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I find myself in the most difficult position in my life regarding my relationship. My GF and I have been in long distance relationship for 4 years now. It sucks, but I've dated several women and never met anyone like her. She is extremely intelligent, funny, caring and very generous. She has a great six figure salary career, and is constantly buying me gifts and surprises. We've always had the best time together and rarely fought. For someone like that, I don't mind making the long 230 mile drive to spend the weekend with her. We kept it fair and would alternate weekends and driving.
A couple of years ago, she made it clear to me that she deeply loves me and wants to get married. She is nuts about me, constantly talking to her friends and family about me. I have a strong love for her too, and marriage would certainly make life a lot easier. The distance is the big problem for me. Her solution is for me to just quit my job and move in with her. This idea just goes against my nature. I like to be in control, and losing one's job quickly can make you feel like your life is out of control. I have a government job with great benefits and vested retirement plan. It would be hard to just walk away. Plus what if she lost her job? Then we would be really screwed.
I hoped to solve the problem earlier this year when I interviewed for a state job in her area. I wouldn't lose my benefits. Unfortunately, they didn't hire me. Now, I have an interview with my dream job. I am miserable where I live and this state job would move me into a great city with even greater benefits. I would get some valuable skills in college environment and then could probably live anywhere I want with this experience. The big downside is this job moves me much further way for her. 170 miles extra. I told my GF about the interview on Friday. She took it hard and could only say "that's great" over and over. My heart sank and I just felt really depressed. I don't even have the job, but she told me today that she is mad at herself for thinking I would eventually want to get married. Her comment was:
"There is a line is a stupid chick flick that says," if a man wants to be with you-he will make it happen". I am sorry that I am not worth making it happen."
It kills me that she says that, but hold up, is she guilting me her with the I'm not worth it comment? I haven't responded, but part of me wants to say, well true love is patient and can wait. I can take this job, get the experience and then have a better chance of moving up there. I don't want to throw in the towel.
But the other part of me wants to say she is not being fair. Her solution to getting married requires that I take all the risk and chance. Should I feel bad because I'm not willing to take that leap of faith?
I understand not just quitting your job and taking a chance with being unemployed. However, you've now gone from interviewing in her city to potentially taking a great job even further apart than you are now. Did you think that was going to go over well? 4 years is a long time to be in a relationship that doesn't have a goal/timeline of eliminating the distance between you.
Is there any potential for work for her in this new city?
I think there is an implicit understanding in long distance relationships that eventually the two people will live in the same place. Yes, someone or both will have to sacrifice something to make this happen. Without this understanding, you're just fooling yourself that there is a real future.
Are there no other doable job options in her city for you? I understand her frustration since you aren't happy in your current city, that it does make more sense for you to move to her and now you're moving even FURTHER away, but I also think she is being a little unfair placing all the burden on you to find a way to make it work.
I think this is one of those situations where it's not really anyone's fault. It's just bad timing and other priorities you both have that you're unwilling to give up for the relationship. And honestly maybe that does say something about how committed you both really are that she isn't willing to give up her job and move and you're willing to consider a job even further away from her.
I think timing is just as important as anything else to a relationship being successful. It sounds like it's time to accept this one isn't meant to be.
Sounds like neither of you are prepared to throw caution to the wind and quit their job to move in together. If I were in her shoes I would take your potential move even further away, as a slap in the face to the relationship. Generally the one making the least money should make the move. My husband quit his job and moved to Australia to be with me. I was more important to his happiness than his job. Maybe you need to re-evaluate how important your gf is in your life before you lose her completely.
She's not guilting you, she's sharing her feelings. She's communicating.
Did I understand correctly that if you get this new job, it would be temporary in that city, allowing you to practically pick your location after putting in some time there? Have you explained to her this is a temporary stepping stone that will eventually bring you closer to her? Did you suggest that the two of you meet in the middle for your weekends, each driving approx. halfway? Are you sure that once you get the new training, you could "practically live anywhere I want with this experience"? If so, discuss that with her. Tell her you're really concerned she seems to be giving up so easily, because you have no intention of doing so. You see this as a step to making your and her dreams possible.
And since you seem to be good at finding good job opp'ties to apply for, if this one doesn't work out you may find another one close to where she is anyway. Keep that in mind. The next opp'ty may not be your dream job, but it could facilitate your dream life, a life with her.
Good luck. And by no means quit your job to be dependent entirely on her. That could work for some guys, but it sounds like it wouldn't work for you.
I have a good friend similar situation. They've been together 4 years and 3 have been long distance. They both know they have 2 years to secure their careers and finish school and then they reevaluate. She's got 15 months left of school, and he's got 18 months of work contract left. At which point they'll decide where they want to live and how to proceed. They live more than 500 miles away from each other but are more committed than ever.
It can work but there have to be finite deadlines and a commitment to the relationship.
If this interview turns out to be a flop, then what? Then you'll give up your dream and settle to be with her? That doesn't sound good, like she's a consolation prize. Have you applied for other jobs in her area? Has she applied for jobs in another area? Maybe you both need a change of pace and scenery and a fresh start somewhere new?
You are seriously considering a job that would significantly increase the distance between you and her. How can she read that as anything other than a lack of long-term commitment to her?
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