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Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,070,027 times
Reputation: 2158
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Enil
He doesn't know what lonely is until he's married, stuck with paying bills, taking care of the kids, or being cheated on by the woman he married - many older men I've met.
He needs to find himself a hobby. The men who are busying themselves with self-improvement don't have the time to feel ''lonely.'' What the heck is lonely anyway?
I do agree with that but ultimately I'll never be as happy as I could be if there had been a romantic relationship in my life, and whenever I think of its absence, I feel sad.
My approach all my life has been never to pursue women (for reasons I will get to), always let them pursue and choose me. I have only tested the opposite approach maybe 3-4 different occasions and it never works for me. Mainly, in my opinion, there are inherent pitfalls to being a man and pursuing a woman:
1. If you pursue a woman who is not attracted to you, you can quickly get labelled a "pest", "creep" or "stalker." Much easier to let her select you. Women know what it feels like to be stalked so I doubt one would over do it with me if I thought we were incompatible.
2. Related to #1, a woman can consider a man who shows interest in her as a threat. Sometimes even a strange man with her in an elevator doing nothing could feel threatening to a woman depending on the time of day and circumstances and the woman's past experiences. Way too many variables and possibilities for failure or even major disaster and misunderstanding.
3. This is a personal reason. I believe in being humble and, for me, regarding myself as someone worthy of someone else's romantic attention just seems a bit much on me. It's not low self-esteem. It's just I can't have that kind of high opinion of myself. It feels weird to me and on me.. Like I can't presume someone would want to waste their time on me. Like I would think I was too big a deal if I thought someone would. Like I would have too big an ego if I did...etc..
The downside is I have long dry spells where I'm just alone but it keeps me from falling into the pitfalls of 1,2and 3. I never have those problems. Plus I've never been really obsessed with the activity of having a "relationship." The whole thing seems just silly to me and more a forced behavior pattern than natural and genuine occurrence in our modern age.
I forgot a fourth reason. 4. I can deal with an incompatibility in an adult manner in a way that preserves the woman's and my dignity whereas, being the pursuer leaves you at the mercy of whatever in-maturities the person of your attractions may use to rebuff their pursuers.
Last edited by Shankapotomus; 03-17-2014 at 01:57 PM..
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,070,027 times
Reputation: 2158
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
If you're not happy being single, go date.
Dating doesn't mean you'll find someone...and personally I feel uncomfortable with the concept of dating. Why am I spending time with someone for romantic purposes if I don't already have romantic feelings? And all it will do for me is bring someone into my life so she can tell me she's not interested.
I think you forget that the guys you're talking to have had many bad experiences. In my case I have not had a single good experience with someone hearing that I have feelings. I have had neutral experiences, but no good ones, and mostly bad ones.
It doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the idea of pursuing relationships via dating.
Quote:
These are all CHOICES. No reason to decide not to date, be unhappy with the decision, then whine about it on a forum. It makes no sense whatsoever.
Well, you're talking about your love life...this is ours.
Dating doesn't mean you'll find someone...and personally I feel uncomfortable with the concept of dating. Why am I spending time with someone for romantic purposes if I don't already have romantic feelings? And all it will do for me is bring someone into my life so she can tell me she's not interested.
I think you forget that the guys you're talking to have had many bad experiences. In my case I have not had a single good experience with someone hearing that I have feelings. I have had neutral experiences, but no good ones, and mostly bad ones.
It doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the idea of pursuing relationships via dating.
Well, you're talking about your love life...this is ours.
He doesn't understand. Most people who are successful with dating don't understand.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,070,027 times
Reputation: 2158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shankapotomus
I forgot a fourth reason. 4. I can deal with an incompatibility in an adult manner in a way that preserves the woman's and my dignity whereas, being the pursuer leaves you at the mercy of whatever in-maturities the person of your attractions may use to rebuff their pursuers.
Yep, this is my strategy as well, such as it is. Be people's friend and hope there will be interest. Someday it might work out for me. That it worked for you means it is possible for it to work. It hasn't worked so far but the alternative makes me uncomfortable.
My approach all my life has been never to pursue women (for reasons I will get to), always let them pursue and choose me. I have only tested the opposite approach maybe 3-4 different occasions and it never works for me. Mainly, in my opinion, there are inherent pitfalls to being a man and pursuing a woman:
1. If you pursue a woman who is not attracted to you, you can quickly get labelled a "pest", "creep" or "stalker." Much easier to let her select you. Women know what it feels like to be stalked so I doubt one would over do it with me if I thought we were incompatible.
2. Related to #1, a woman can consider a man who shows interest in her as a threat. Sometimes even a strange man with her in an elevator doing nothing could feel threatening to a woman depending on the time of day and circumstances and the woman's past experiences. Way too many variables and possibilities for failure or even major disaster and misunderstanding.
3. This is a personal reason. I believe in being humble and, for me, regarding myself as someone worthy of someone else's romantic attention just seems a bit much on me. It's not low self-esteem. It's just I can't have that kind of high opinion of myself. It feels weird to me and on me.. Like I can't presume someone would want to waste their time on me. Like I would think I was too big a deal if I thought someone would. Like I would have too big an ego if I did...etc..
The downside is I have long dry spells where I'm just alone but it keeps me from falling into the pitfalls of 1,2and 3. I never have those problems.
I forgot a fourth reason. 4. I can deal with an incompatibility in an adult manner in a way that preserves the woman's and my dignity whereas, being the pursuer leaves you at the mercy of whatever in-maturities the person of your attractions may use to rebuff their pursuers.
We must be the same person. This is how I am. Sometimes it's good to be cautious.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
I feel uncomfortable with the concept of dating. Why am I spending time with someone for romantic purposes if I don't already have romantic feelings?
Because it is fun! Wow, what do you think dating is? It is going out and spending time with someone. It's just like making a friend, you go to movies, see bands, hiking, talking, laughing, eating... so if you don't develop feelings for them so what? Then you stop hanging out with that person and move on. This isn't rocket science, dating is just getting to know someone. Simple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
Well, you're talking about your love life...this is ours.
No love life isn't a love life. It's the lack of one. And no, I don't start threads to talk about my love life.
Everyone who has dated has had bad experiences. I've had more than I can count. Some were positively horrific. It's not much different from a job search. You get rejected, A LOT. So what? What is the solution? Quit looking? Yeah, good luck with that.
Whining about reasons why you can't do something, or decided not to do something isn't constructive to you or to anyone else. Own your decisions and quit whining about them. If you don't like your choices or the results of those choices, change them and do something else. It is really freaking simple.
That is EXACTLY the problem dude. I use to be in the same situation as you are in now.
You are going to have to put yourself out there eventually.
It will be scary and it will definitely be awkward....but you will be thankful down the road.
Let me know if you are interested and I will inbox you some information from one of my mentors that helped me get things together. He has a radio show that just started. First show is tonight at 10 pm.
I don't feel bad at all for this guy, he's just a judgmental kid. He's kind of doing women a favor by not dating.
Yep, this is my strategy as well, such as it is. Be people's friend and hope there will be interest. Someday it might work out for me. That it worked for you means it is possible for it to work. It hasn't worked so far but the alternative makes me uncomfortable.
Luckily I have a few friends from high school that aren't uncomfortable around me. Clearly there is something about me that is likable.
The kind of woman most men end up married to. Back in college I'd see the nicest of girls cheat on their boyfriends and then go back to their boyfriends like nothing happened. Meh, the United States doesn't trust the Middle-east with Nuclear bombs, I don't see why any man would trust women to not screw over a man's lives, when women have so many options and opportunities to cheat/find a better boyfriend.
That is why you choose who you date carefully. Just because a woman is attractive doesn't mean she is girlfriend or wife material.
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