Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I do appreciate all the advice. I've gotten great feedback, but so much information is contradictory, too.
So, you touch her too much, or give her too much and she is turned off because you're clingy. She needs space and her "me" time. Yet, give her too much space, and she isn't properly turned on, and still rejects you.
Help around the house, and you demasculinize yourself and she isn't turned on. Don't help around the house, and she's too resentful towards you for not helping, that she isn't turned on.
Can't win no matter what. Sometimes, I think it's just easier to masturbate.
When you are talking about a specific person, your wife, only one of those contradicting statements is going to be true. You have to actually know your wife to know which one is true for her. We certainly don't know her, you do. It's not a no-win paradox.
I don't understand the "women don't like sex" thing. Why generalize his problem to all women? Just because he chose a non-orgasmic woman to marry, we ALL "don't like sex"? WTF?!? Women LOVE sex, OP. More than most men, from what I've seen here on C-D, anyway.
To be perfectly honest, I think it's because he DOES love his wife. It's much easier to blame the entire gender than to blame the woman that he loves. He has another thread about how he thinks women who make great wives are awful lovers - and vice versa. The truth is, he married a woman he was sexually incompatible with and is looking for something to blame. It's much easier to put the blame on "women" than on his wife for having no sex drive and being lousy in bed or on himself for marrying her in the first place when he knew the sex wasn't good. If he puts the blame on "women" - then it isn't his wife's fault because women just don't like sex.
Bit curious as to how was she selling sex with their spouses as a good thing to them as that may be an insight on to why she didn't have a positive attitude to having sex with you.
She basically just said, and I'm paraphrasing "sex is very important to a marriage, especially to men. We don't always realize how important it is, and it took me a long time to realize that. "
When you are talking about a specific person, your wife, only one of those contradicting statements is going to be true. You have to actually know your wife to know which one is true for her. We certainly don't know her, you do. It's not a no-win paradox.
You're right.
We've learned a few things from counseling:
-my wife doesn't really even know what turns her on and never really has, but slowly, we're figuring it out, and there actually are some things!
-she needs cool-down time before she's ready for sex, but by the time she's cooled down, it's bedtime, and the alarm will be going off in 6 hours or less.
-she has gone from not caring that she has no libido, to actually wanting to have one.
-I have learned that if I be affectionate, in ways I know she likes, and don't mention sex for a while, she's more receptive later on. I still struggle with the fact that it takes several weeks at least of no mention of sex whatsoever to get her in a reasonably interested mood.
-slowly, we're getting better at communicating with each other
To be perfectly honest, I think it's because he DOES love his wife. It's much easier to blame the entire gender than to blame the woman that he loves. He has another thread about how he thinks women who make great wives are awful lovers - and vice versa. The truth is, he married a woman he was sexually incompatible with and is looking for something to blame. It's much easier to put the blame on "women" than on his wife for having no sex drive and being lousy in bed or on himself for marrying her in the first place when he knew the sex wasn't good. If he puts the blame on "women" - then it isn't his wife's fault because women just don't like sex.
-she needs cool-down time before she's ready for sex, but by the time she's cooled down, it's bedtime, and the alarm will be going off in 6 hours or less.
That's what weekends are for, ahh, glorious weekends!
Sexual Attraction is not related to emotional connection????? Do you actually know any women? I know many women who have guys they are not attracted to physically at all, but because they love him, they are attracted to him, and arouse by him.
Like I said - sexual attraction, not love. Sexual attraction is simply that feeling of arousal and raw desire for sex. This arousal towards the other person does decrease over time for couples but that doesn't mean that they love each other less. Most happy couples tend to have sex for 20 years, but that's generally related to their desire due to feeling of closeness.
You are mixing these two, human species survived for millions of years and even during times when our social structures were a lot different. Five million years ago, they'd just "mate and separate".
Sexual arousal can be stimulated by brain/thoughts - mainly due to "titillating"/fantasy of some sort.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Contrary to what you believe, you're not an expert on this. For many women and some men, sexual attraction is very closely intertwined with emotional connection. It can also be connected to intellectual connection. Some people don't get aroused by people they barely know, and many people don't do random sexual encounters, contrary to all the hype about hookup culture. Hookup culture represents a minority of college students, not the majority. And people are VERY aroused by their steady bf/gf, they don't need novelty, at least, not in the first few years of a relationship. The whole reason why they're with a bf or gf is because they're aroused by them. duh.
That's rather because these people have put a clear constraint to themselves that they need to feel emotional connection before they want to have sex. It doesn't mean that it wouldn't work otherwise and believe it or not, people DO feel more aroused while having sex for the first few times than they do after 20 years of continuous sex when the emotional connection is probably much stronger. That's simply because social animals place "sex as a bonding" which is related to social construct. Social construct may work while using sex to bond with all other people in the same village, or it may be limited to monogamous relationship (as in this case) and be severely disrupted if this monogamy is violated. This is why it's completely different from "raw" desire, this type of "sexual desire" is related to bonding rather than sex itself.
by the way, ask any person if they are aroused while they walk down the street/mall/etc and when they spot a complete stranger, especially attractive stranger of their sexual preference. If they tell you that they aren't aroused, I'm telling you, it's either because they have certain reason that blocks them to look after arousal (could be depression, could be being overloaded with thoughts/tasks/ generally busy to even look around in a relax manner, it could be because they are castrated), or it's simply because they don't want to tell you the truth, because it isn't socially acceptable and it's rude or awkward to say so (you're dating them, you're their sibling/parent...). Overwhelming majority does feel sexual attraction to strangers, but it doesn't mean that they'll do "hookups", that's the part I'm trying to say.
And the whole reason why people stay together is because of this connection that they develop, not because they get more and more aroused. It is a result of social interaction and it is conditioned with the quality of this interaction. If this wasn't true, people would separate mainly when they are 70 years old or later.
Ok, I'm not one of those men that gets this. If you really liked the guy and he was willing to do anything, what was the issue?
Anything does not really mean anything. It means, 'anything I am physically and emotionally capable of doing'. Some men have emotional issues that pose a problem.
A key example was the one I gave in the post: The OPs obvious chronic rage, and the demeaning way he talks about his wife. Would you really be able to give your best sexual performance with a woman who canstantly demeaned you and radiated rage at you?
We're moving ahead. Baby steps, but with progress. Sometimes though, I get my head full of negativity, and need to let it all out. It actually helps.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TimR76
I do appreciate all the advice. I've gotten great feedback, but so much information is contradictory, too.
So, you touch her too much, or give her too much and she is turned off because you're clingy. She needs space and her "me" time. Yet, give her too much space, and she isn't properly turned on, and still rejects you.
Help around the house, and you demasculinize yourself and she isn't turned on. Don't help around the house, and she's too resentful towards you for not helping, that she isn't turned on.
Can't win no matter what. Sometimes, I think it's just easier to masturbate.
You are setting yourself up.
You are doing your venting on a forum filled with PUAs who will give you damaging 'advice'. And then you are blaming their advice for your slow progress.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
