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You can keep on trying to control the world around you if you'd like, but you'll be doing it as a very lonely person in the long run.
Believe me, I am ok with being alone. I enjoy the company of another person but I don't NEED it. Remember my dream was to be a single woman but if I was with someone, then great. I enjoy time to myself so living with him has been a sacrifice. He knew all this before we committed to the relationship and I was not in a hurry to be in one but he was persistent and said he could deal with me and ok with my quirks. I even asked him the other day how long it took for me to show my "true" colors and he said right away. So I didn't put on any "act" during our "getting to know you" time.
what people are failing to remember is that I had said he was aware before we committed to a relationship that marriage wasn't an option. I can sound selfish/self centered but the whole premise of this thread has been lost. I am trying to compromise. If I marry him it would be doing what he wants and not finding a solution we both agree on. Additionally, I've yet to get an answer to what alternatives there are to marriage. I dont mind being in a committed relationship, just not marriage because I fail to understand what it really means in todays society and I don't want to get into something I dont understand. And yes I've been doing my research: counseling, books, case studies (observing and talking to married people) and still haven't gotten the answers in looking for. If I'm trying to understand marriage to see if it will be an option, doesnt that some sort of compromise?
Last edited by kbass; 07-11-2014 at 07:47 AM..
Reason: to elaborate
what people are failing to remember is that I had said he was aware before we committed to a relationship that marriage wasn't an option. I can sound selfish/self centered but the whole premise of this thread has been lost. I am trying to compromise. If I marry him it would be doing what he wants and not finding a solution we both agree on. Additionally, I've yet to get an answer to what alternatives there are to marriage. I dont mind being in a committed relationship, just not marriage because I fail to understand what it really means in todays society and I don't want to get into something I dont understand. And yes I've been doing my research: counseling, books, case studies (observing and talking to married people).
Don't let anyone tell you marriage should be your next step if you don't want it to be.
It is hard for narrow-minded people to understand how someone (esp a woman) can be in a healthy LTR with someone that doesn't lead to marriage, but it is possible.
I have been proposed to twice, even after explicitly stating I was not interested in marriage. Me saying "no" eventually caused the relationship to crumble.
I don't think you need to take a next step.
Cohabitation was most likely the last and final step in this process if marriage is out of the question.
At 6 years, our relationship has hit the road block -- what should our next step be. We have a wonderful relationship since day one and continues to grow stronger. Never had any major problems that haven't been worked out... overall good. There are some quirks that he has that if I were married I don't trust him to be in charge of. His procrastination. He waits till the deadline to take care of important business (taxes, car registration tags, important home repairs). But if its something he wants to do, its done immediately. I am the exact opposite. Me being independent, if we were married, I expect him to be independent too so I wouldn't want to be the one to take care of such things if I want them to be done in a timely manner. I should trust that he will take care of them in a timely manner. We should be on the same page if its going to affect one another. So when I say I can't trust him, this is what I mean. Anyhow, fOr religious reasons, he wants a "marriage" in the eyes of God (he's Catholic. Its a sacrament). I am more realistic, trying to figure out what marriage means in today's society. What's the real purpose? I don't need the benefits (insurance, tax breaks etc.) neither of us want a "documented" relationship.
But I am happy with him and never had any interest to date anyone else. I want to be with him for a long time. I just don't want to be married. Are there any other alternatives or suggestions? I looked into civil union or partnership. Commitment ceremonies. He's not interested in those.
I don't really see a problem with the bolded. It gets done, it's just not done YOUR way. But I guess you are the type that is always right and everyone else is always wrong? Seems like it.
You are not an independent woman...you are a control freak.
Case in point...the text in red. He is Catholic and holds high esteem for his sacraments, and your view is "more realistic". Okay then. You may not understand or agree with him, but that does not make your way the right way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kbass
So I didn't put on any "act" during our "getting to know you" time.
No, but you are doing that now. You didn't want to live with him but you moved in anyway. You don't want to get married but you want to find the loophole. Bottom line, your long term goals are not well matched and I can almost guarantee you there will be resentment. The fact that he has said he'd like one child, but doesn't have to have one...he's making that sacrifice for you.
At any rate...your legal loop hole is that you and he could always incorporate yourselves and then merge together.
what people are failing to remember is that I had said he was aware before we committed to a relationship that marriage wasn't an option. I can sound selfish/self centered but the whole premise of this thread has been lost. I am trying to compromise. If I marry him it would be doing what he wants and not finding a solution we both agree on. Additionally, I've yet to get an answer to what alternatives there are to marriage. I dont mind being in a committed relationship, just not marriage because I fail to understand what it really means in todays society and I don't want to get into something I dont understand. And yes I've been doing my research: counseling, books, case studies (observing and talking to married people).
You can be married and still be an independent person. But there is a BIG difference between independence and what you are describing.
I DON'T think you should marry him or anyone. You should compromise, yes, but you should not just give in for something he wants that you, quite frankly, have expressed so much disdain for.
You don't speak about him in a caring way AT ALL, and if you do marry him, you most likely will end up resenting him and everything around you (if you don't already).
You mainly need to figure out what the h*ll you want and how you ended up agreeing to live with someone when you so obviously don't care about him.
Not sure if it's been suggested already, but there's a growing movement in legal circles to have marital contracts that end after a specified amount of time. As you get near the end of the contract, you can decide whether to renew or walk away.
Not sure if it's been suggested already, but there's a growing movement in legal circles to have marital contracts that end after a specified amount of time. As you get near the end of the contract, you can decide whether to renew or walk away.
How romantic.
Marriage IS a contract. You choose to renew it every day when you wake up.
Marriage IS a contract. You choose to renew it every day when you wake up.
It's NOT for everybody.
Now all contracts are lifetime. I'm not saying I support the idea of temporary marriages. It makes it seem as though you're leasing a spouse the way you lease a new car every 3 years.
He wants it in the eyes of God but not the government.
Aside from the fact that I don't need the (tax) benefits, I too do not want the government to know my relationship status. Why is it their business?
+100000000000000000000000
The only thing that concerns me is about sickness/death decision issues. Getting a will done solves some of this though.
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