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As I've mentioned, I am taking a break from dating. I am just kind of fed up with it and fed up with all the first dates with men who end up being weird, crazy, or jerks. I also mentioned in the past that I need to figure out what it is about me that attracts these kinds of guys.
Well, I was talking to a guyfriend last week who seems pretty wise when it comes to dating and relationships and thinking about something he said. He said I am not picky enough. For example, he said when I did online dating, I would go out first chance I got--sometimes after only one or two messages (which is true). He said, that's why I ran into so many jerks. I didn't weed them out first. Now, my philosophy is that I need to meet the person, in person to figure out if I like him or not (so why waste time with endless writing, phone calls, and the like). But he stressed that, that was a mistake and that I should spend much more time getting to know someone and that a man who's serious about dating will take the time to get to know you online a little first.
He also said don't go out with anyone I am not "excited" to meet. Again with online, if someone has little or nothing in common with me, don't bother (and that happens a lot... it's like guys don't read my profile sometimes). Or if I see deal breakers right off, to not bother. My friend says that's what I've been doing is going out with "anyone" and that's why I've had so many failure dates and getting "burnt out" so quickly. I am not screening them well enough.
One last thing he told me (that was tied in to all this) was to stop worrying about being so nice. He said I am way too concerned about possibly hurting the feelings of men asking me out (he says that's why I don't say no to deal breaker or dates I am just not feeling). He said it makes me come across as a doormat with low standards and jerks especially are drawn to doormats.
So it boils down to him advising that I should be pickier before I go out on a date, weed people out early on, and be a little less accommodating to strangers (and look after myself first). Even if that means a lot less dating or if I come across as a bit stuck up (less failed dating would be nice because dating costs a mint in sitter fees).
I'd just like to get some more input on this... see what others think as well and see what works for you. Honestly, I will most likely give his advice a try (what do I have to lose and what he said seems logical to me), but I love to get as much info as I can and I think it's an interesting topic for more than just me.
So with dating (especially online dating), do you feel being picky is the best approach or do you feel just going out there and dating as many people (numbers game) is best? Why do you think that method is best? And do you get frustrated or burnt out with either approach and if so, how soon?
In close to 6 months I was on OKC (gave up for good almost 3 years ago) I only got one offer which I turned down.
Only about 10 responses to my well written profile with recent pictures so not much to choose from.
I went out on one so-so date.
Sorry, not much help to you. I found women are very picky when it comes to this. It's the reason why I gave up - I got tired of the indecision's and game playing. I don't beg.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I can't agree with this guy entirely. Better to meet early: lower expectations, less investment, and you know immediately if there is a spark or not. The worst dates on OLD are those where you wrote for ages, even spoke on the phone, get excited to meet... then you meet and there is no chemistry. Those are the emotional killers.
I would agree with the idea that you should see some compatibility though in order to go out, and if there are real dealbreakers, then don't bother. But in reality, people should have few true dealbreakers.
Yes, you shouldn't agree to dates just to be nice. He's right on that one. And yes, look out for yourself first, absolutely.
I don't think it is a numbers game, by any means. But it also isn't about filling out a shopping list, or a checkbox, then saying, ok, he graded above 80%, he passes to date stage. There is a balance there, and it is about getting the right feel for it all. Finding the right equilibrium. Where you are at, mentally and emotionally is going to vary, so you're approach will vary, and, quite frankly, your openness to connecting with someone (and them to you) will vary day to day, week to week, year to year. There is no one right answer to this... it's about balance and knowing yourself, and trusting yourself.
Personally, I don't get frustrated by OLD, really ever, because even if there isn't a love connection, I enjoy getting out there, meeting people, and the whole process of dating. Dating is fun. There were times I was doing 2-3 OLD dates a week for 2-3 months on end just because I liked getting out there.
I do get burnt out on occasion (which might sound like it is contradicting my first statement, but it is different) because it is a time sink and I sometimes neglect other parts of my life when I'm deep into OLD. Generally that happens when I really want something to happen... and almost entirely that occurs when I'm not happy with my life as it is. I'm not happy with work, the rest of my social life, something else, and I try to find happiness through dating. Which, to me, isn't a good idea.
Last edited by timberline742; 06-13-2014 at 07:07 AM..
I see some wisdom in what your friend says, if only from the desire to not waste time on a mediocre date when a good book is so much more entertaining, not to mention cheaper.
As for attracting better men, oh, how I love this guy's blog:
Nothing is wrong with you or what you're doing. There are just a lot of weird crazy jerks online.
I don't agree. I think jilla's guy friend made an insightful observation about the fact she comes across as a doormat and jerks are attracted to that. I have never done the online dating thing but I can see the merit in written correspondence for a period of time. It helps you both to get to know one another so that when you actually meet there is already some bond made so there is less likelihood of being treated poorly. Even if there is no real spark upon meeting at least you can part on decent terms. Anyway that's just my opinion. I met my husband online in a chat room and we spent months chatting. By the time we met he was very familiar to me and it never felt like meeting a complete stranger.
That's so simple: You are getting "jerks" because you are wanting the guys that all other women want and that allows those guys to be "jerks"
Think of princess syndrome but reverse. Pretty much all girls with "princess syndromes" are HOT girls. Why is that? Because they have 100s of guys kissing their feet at any given moment which allows them to demand more aka princess syndrome.
What is the reverse for guys? Jerks. Jerks have attributes that all women want. Be it height, funny, confidence, money, looks, personality, status whatever.
If you are a guy that all woman want. You can afford to be a jerk. The mentality is, hey if this girl doesn't like me, I'll just get a new girl who is dying for a guy like me.
Now, nice guys can't afford to be like this because they don't have the options so they are forced to be "nice". AKA nice guys.
I can't agree with this guy entirely. Better to meet early: lower expectations, less investment, and you know immediately if there is a spark or not. The worst dates on OLD are those where you wrote for ages, even spoke on the phone, get excited to meet... then you meet and there is no chemistry. Those are the emotional killers.
This has always been my philosophy... but it's not working for me for some reason. That's why I figured it might be worth changing how I do things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by John13
Which puzzles me why I failed so badly.
I am not like this but apparently most like to play silly games...
I pretty much went out with anyone who asked me. And it's not that they play games... they seem all nice and fine until you meet them. Then you figure out they have issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
I see some wisdom in what your friend says, if only from the desire to not waste time on a mediocre date when a good book is so much more entertaining, not to mention cheaper.
As for attracting better men, oh, how I love this guy's blog:
Thanks for the link... going to read it soon. And yeah, a good books is more entertaining, relaxing, and a lot cheaper
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna
I don't agree. I think jilla's guy friend made an insightful observation about the fact she comes across as a doormat and jerks are attracted to that...
I should note my friend also has the advantage of seeing me in action in the flesh. Meaning, he's seen me be (what he calls) overly nice when I don't need to be. So it could be that with someone like me, the carpet bombing going out with any guy who asks (giving any guy a shot) doesn't work with my personality type.
Quote:
Originally Posted by techcrium
That's so simple: You are getting "jerks" because you are wanting the guys that all other women want and that allows those guys to be "jerks"
They are the ones wanting me though... they are the ones asking me out. And to be fair, it's mainly "crazy" guys more so than jerks that I meet (and by crazy that I mean not only men with temporary insanity like not being over their ex to the point that all they talk about or something but also the guys with real long-term problems too... I mean real mental health issues).
Before you ask, I have asked men out from OLD... never got a date out of any of them. They all flaked on me for some reason (disappeared, canceled the first date, postponed the first date* etc).
I put a "*" by postponed because that kind of folds back into my old philosophy of "meet them soon." I would give up on guys who I deemed as "pen pals." So in that respect (and combining with my friend's observation) maybe those guys that I've been getting bored with (with all the online correspondence) are the ones I should give more of a chance to.
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