Had a not so pleasant debate with a swinger/open sex marriage person (wife, women)
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So I know this guitar player. Had a conversation with him recently where the fact that he and his wife swing and it kind of got ugly at moments when we shot back at each other view points that don't agree.
It started and progressed because we were talking about the fact that I am single and have nobody I am seeing at the moment. I mentioned that the last couple times I have been out at the bars watching bands, one time his, the women that flirted and came on to me turned out they had husbands at home. I was just drinking at the bar next to them and talking and they got all flirty with me. I wasn't looking for anything with them.
He said , "well they know what their doing why didn't you go for it"? I said I don't respect people who have made a vow and are married who cheat or have sex even if it is open sex outside the marriage like even swingers. I knew he and his wife are, so I knew that was opening a can of worms with my comment.
And it did, because his over tone got nasty, and he said " you are in for a big surprise when you finally discover the real world out there and how the world is gonna dump on you if you don't grow up and how he hates attitudes like mine that demand everybody be the one and only to each other", "What century do you think this is?" he said.
I told him do what you want but don't tell me it is some enlightened attitude, to separate sex from marriage, to think that having their commitment in just emotion but leaving open sex as some separate thing is enlightened because that is a cop out for the fact that you can't commit or stand up to a promise all the way.
He didn't like what I said, and it may be judgmental but that is what I think. And frankly those married women that flirted with me that openly suggested leaving together I see with a bit of disgust.
I don't care what people do if single, I am no poster boy for morality myself, but if people want to mess around get single or stay single.
But all this has been messing with my mind recently, depressing me a bit. What happened to me at the bar, that guys viewpoint , and how so many people get divorced now and how they f... around. I know several people after years of marriage, it falling apart or where one of them cheats. It is more normal than not now.
It is all I see out there. And it scares the crap out of me and enforces my fear of even trying to find a long term commitment anymore. I am NOT gonna be the guy who's wife is trying to get some strange while I am at home. And I am not going to the guy who lets his woman get open sex from others in order to save their marriage. I am not going to be the guy who after 20 years of marriage has his wife leave him to reunite with a long lost from facebook.
I cannot understand how a guy would be alright with his woman doing other guys, even if it is supposedly that he has her heart and those other guys are just sport.
Yeah I am judgmental that way, I think those guys are loosers....
He said the world will take a dump on me if I don't grow up, I think it already has.......
different strokes, man...I wouldn't worry, unless you find a wife who is into that most people prefer to be monogamous. if you suck as a husband she might cheat but really this kind of stupid stuff should not stop you...just marry the right person, don't even contemplate it unless you are sure she is the right girl. also, your friend is an idiot.
There are couples who interpret marriage as a fluid relationship. Primarily as friends, lovers, and family unit. That is not threatened by "unimportant" sexual relationships. That is how some, "modern" egalitarian marriages are comprised. I don't see this as an issue if both parties agree. It can work...but it is not for everyone.
So....understand his point of view....and your own. They are just different perspectives on the continuum of interpreting relationships and marriage. Neither one is "wrong" or "bad ". I have friends who have had an "open" marriage for years..they have a great relationship. But....it is not for everyone.
I'm kind of confused as to why you would purposely offend this guy but I guess you wanted to - since you did. Other people being involved in open marriages doesn't really have to have any affect on your life whatsoever. There are plenty of people that are involved in monogamous marriages - and if that is what you want, then that is what you will have. Unfortunately, marriages don't come with a "no cheating" guarantee but most things in life don't come with guarantees.
I've been married for 7 years. We are monogamous. We don't cheat. We are an until death do us part couple. But if other people want to swing - that's their business and who am I to say how they should live their lives. If it makes them happy and works for them - that's all that really matters.
I don't care what people do if single, I am no poster boy for morality myself, but if people want to mess around get single or stay single.
This says it all. Otherwise, marriage is a farce. People from "Nip/Tuck," who swing/bed someone different every night, including the doctors, think they are the creme of the creme, when they are the scum of the effin' earth. I've seen a couple of episodes, and if there's anything that condenses what is wrong with this world in one show, it's that series.
Obviously, people have different morals...and sometimes asking people to see one way versus another feels like asking too much. It's good that you know where you stand and what you feel is right, but trying to express your morals on others will sadly get you nowhere and often results in others getting overly defensive. Your friend sounds really immature by taking the 'everyone else is doing it, so it must be OK' attitude that a teenager has. I also agreed that marriage should be between two people and that casual relationships/intimacy with others is not ok. And like 1208 said, 'your friend IS an idiot'
I am happy in a non-monogamous marriage. No, it's not for everyone. Yes, it does work for some. My husband and I simply value honesty over monogamy.
Would you be judgmental about a couple who attended a wedding, and each danced with people other than their spouse? At one time, dancing with someone other than your spouse would have been a horrific scandal. Different times, different customs.
I don't judge others' relationships. I simply ask for the same courtesy.
This says it all. Otherwise, marriage is a farce. People from "Nip/Tuck," who swing/bed someone different every night, including the doctors, think they are the creme of the creme, when they are the scum of the effin' earth. I've seen a couple of episodes, and if there's anything that condenses what is wrong with this world in one show, it's that series.
Hahahah that is so true.
Although I don't think the OP has any right to press his beliefs on the person they were talking to. People are free to live their own lives as long as it doesnt hurt other people.
I am happy in a non-monogamous marriage. No, it's not for everyone. Yes, it does work for some. My husband and I simply value honesty over monogamy.
Would you be judgmental about a couple who attended a wedding, and each danced with people other than their spouse? At one time, dancing with someone other than your spouse would have been a horrific scandal. Different times, different customs.
I don't judge others' relationships. I simply ask for the same courtesy.
I don't think I could have said it any better. Thank you!
different strokes, man...I wouldn't worry, unless you find a wife who is into that most people prefer to be monogamous. if you suck as a husband she might cheat but really this kind of stupid stuff should not stop you...just marry the right person, don't even contemplate it unless you are sure she is the right girl. also, your friend is an idiot.
He is more of a acquaintance in music circles than a friend, I wouldn't allow such a debate to happen with a friend nor would I say something I knew would be taken as a offense if it were a friend. I'd keep my thoughts to myself.
Yeah I know, but it messes with my mind. It has for a long time. As the years go by and I see it even more it just reinforces my fear. And I am typing all this in my thread because this week for whatever reason it has been on my mind and making me down and maybe typing it will make me feel better.
meh.... he's right in a sense though, I live in my own world where the shade is purple and I don't want to grow up and come out to the real world where everything is just grey.
Got to get out of this self-pity and self hurting phase I am in this week
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