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I don't people understand what this thread is about. They keep preaching to the choir.
What have you personally overlooked in someone or realized you didn't care about when it comes to dating/attraction?
If you've never had preferences or never been surprised by your own tastes, then there's not much to say. You technucally never settled then. Going by other threads, I find that hard to believe for most.
But that's my point!
I didn't have to "overlook" anything in my husband because none of that girlhood "dream date" crap mattered to me at all once I knew him
I didn't have to "overlook" anything in my husband because none of that girlhood "dream date" crap mattered to me at all once I knew him
THAT is the point. What were your girlish ideals then?
Someone mentioned they ended up with a very hairy man. Few people imagine that although it may not be spelled out in their conciousness.
Consider your ideal partner. Perhaps he is over 6 foot. Perhaps she has an F cup. Maybe he is extremely witty. She loves video games. Etc.
Now consider who you've actually dated and found attractive in real life.
What qualities did not align with your ideals or what you consider your "preferences"?
Did it FEEL like settling, or did it come to not matter since you were attracted to the person & actually dating?
Did it surprise you to be attracted to someone "not your type" in some way?
Spoiler
I'll post mine in a later post
I haven't compromised so much as my tastes and ideals have changed over the years, and some things that I'd assumed were dealbreakers ended up not being when I met somebody I really liked. I never had really overwhelming preferences on things like appearance, and most of the people I dated were all over the place in terms of physical appearance. Having no one real physical "type" made that end of things kind of a nonissue.
I guess my most vivid example would be that I really honestly never considered, in my youth, having a serious relationship with someone serving in the armed forces. In my youth and young adulthood, I had a lot of exposure to a certain type of guy who goes into the military (in my small town, rural area, it had a lot to do with being quite conservative, and not being interested in going to college after HS), and those guys were not my type. I also was fairly sure I wasn't cut out to be the woman who puts her career on hold to be a military spouse and travel from base to base, live a lifestyle that is subject to change based on the particular needs of the government at a particular time, etc. I always thought that I could never be the person who sees a spouse off to a combat situation and not lose my mind. So I always thought, "Military = not for me."
Now I'm a Navy wife.
When I met my husband, I was a little older, and my views on the military a touch more sophisticated than the oversimplification stuck in my head based on the examples of guys I went to HS with. I learned, through my spouse, that, yeah, servicemen CAN actually like a bleeding heart liberal woman (and that servicemen can also BE bleeding heart liberals, themselves). I learned that some people enlist after they get their college degree (my spouse and I have the same college degree and are pretty compatible in terms of our love of higher education - he was a teacher, like me, before he enlisted). I learned that, having worked in my field for a number of years, I was READY for a change, and the idea of moving around from base to base, supporting my spouse's career, and finding new opportunities for myself, WASN'T actually unappealing, and didn't make me feel like I was giving something up. I still think that if my spouse, (who has served in Iraq, but has not been deployed since we've been together) is deployed, I will initially lose my mind, but I also know that there is a big spouse support network and that a million women have been through the same thing, so while it's not something I relish, it's something I know I'd get through.
THAT is the point. What were your girlish ideals then?
Someone mentioned they ended up with a very hairy man. Few people imagine that although it may not be spelled out in their conciousness.
I don't people understand what this thread is about. They keep preaching to the choir.
What have you personally overlooked in someone or realized you didn't care about when it comes to dating/attraction?
If you've never had preferences or never been surprised by your own tastes, then there's not much to say. You technucally never settled then. Going by other threads, I find that hard to believe for most.
Actually, I think our points are rather valid. We're taking issue with the entire mindset as counterproductive and pointless.
The minute one says, "I'm overlooking this," one is not actually looking at the totality of a person, but rather obsessing over one minor thing. It's nitpicking, not being magnanimous. It's not really overlooking because the notion is still in your head.
We had a neighbor like that. She was kind of the total package. Uber-hot, funny, intelligent, professional, and all that other stuff. But she had a list of requirements as long as her arm. No divorced guys. Must be six foot tall or better. Must be a professional. Must love dogs. Must be Protestant. I'm not making this stuff up.
Funny thing happened. She was a hot commodity when she was 25. She was always giving guys the stiff arm because of her criteria was so precise. Good guys. No, great guys. But there was always some stupid, trivial thing about the guy that was outside her archetype.
Fast forward to today. She's in her early 40s and can't find anyone of quality. She has been reduced to dating this dull, fratboy kind of oaf who can't even say anything interesting at a dinner party. In other words, it's okay to be selective. It's another thing entirely to cling to some Disneyfied image of what one's partner in life should be. For that is fantasy, and we know all too well what happens when one's fantasies get in the way of living a real life.
I am attracted to muscular, fit, tall and dark guys with a good job. I am super active and come from a family who is always out doing anything sporty like hiking, surfing, tennis, gym, running, .....
However, I always end up with a chunky guy, sometimes even shorter than me, who doesn't want to do anything sporty with me. And I always end up earning more or at least having more fincanical freedom because I know how to make the best out of a paycheck.
Always being broke and not being physically active then causes too many problems over time (plus all the other minor flaws) that I have now decided that I rather stay single until a guy who fits my criteria comes along.
I am negotiable on the muscular and tallness, since it is just superficial but I won't settle for a chubby lazy guy anymore.
Settling in your main criteria will not work in the long run. I learned that from my failed marriage. I know now very well what I can settle on and what is a deal breaker.
I let the fact that she shopped at Walmart slide, but never again
Smart to flush her.
You know, I did dump someone because she didn't like Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
I was 19 and some buddies and I were going to the midnight showing. So this one girl kept saying, "Oh, I love that movie!" I shrugged and said, "Well, okay, come along." So we all go out to eat before hand and then head over to to the cineplex.
About fifteen minutes into it, she leans over and whispers. "I don't know why you are all laughing. This isn't funny at all." So we left and I took her home. Got back in time for the Knights of Nih!
Actually, I think our points are rather valid. We're taking issue with the entire mindset as counterproductive and pointless.
The minute one says, "I'm overlooking this," one is not actually looking at the totality of a person, but rather obsessing over one minor thing. It's nitpicking, not being magnanimous. It's not really overlooking because the notion is still in your head.
We had a neighbor like that. She was kind of the total package. Uber-hot, funny, intelligent, professional, and all that other stuff. But she had a list of requirements as long as her arm. No divorced guys. Must be six foot tall or better. Must be a professional. Must love dogs. Must be Protestant. I'm not making this stuff up.
Funny thing happened. She was a hot commodity when she was 25. She was always giving guys the stiff arm because of her criteria was so precise. Good guys. No, great guys. But there was always some stupid, trivial thing about the guy that was outside her archetype.
Fast forward to today. She's in her early 40s and can't find anyone of quality. She has been reduced to dating this dull, fratboy kind of oaf who can't even say anything interesting at a dinner party. In other words, it's okay to be selective. It's another thing entirely to cling to some Disneyfied image of what one's partner in life should be. For that is fantasy, and we know all too well what happens when one's fantasies get in the way of living a real life.
Preaching to the choir. Missed the point again.
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