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I was with my guy for only 6 months. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his mid twenties. I met him after my breakup with a coworker who I dated for a year and who I started dating right after my divorce from a ten year marriage.
I realize that its time for me to have some alone time so I can get rid of a lot of baggage that I carry around but I just don't know how. This 6 month relationship was a rebound for the coworker, who was a rebound for the divorce. I am now over my divorce, over my co worker (even though I didn't get over him until month 5 of my 6 month relationship) and now I need to get over this new relationship. The only problem is, this newest ex and I were very connected in a lot of ways - I cared about him more than any of the others and felt closer to him but I wasn't "in love" with him. He felt comfortable and familiar like family. I knew this most recent relationship would end, we even set a date for the breakup. The end was terrible, we fought all the time, he was jealous all the time, I was hurt all the time. Then he started to emotionally distance himself.
I guess, I just didn't realize I would miss him so much or that I would lose him as a friend. I didn't understand why we couldn't just transition right into friendship since this is something that we both expected and since he felt the same - that we loved each other but weren't in love with each other. He decided that he needed NC for at least a month or two.
We started NC last week, but I wanted to call him to apologize for a few things that I've done throughout our relationship - we both weren't easy but I wanted to take responsibility for the terrible things that I've done. I also told him that I missed him, that I feel like I lost a member of my family. He felt the same.
Here are my questions:
1) If we both miss each other, both care about each other, and both don't think a relationship between us is a good idea. Why does he feel so strongly about NC? I will respect that's what he needs and give him his time but I want to understand it.
2) How do I stop from hurting? I keep myself busy - I go out, I see friends, I get asked out on dates or hit on a lot so its not that I fear being alone. But, he's always on my mind. I can't even concentrate at work - I've been anti-productive. I wake up depressed and I feel like there's a void. What can I do to get past this?
I was with my guy for only 6 months. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his mid twenties. I met him after my breakup with a coworker who I dated for a year and who I started dating right after my divorce from a ten year marriage.
I realize that its time for me to have some alone time so I can get rid of a lot of baggage that I carry around but I just don't know how. This 6 month relationship was a rebound for the coworker, who was a rebound for the divorce. I am now over my divorce, over my co worker (even though I didn't get over him until month 5 of my 6 month relationship) and now I need to get over this new relationship. The only problem is, this newest ex and I were very connected in a lot of ways - I cared about him more than any of the others and felt closer to him but I wasn't "in love" with him. He felt comfortable and familiar like family. I knew this most recent relationship would end, we even set a date for the breakup. The end was terrible, we fought all the time, he was jealous all the time, I was hurt all the time. Then he started to emotionally distance himself.
I guess, I just didn't realize I would miss him so much or that I would lose him as a friend. I didn't understand why we couldn't just transition right into friendship since this is something that we both expected and since he felt the same - that we loved each other but weren't in love with each other. He decided that he needed NC for at least a month or two.
We started NC last week, but I wanted to call him to apologize for a few things that I've done throughout our relationship - we both weren't easy but I wanted to take responsibility for the terrible things that I've done. I also told him that I missed him, that I feel like I lost a member of my family. He felt the same.
Here are my questions:
1) If we both miss each other, both care about each other, and both don't think a relationship between us is a good idea. Why does he feel so strongly about NC? I will respect that's what he needs and give him his time but I want to understand it.
2) How do I stop from hurting? I keep myself busy - I go out, I see friends, I get asked out on dates or hit on a lot so its not that I fear being alone. But, he's always on my mind. I can't even concentrate at work - I've been anti-productive. I wake up depressed and I feel like there's a void. What can I do to get past this?
I don't mean to sound like a jerk but I don't see that there is anything to get over if the relationship was terrible at the end. You should be relieved that it's over. I'm guessing NC means no contact? If that's what you agreed to then you both need to stick to it otherwise you'll never get over the relationship. You are beating yourself up way too much over a six month relationship.
I understand what you're saying but the first day that we met - we ended up talking 8 hours straight and we've been attached at the hip. We spent every night together - there were days that we spent literally 24 hours in bed just talking and joking. It was very intense. At the end, we pushed each other away so it wouldn't hurt as much. Plus, we had to deal with some really sever trust issues that arose after I took some bad advice from a really well meaning friend. That doesnt negate the friendship that arose from this relationship, does it?
Here are my questions:
1) If we both miss each other, both care about each other, and both don't think a relationship between us is a good idea. Why does he feel so strongly about NC? I will respect that's what he needs and give him his time but I want to understand it.
Same reason why a a recent recovering alcoholic wouldn't want to hang out in a bar.
Quote:
2) How do I stop from hurting? I keep myself busy - I go out, I see friends, I get asked out on dates or hit on a lot so its not that I fear being alone. But, he's always on my mind. I can't even concentrate at work - I've been anti-productive. I wake up depressed and I feel like there's a void. What can I do to get past this?
NC for is for people who do not have the skills to deal with their emotions directly.
It's a crutch, and he is telling you he needs it. I'm sorry; I know it is painful to do something so unhealthy, especially at a time like this .
Were his emotional issues part of the reason for the breakup?
I'm surprised that you would say something as arrogant and incorrect as this, Nila. It is perfectly natural and healthy to want to back away, and need to back away, to destress, get one's bearings, sort through one's feelings, and come to terms with what happened. It serves to make the break-up real.
Continuing to see the person puts behavior in opposition to the relationship as it's currently defined, and it does not allow either party to step back and be objective. It also keeps reopening wounds, and it puts the temptation to have sex front and center. It doesn't allow either party to process what happened, get used to the new dynamic of friendship (if there is to be one, and it's not necessarily healthy that there should be one in all cases), or begin to heal.
But don't take it from me. Take it from the experts:
I was with my guy for only 6 months. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his mid twenties. I met him after my breakup with a coworker who I dated for a year and who I started dating right after my divorce from a ten year marriage.
I realize that its time for me to have some alone time so I can get rid of a lot of baggage that I carry around but I just don't know how. This 6 month relationship was a rebound for the coworker, who was a rebound for the divorce. I am now over my divorce, over my co worker (even though I didn't get over him until month 5 of my 6 month relationship) and now I need to get over this new relationship.
It sounds like you know what you need to do, which is to be alone. No boyfriends. No dating. Do it for yourself, so that you can come to know who you are in your own right, not as part of a couple. You also need to see just how much you are capable of doing on your own. The more you learn about yourself and show yourself what you can do, the more empowered and happier you will be with yourself.
But also, do it for the next fellow who comes along. It is not fair of you to keep using one man to try to get over another.
If you are feeling truly lost, maybe a few sessions with a board-certified therapist can help.
I'm surprised that you would say something as arrogant and incorrect as this, Nila. It is perfectly natural and healthy to want to back away, and need to back away, to destress, get one's bearings, sort through one's feelings, and come to terms with what happened. It serves to make the break-up real.
Continuing to see the person puts behavior in opposition to the relationship as it's currently defined, and it does not allow either party to step back and be objective. It also keeps reopening wounds, and it puts the temptation to have sex front and center. It doesn't allow either party to process what happened, get used to the new dynamic of friendship (if there is to be one, and it's not necessarily healthy that there should be one in all cases), or begin to heal.
But don't take it from me. Take it from the experts:
I agree here, to say that non contact is only for people that need to use it as a crutch is verging on offensive.
I think as Lilac said stepping back and getting ones head screwed back on straight is normal and works for most people, heck I wished I would have done it more in my life, I tried to stay "friends" with the ex's too soon and it made things hard.
NC for is for people who do not have the skills to deal with their emotions directly.
It's a crutch, and he is telling you he needs it. I'm sorry; I know it is painful to do something so unhealthy, especially at a time like this .
Were his emotional issues part of the reason for the breakup?
You're implying that this is used by people that are emotionally unhealthy, and that is putting a negative spin on it. In reality, NC actually IS healthy for a lot of people because it is a grounding experience that allows them to center their emotional balance after something like a breakup from a person whom they care about.
OP - once you've had a relationship and brought deep emotions into caring for another person, you HAVE to emotionally distance yourself so that you don't keep getting sucked down a rabbit hole with a person whom, by your admission here, you are not in love with. Caring for a person, sharing deep connections and intimate moments are not easily forgotten.
How do you get through all the baggage? 1) rediscover who YOU are. Not who you were married, rebound, or rebound on the rebound. Deep down, discover the person you want to be in this life. 2) create goals for you to work toward. 3) process WHY your marriage failed. Don't fall into the trap blaming the former spouse; instead, look into how you played the role that helped it. Then, figure out what you can learn to do better.
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