Friendly or Flirting, two sides of the same coin.... (date, men, advice)
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Among the men that have ever been kind towards me, I assume they were just being friendly. That's how I come to the conclusion no men have ever flirted with me. They certainly haven't asked me out so I feel my assumption is correct.
On occasion I get confused but I finally have it figured out: if it's ambiguous and directed at one of my friends, it's flirting. If it's directed at me, they're just being friendly. If someone was actually flirting with me, I likely wouldn't realize it unless it was super blatantly obvious. And then I'd probably still think he was just being friendly.
I went to a speed dating event last week. One of the men made the comment I must meet men all the time and asked if I just wasn't meeting anyone I was interested in. It took me a couple of days to realize he may have been saying I'm an attractive woman. Though I'm not sure.
I don't think I see flirting in the same way you do! I also might say your average politician is a natural flirt as well. I think that "natural flirts" end up connecting with people in a different way than the non-flirts. A friend mentioned to me that when talking to someone (even strangers) I tend to lead with a "personal" story. Now it is never something intensely personal. Definitely in the realm of small talk about something that happened or someone I met, but it ends up having the unintentional consequence of making people feel more connected and more comfortable. And then the lines blur a bit.
I'll recount some events from the past few months....which possibly could be read as flirting in retrospect.
A couple weeks ago I went to the bike store to pick up something. There is a cute 22 year old who works there (pinch his cheeks cute). And I don't know if you have noticed, but the in thing for the "kids" now is to wear new version of 90s t-shirts. And he was wearing one, and I commented, and we chatted about his shirt when I was checking out. (Me apparently being the old person saying, "back in my day!") And a this weekend I went to get something else for my bike, and of course there was friendly banter, i.e. he asked me how the last thing I bought was working out. Anyway, long story short, I ended up getting a 50% discount on my purchase that day. Obviously there was no real reason for me to get a giant discount. But apparently the universe wanted me to spend less money that day. But maybe to a casual observer, it might have seemed like flirting.
I dated a guy (for a few months) that was someone I met at a store. But based on our meeting, I didn't think he was interested in dating me. In a nutshell, he was talking to the store clerk (i.e. flirting he later mentioned), right when I was going to check out. Anyway, they were talking about something related to a project I had just finished, so I chimed in. At this point, I had already spent a good amount of time chatting with her as well so we had already established rapport.
Anyway, the 3 of us ended chatting about this project, and he asked me for my number, for, as I assumed, more details on running a successful project. Well anyway little while later we talked on the phone, he asked me out, and blah blah blah we ended up dating. One day we were talking about flirting, and I said, "I suck at flirting" and he was like, "um what are you talking about....clearly you are really good at it, because I stop flirting with the store clerk to talk to you." And the whole time I thought I was being friendly.
That's why I think they are two sides of the same coin. My flirting could be your friendly and vice versa.
I see where you are coming from now.
There is small talk and there is talk with intent. Flirting and small talk are gauges for interest. When we flirt We throw them (ideas/hints) out and judge if our interests are in the same vain when we want to proceed with our agenda. Small talk has no intent or agenda attached it's literally just mutual banter on the topic at hand
One can follow the other if the reception and personalities coincide to create a mutual attraction beyond the topic of discussion, but they are not the same things.
The intent is what separate small talk from straight up flirting with one another. They share components, but deviate once an intent is introduced.
I don't believe people are that unaware of themselves if they take the time to understand their actions to consider anything "natrual or unintentional" you might be "a" natural "at" flirting, but "a born this way and I can't help it" flirt? No, sorry I just don't see it.
There is a cause to every reaction, one cannot exsist without the other. Flirtious behaviour is the cause of our intent to receive.
You can't be unintentional if your intent was never to give, you can only be misinterpreted.
Last edited by rego00123; 06-11-2014 at 03:22 PM..
The intent is what separate small talk from straight up innuendo and flirtious ways.
I don't believe people are that unaware of themselves if they take the time to understand their actions to consider anything "natrual or unintentional" you might be "a" natural "at" flirting, but "a born this way and I can't help it" flirt? No, sorry I just don't see it.
There is a cause to every reaction, one cannot exsist without the other. Flirtious behaviour is the cause of our intent to receive.
Flirtatious ways? Hmm I don't know. I used to be way more "hands on" in conversations with people. Arm touches, back touches, knee touches and so on. There was no intent, it was something I did at a young (read this as pre-flirting) age.
And it continued on into my late teens or so. A male friend totally called me on it. I was like what do you mean? He perceived it as flirting, for me that stuff was really for staying connected and engaged in the conversation.
Now I am a neutral zone toucher. And will stick with basically shoulder, top of the arm and upper back these days. I am way more conscious of it than I used to be, because other people perceived it as more. And knee and lower arm are reserved for displays of interest, even though I don't really consider the lower arm an erogenous zone.
I have also noticed that there are way too many men that perceive a smile as a sign someone wants "the d" as someone put it earlier. Am I supposed to stop smiling because some people have too high of an opinion of themselves? Apparently for some people a smile on the sidewalk is a huge indicator. I just think it is friendly.
Don't get me started on the complications that now arise from what I will call the "black person greet." For African-Americans of a certain age, or with parents of a certain age or from certain parts of the country, there is an unofficial rule you are supposed to say hi to other black people. Particularly in areas with fewer black people.
The problem I have now? Well it was great when I was under I don't know 18 or so. I'd say hi, and they (particularly older people) would think I was a polite youngster. But now, and this increases a bit as I get older, and my perceived age increases. When I follow this habit, for black men, let's say in the age range of roughly 45-60, apparently this "greeting" is secretly flirting. I am terrible at perceiving ages, so we'll say that these men look way too old for me, but still think they are in the acceptable range for younger women. For reference sake, my perceived age is typically mid to late 20s. And suddenly these old guys are like "OMG a youngster is hitting on me, yippee!!!" [Technically 45 is probably at the high end of age for me, but not way off base..but you know there is the old adage that "black don't crack." so my perceived 45 year old might actually be 52.]
I am terrible at perceiving ages, so we'll say that these men look way too old for me, but still think they are in the acceptable range for younger women. For reference sake, my perceived age is typically mid to late 20s. And suddenly these old guys are like "OMG a youngster is hitting on me, yippee!!!" [Technically 45 is probably at the high end of age for me, but not way off base..but you know there is the old adage that "black don't crack." so my perceived 45 year old might actually be 52.]
I have also noticed that there are way too many men that perceive a smile as a sign someone wants "the d" as someone put it earlier. Am I supposed to stop smiling because some people have too high of an opinion of themselves? Apparently for some people a smile on the sidewalk is a huge indicator. I just think it is
People looking for something will often see what they want to.
I was guilty of the "if it smiles it's interested" in my early adulthood, I think most eager young men are. It was because what I wanted and was looking for was a warm body to be with so that's all I would see regardless of what was really happening In front of me. My personal agenda was to make that happen so I took every opportunity. I was hyper focused on ANYTHING that could further my cause.
If your intent is nothing more than friendliness and you are not knowingly crossing someone's personal boundaries for what they feel comfortable with. it's not your responsibility to make others behave or change your own behaviors. You can disengage people who do not share the sentiment since your intentions are not the same. There is nothing mutual to further your contact.
On occasion I get confused but I finally have it figured out: if it's ambiguous and directed at one of my friends, it's flirting. If it's directed at me, they're just being friendly. If someone was actually flirting with me, I likely wouldn't realize it unless it was super blatantly obvious. And then I'd probably still think he was just being friendly.
I went to a speed dating event last week. One of the men made the comment I must meet men all the time and asked if I just wasn't meeting anyone I was interested in. It took me a couple of days to realize he may have been saying I'm an attractive woman. Though I'm not sure.
I'm the exact same way I can tell easily if it's two other people but not myself, never could tell. Now it sounds to me like the speed dating guy was flirting with you. How did it go? Did you like it? That is pretty bold, I probably couldn't do a speed dating event.
Among the men that have ever been kind towards me, I assume they were just being friendly. That's how I come to the conclusion no men have ever flirted with me. They certainly haven't asked me out so I feel my assumption is correct.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NWGirl74
On occasion I get confused but I finally have it figured out: if it's ambiguous and directed at one of my friends, it's flirting. If it's directed at me, they're just being friendly. If someone was actually flirting with me, I likely wouldn't realize it unless it was super blatantly obvious. And then I'd probably still think he was just being friendly.
I went to a speed dating event last week. One of the men made the comment I must meet men all the time and asked if I just wasn't meeting anyone I was interested in. It took me a couple of days to realize he may have been saying I'm an attractive woman. Though I'm not sure.
never conclude that men are not flirting with you just because they dont ask you out. if guys are interested in you, they will flirt with you. and if you are on the ball you will know when it happens. some guys, like myself, flirt with every woman they see. why? because we may end up seeing them again, and we want a positive contact now, so that when we see them again we can make a better connection.
just because a guy doesnt ask you out right then and there doesnt mean he is not interested. more likely it means he is looking for a sign from you that you are interested in them.
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