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If you thought very poorly of your significant others parents because they were cheats and liars and his/her parents had an active relationship with them then how big of a red flag would it be for you to reconsider marriage to your SO? Assume that all parties live fairly close to each other and meet one another frequently.
A lot of people say that it's difficult to separate in-laws influencing your marriage which is why it's quite important that you have a good relationship with them as well and think they are not going to hurt your marriage.
I have the in-laws from hell. I seriously doubt anyone on these boards (or perhaps in the world) have as toxic and miserable in-laws as I have. When I married my husband 22 years ago, they cut him off completely because I was not the ethnicity THEY desired. They were/are quite wealthy and they completely disinherited their own son because he married against their wishes.
Thus my husband has spoken to his mother and father about 4 times in the past 2 decades. They never write, call or have any contact. Their loss.
In fact, when my father-in-law died in 2012, my husband's mother or his brothers never even bothered to inform him, we discovered it by chance on the Internet. I doubt anyone can top that.
Finally, my husband was a model son: an Eagle Scout, non-smoker, non-drinker, a Ph.D and about as decent as they come.
If you have potential in-laws you are a-holes like this, you need to excise them from your life. If you're future spouse isn't willing to do it, move on.
It all depends on your spouse. If he/she stands up for you, then he/she is a keeper. If he/she "doesn't want to get in between," of will not stand up for you, then that's a problem.
It all depends on your spouse. If he/she stands up for you, then he/she is a keeper. If he/she "doesn't want to get in between," of will not stand up for you, then that's a problem.
If you thought very poorly of your significant others parents because they were cheats and liars and his/her parents had an active relationship with them then how big of a red flag would it be for you to reconsider marriage to your SO? Assume that all parties live fairly close to each other and meet one another frequently.
A lot of people say that it's difficult to separate in-laws influencing your marriage which is why it's quite important that you have a good relationship with them as well and think they are not going to hurt your marriage.
How big of a red flag? HUGE. Enormous.
For me, it wasn't something I really actively thought about, until I was in a long-term relationship that taught me just how important this dynamic is to pay attention to.
And my former SO's family wasn't living nearby and didn't have continued face-to-face contact with us, and it was still absolutely horrific, because their influence was so great that it didn't even require proximity for them to hold extremely negative sway over my ex. Had they lived closer by (as opposed to 1,000+ miles away), our relationship would have ended even sooner, I have no doubt. Even far away, even with my ex initially doing some very conscious boundary-setting, the influence was just too much. Cheats and liars doesn't even begin to cover it, that was just the tip of the iceberg. I rarely had to spend time around them, but what little I did end up spending was far too much. Nightmare holidays, some of the most uncomfortable, awful moments of my life.
I come from a very close knit, very loving, very supportive, very functional family...essentially the opposite in every way of my ex's. I thought that our access to that good family, which fully embraced him, would be enough, but it wasn't...my ex constantly craved a closeness with his very dysfunctional, very manipulative family, and it eroded essentially everything in every area of our life together.
After we broke up, and I started dating again, I was very, very VERY wary of getting into a situation even a little bit similar, and paid very close attention to the family dynamics and the character of the families of the men I dated, more attention than I'd ever paid before. When I met my now-husband, I was so delighted when I was introduced to his wonderful, kind, warm, fun family. And when my family met his, it was like they'd all been fast friends for life. As opposed to my ex's family, where I spent our five-year relationship dreading the moment when my family would have to meet his dad, brothers, and grandparents (his mom and stepdad were lovely, and I DID allow them to meet my family, but he had little to do with them...all the focus was on the psycho family). I remember when we broke up (the circumstances of which were strongly influenced by his father), once I got past the shock of basically being kicked out in short order, my first strong emotion was actually one of utter relief that I would never, ever have to subject anyone in my family to his awful father.
I guarantee there are men out there who come from horrid families and somehow managed to emerge relatively unscathed...but as for me, I would still probably steer clear, just from a self-preservation standpoint. I've been there, and wouldn't willingly risk another awful situation like that again. Having a good family/good upbringing/great support network that's not awful and abusive and manipulative is just one of those areas of compatibility I wouldn't ever bend on, ever again. My ex would never have ever extricated himself from his family. He made a stab at it, it didn't "take" (they were quite wealthy, and my ex was very susceptible to being manipulated by all that goes with that, having been raised with excesses). There are men who would walk away from a family like this, I'm sure. But for me, I learned that it's important to be with someone who comes from a close, good family like mine. Just a personal thing.
Once, ever, did my ex stand up to his father on my behalf, in five years. He had done something very offensive to me and my ex took a stand over it. Then his dad took him on a trip (I was not invited), and within a week of that, we were over.
I think what it all really boils down to is if your significant other can see the fault in their family, or defends them. My girlfriends family has gotten better but we had some major issues at one point. To the extent it was about 70% of the reason we took a break for about 4 months.
Now, my gf can see their faults and is more mature and reaponsible and can see how some decisions they made were wrong. Prior, it was all she really knew so it took her a while to understand that.
We now live 12 hours away from them (we were in the same town) and I still plan trips back to see them with her, and have paid for her to fly back since she moved for me.
I know they are important to her and I respect that. She just needed a little eye opening to see how some decisions they made and ways they lived weren't ideal.
Any girl ive ever dated, when I really want them to fall in love I introduce them to my family. They are any SO's wet dream for a family lol. My girlfriend came home to meet them over christmas and was amazed how welcomed and loved she felt.
Yep, my family has always been the rock star family everyone loves. My husband's family is the same way, so it works out well.
At this point, I couldn't imagine anything else. I had the "awful 'in-laws'"experience already, and it thankfully feels like another lifetime, long ago.
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