to be a dysfunctional family (alcoholic parents). In reality, i had invented "my story" about many aspects of my life to get some sort of "payback" due to my emotional insecurity. But as i looked back over the documentation - old family pictures from my childhood through my first marriage (many years) and letters i had saved from my mother...and such - it slowly dawned on me that there was another, more factual, story about my life that was quite positive and that my emotional "afflictions" had also sharpened my sensitivity to both pain and joy, an advantage that some people don't enjoy.
My new story is a work in progress in my brain and my heart, but it definitely has helped me to lead a more rewarding life, certainly in terms of my actions, and more slowly in terms of my deepest feelings about myself.
This is an interesting take and I will work on focusing within this concept. My divorce is final (at this time, but the judgment was fraudulent on his side, so we still have court proceedings scheduled over it) but custody / support proceedings are not (actions continue to get dismissed by him finding loopholes since it is an interstate case - this is his method of avoiding child support), so I am still within the firestorm. I suspect once things are completely final, I will have an easier time removing myself from the situation mentally and emotionally so I can create distance from the state I am in right now compared to where I want to be.
I honestly don't feel "wronged" by other things in my life or past. I have accepted things are what they are and I have had very little control over decisions I was never a part of making. I have not had very much drama in my adult life. I have had a fulfilling professional career, have great friends and family support, have great hobbies and overall enjoy life. I never gave much thought to what happened with my biological mother because it was not a subject that I had any control over. It just seems ironic that I allowed myself to accept a partner, 8 years into the relationship, that would make many similar decisions as she did with my father. I am addressing that within myself so that I don't repeat history. My previous relationships before my ex were all good with good men, they just weren't the right partner for me or vice versa, so the relationships ended.
In your shoes, I would go for a 5 year IUD, then when that time is up, reconsider your options. Having surgery is invasive and expensive. Maybe you'll meet a great guy who is a good step dad who has or is willing to get a vasectomy.
There are plenty of women in the world who don't want any more kids but don't take the drastic step of having surgery. A vasectomy is an outpatient procedure, as is an IUD!
I am not saying our marriage was perfect by any stretch, but I am saying that the circumstances I experienced were beyond what is "normal."
*****************************
Yes - I am jaded. I understand that, and that is WHY I am taking the time to better myself before getting serious with another person. A true sign of a mentally healthy person is someone that recognizes they need to take the proper steps to address their mental health when it is needed, and I am doing just that.
Hopefully the experience you went through will result in you being able to identify someone that is 'normal', or at least normal and tolerable to you.
Hopefully the experience you went through will result in you being able to identify someone that is 'normal', or at least normal and tolerable to you.
For me, at the first sign of 'Crazy' I bolt!
You have to understand that no everyone picks up on what would be classified as crazy simply as a naive young person. I know more now than I did when I met my ex in my early 20's. In many ways, it can be argued that I stabilized him in the relationship; he was an emotional wreck that couldn't hold down a job and had a terrible relationship with his family. After our time together, he could hold down a job long term, was more tolerable to be around and did have a great relationship with his family. I brought normal to his table. At the first sign of crazy bus coming to town in what came of the demise of our marriage, I did get out. I didn't waste any time, and I have successfully protected our son from his flavor of crazy since then.
The games he played with me the week before we split were truly sociopath and psychotic. His mistress would tell him "your wife doesn't like me, I'm going to commit suicide." He then came to me yelling "You're going to make her kill herself! If she dies, it is your fault."
I have no tolerance for this kind of manipulation, and I recognized it for what it was.
Every single one of us has our own character, but I now see the characteristics my ex had that were truly unhealthy and toxic, and I am learning from that mistake.
You have to understand that no everyone picks up on what would be classified as crazy simply as a naive young person. I know more now than I did when I met my ex in my early 20's. In many ways, it can be argued that I stabilized him in the relationship; he was an emotional wreck that couldn't hold down a job and had a terrible relationship with his family. After our time together, he could hold down a job long term, was more tolerable to be around and did have a great relationship with his family. I brought normal to his table. At the first sign of crazy bus coming to town in what came of the demise of our marriage, I did get out. I didn't waste any time, and I have successfully protected our son from his flavor of crazy since then.
The games he played with me the week before we split were truly sociopath and psychotic. His mistress would tell him "your wife doesn't like me, I'm going to commit suicide." He then came to me yelling "You're going to make her kill herself! If she dies, it is your fault."
I have no tolerance for this kind of manipulation, and I recognized it for what it was.
Every single one of us has our own character, but I now see the characteristics my ex had that were truly unhealthy and toxic, and I am learning from that mistake.
That mistress sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. Period. If she died, it is her own action or illness, nobody is responsible for her action. Your husband is an idiot. They deserve each other, both sound like manipulative drama queens. A borderline and a Narcissist what a classic combo.
You are right, we all have our own character and flaws. One of the best way to deal with drama, trauma, is acceptance. Forgive yourself, and be kind and gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with caring people.
In term of your question, "Would this decision affect your future dating prospects?" Well, for some men out there who want their own biological children, of course you will be out of the picture. You can't please everybody. That is a good thing. But there are a lot of good men out there who don't mind your situation. Dating is tough for everybody, I don't care what they say. But I believe that everybody has equal chance of being happy, just make sure you don't sabotage a potentially good relationship. That is all we can do
best of luck to you and take care.
L
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 03-01-2014 at 09:41 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
