Spinoff question about OLD (dating, married, women, love)
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I wrote this in jillabean's thread, and then worried it would distract from her topic so I have moved it here:
I wonder if sometimes women over 35 tend to value things about ourselves that are not what most men value.
I look at the dating profiles of women my age, and they really are awesome! They look good, are fit, have all kinds of cool jobs and hobbies. It's easy to tell that they love life, and have great relationships with their friend and family. Most of them I would rate 8-10.
Then I look at the profiles of the men. Some seem to be living life at about the same level as the women. But there is far more obvious dysfunction in their profiles. Many are clearly clinically depressed, there are clues to alcoholism and drug addiction. About a third of them seem to be doing the peter pan thing.
Why is this? Are men just less aware of how they portray themselves? Are the good men really all taken? Does online dating attract healthy women and unhealthy men?
I find this confusing and would welcome insights, particularly from those who know that I love men .
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I responded in the other thread. I think you are just seeing women's profiles with rose colored glasses and men's profiles with critical glasses. I do not see what you see. At all.
I wrote this in jillabean's thread, and then worried it would distract from her topic so I have moved it here:
I wonder if sometimes women over 35 tend to value things about ourselves that are not what most men value.
I look at the dating profiles of women my age, and they really are awesome! They look good, are fit, have all kinds of cool jobs and hobbies. It's easy to tell that they love life, and have great relationships with their friend and family. Most of them I would rate 8-10.
Then I look at the profiles of the men. Some seem to be living life at about the same level as the women. But there is far more obvious dysfunction in their profiles. Many are clearly clinically depressed, there are clues to alcoholism and drug addiction. About a third of them seem to be doing the peter pan thing.
Why is this? Are men just less aware of how they portray themselves? Are the good men really all taken? Does online dating attract healthy women and unhealthy men?
I find this confusing and would welcome insights, particularly from those who know that I love men .
I one time did a search on POF for the guys who were my "competition" on online dating... and they all looked like losers, creeps and idiots. There's plenty of ugly, trashy women on there but in my opinion there were a lot more quality women than quality guys.
Probably a generalization, but you are probably not wrong in your assessment seeing that the women were much better. Who knows why, it just made me realize why I had such an easy time with online dating when I was doing it
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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And what is the Peter Pan thing? Maybe I have it? I don't know. I love music, been involved with it for ages. I like hiking/nature photography and most of my travel is focused on that. Is that Peter Pan? I dunno.
Timberline named some cities in his other reply, and I took a look. This seems to vary widely by region -- in SF, for example, the men look awesome and the women meh.
A guy friend in SF says that dating is extremely difficult for men there, and women have sky-high standards. (I mean, he gave examples that seemed crazy, to me.) So I guess they have had to step up their online game?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Dating was horrendous in SF. I thought it would be welcoming to people involved in music that worked in environmental conservation fields, but so not so.
And what is the Peter Pan thing? Maybe I have it? I don't know. I love music, been involved with it for ages. I like hiking/nature photography and most of my travel is focused on that. Is that Peter Pan? I dunno.
No. It's where you have terror of being a guy your age who loves those things . Or of having a friend of any gender who is less than 10 years younger than you. You know, the people who claim all their friends are 25, and it's because they are so young at heart...
Dating was horrendous in SF. I thought it would be welcoming to people involved in music that worked in environmental conservation fields, but so not so.
This really surprises me. SF is full of enviro orgs, and it has a very diverse music scene. Maybe few of those people were using OLD? Did you actually mingle IRL at the enviro orgs and in the music scene? And what about the East Bay for dating?
I don't think it's so much about people are losers or successful, but more about what you're looking for. With online dating, naturally less people are going to have their lives together. You're catching people after a failed relationship, relocation, failed marriage, children, etc. One thing I've realized is by 30, if you haven't been married, then it's likely by choice. Whether that choice was college, career, travel the world, drugs, alcohol, etc, you made the choice to do those things. I definitely support the mindset of being 30 and unmarried, but for everyone who thinks as I do, there's someone who doesn't think the way that I do.
I saw online dating as this, and correct me if I'm wrong. I saw a lot of profiles that were rather similar. Divorced, children, no college education, back in school, and roughly between the ages of 23-30. If I looked at 38+, I saw a lot more in a career, have my own home, have my own car, and my kids are grown or near grown. Both of those scenarios make a lot of since, but look at the disparity between the two. At 29-30, I found myself having more things in common with the 38+ crowd, but they didn't with me, because I didn't have kids. The 23-30 age crowd was more my age demographic, but they were experiencing and going through a lot of things I just had no desire to relive again. Been through college and missed the time frame of raising my own child young or someone else's child while I was young. Then you hit the 31-37 age group that likely focused on their career, didn't have kids, and have a ton of mobility. The problem with this demographic seemed to be that while they were so accomplished, they wanted their partner to be just as accomplished or more accomplished as well.
It's just really not easy to meet someone who wants to stay around for the long haul anymore, because standards and what's to be expected is more sought after these days. Truth be told, as individuals, we have more options than we've ever had before, and these options aren't seen as taboo as they were decades ago either. Couples can agree to open marriages that weren't even talked about in the past. Women are making more money than men and bridging the financial gap as well. Women are perfectly fine raising a family on their own too. The options have changed and where women have become more empowered, there wasn't really anywhere else for the man to go. He was already a long standing bread winner and it's biologically impossible for men to have children. In the end, women can do a lot that the man can do, and so it's natural for them to ask for us to do more. What's the point of having someone in your life if you can do everything that they can and more? This isn't about keeping a man supreme over a woman, it's about the woman getting smart and pushing a lazy man to the side, who decades ago would have gotten a free lunch.
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. Or of having a friend of any gender who is less than 10 years younger than you. You know, the people who claim all their friends are 25, and it's because they are so young at heart...
