Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I knew a girl from High school that I loved about two years ago November. We had dated one another in school and our early 20s.
I began talking to her periodically and in April of 2013 we dated again. She had left her husband and moved out in December of 2012. So we were both going through a separation with plans on divorce.
Long story short, her physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive ex will go from "I hate you woman" to "I love you and can't we work things out". They have not lived under the same roof since 2012.
He wants to fight me, which I think is just stupid and childish, and has told several people if he ever sees me he is immediately going to just rush me.
Amy and I have simply fallen more and more in live with one another. We have become closer and closer through this. Call me silly, but I naturally parent pretty good. Her kids love me. I was over for two weeks to stay with Amy and the kids over the fourth, it was great. This weekend I go over and Amys daughter begins grilling me, and we discover that her father is talking to her about me in a negative light.
Not sure how to defuse the situation. I'm no fan of him, I think he is a mid 40s man child who can't let go of a marriage he had the major part in destroying. He can't stand me being around the kids for any amount of time because he believes I am th only one standing between him and getting her back under his thumb.
Of course there is so much story between now and then.
How does this end? We simply want to move on with our lives. Amy filed for divorce last May, and he still calls her one day saying he loves her and wants her back, the next he is calling her *****.
Am I angry? Partly. I can't hear someone I care about, especially a woman, who is being degraded verbally. But I bite my tongue. We are taking the high road, but this is starting to get ridiculous.
Fighting in your 30s and 40s is just stupid. We are obviously going to all be in these children's lives and should behave like adults for them. Unfortunately it seems we have one member of this 4 adult group who can't let go and is threatening to become violent.
You may have history with this woman, but with the two of you separating and getting divorced, you will not likely be anymore than a temporary fix. Get prepared for the two of you to experience an emotional roller coaster ride. The fact that she was so abused, she will act irrationally at times. And knowing that she was abused, puts you in a whole new light. You must be compassionate to her, no matter how mad you get, blowing up at her when she isn't mad at you, just venting, will cause the relationship deep strains. Now you get to decide if an argument is triggered by your actions, or something she was thinking about all day....it's not fun...good luck, you will need it.
How does it all stop? It stops when she doesn't allow him to own her....but that's going to be tough until she is legally divorced with favorable custody. Until then you are looking at a lot of compromise and misery....
You may have history with this woman, but with the two of you separating and getting divorced, you will not likely be anymore than a temporary fix. Get prepared for the two of you to experience an emotional roller coaster ride. The fact that she was so abused, she will act irrationally at times. And knowing that she was abused, puts you in a whole new light. You must be compassionate to her, no matter how mad you get, blowing up at her when she isn't mad at you, just venting, will cause the relationship deep strains. Now you get to decide if an argument is triggered by your actions, or something she was thinking about all day....it's not fun...good luck, you will need it.
How does it all stop? It stops when she doesn't allow him to own her....but that's going to be tough until she is legally divorced with favorable custody. Until then you are looking at a lot of compromise and misery....
She has primary custody, he gets visitation. They have been legally separated for almost two years, as is required in Tennessee before obtaining a divorce. State law won't grant a divorce for a while when kids are in the picture. You literally have to attend several months of couples therapy with a person you now hate. Its stupid, but its the way it is.
Yes, we've talked about our long odds before. Amy was my best friend, and we picked up like we were in the same place we where. We've been together for a year and a half now, but because of her divorce and state laws here, she can not live with me for some time after the divorce is final. Welcome to the south.
Her and my story is the whole picture. Her ex who wants to fight like roosters for a hen at 40 is a small part of it. I think Amy and I will be just fine. We are very open together, but we aren't going into this with blinders on.
She needs to tell him he is not allowed to contact her except through written communication. She must tell him to limit the content to only discussion of the children. He will violate this. She will then need to get a restraining order.
Do you have multiple witnesses who would be willing to testify that he has threatened you?
This guy needs to be shut down, and probably the best thing would be to get him out of the kids' lives. My best friend had a father who was a lot like this. He caused her so much misery, and then when she was an adult (!), it escalated into physical abuse. Imagine a 250 pound man violently slapping a frail 100-pound young woman.
People who are this volatile only cause pain and suffering to the people they supposedly "love."
She needs to tell him he is not allowed to contact her except through written communication. She must tell him to limit the content to only discussion of the children. He will violate this. She will then need to get a restraining order.
Do you have multiple witnesses who would be willing to testify that he has threatened you?
This guy needs to be shut down, and probably the best thing would be to get him out of the kids' lives. My best friend had a father who was a lot like this. He caused her so much misery, and then when she was an adult (!), it escalated into physical abuse. Imagine a 250 pound man violently slapping a frail 100-pound young woman.
People who are this volatile only cause pain and suffering to the people they supposedly "love."
I don't know him personally. Everyone I talk to says he is the kind of guy people make friends with at the bar, but he is a useless human being at home.
I feel his frustration. I myself would be devastated at the thought of another man being dad in my place. But thats really not what his behavior is about. When he does have time with the children its more of a way for him to be around his ex wife. One minute he will call her a *****, the next he is begging to get back together.
I'm just trying to find the best possible way to confront him and reason with him without coming to blows. Yes, he has verbally told people he wants to fight me. There are witnesses.
He lives two streets behind her in a town of about 3000 people. He is going to be around.
I don't know him personally. Everyone I talk to says he is the kind of guy people make friends with at the bar, but he is a useless human being at home.
I feel his frustration. I myself would be devastated at the thought of another man being dad in my place. But thats really not what his behavior is about. When he does have time with the children its more of a way for him to be around his ex wife. One minute he will call her a *****, the next he is begging to get back together.
I'm just trying to find the best possible way to confront him and reason with him without coming to blows. Yes, he has verbally told people he wants to fight me. There are witnesses.
He lives two streets behind her in a town of about 3000 people. He is going to be around.
My experience with guys like this is that they are big on talk short on walk. The louder he is about saying he's going to come at you, the less I would worry. Keep a position of quiet preparedness. Don't underestimate him, and do NOT engage. Just be ready. As I said, in my experience, guys like this are long on mouth. However, alcohol is the wild card you need to be ready for. Even a rodent can roar if you add enough booze.
Anyway, let him run the hole under his nose. He's the one that looks foolish, not you. Watch out for your girl, and just be quietly ready for anything. Sooner or later, he's either got to pay up, or shut up. My moneys on shut up.
My experience with guys like this is that they are big on talk short on walk. The louder he is about saying he's going to come at you, the less I would worry. Keep a position of quiet preparedness. Don't underestimate him, and do NOT engage. Just be ready. As I said, in my experience, guys like this are long on mouth. However, alcohol is the wild card you need to be ready for. Even a rodent can roar if you add enough booze.
Anyway, let him run the hole under his nose. He's the one that looks foolish, not you. Watch out for your girl, and just be quietly ready for anything. Sooner or later, he's either got to pay up, or shut up. My moneys on shut up.
+1, had to deal with a guy like this and he was the parent of my ex's daughters, he would say things in front of them, that were very unacceptable. He fought the visitation and made us fly back and forth from West to East Coast. He talked tough, and you just ignore, I always thought that if I did engage him, it would be very bad for the girls...He would agree to a new visitation agreement, and we flew out, and he change his mind...He did that twice, so finally, he needed to get paid back.
Surprised him....shoe print on his face.....cops come....and after I tell them the story, they said they hope he learns his lesson too! But it was extreme over many years, and I had enough....
+1, had to deal with a guy like this and he was the parent of my ex's daughters, he would say things in front of them, that were very unacceptable. He fought the visitation and made us fly back and forth from West to East Coast. He talked tough, and you just ignore, I always thought that if I did engage him, it would be very bad for the girls...He would agree to a new visitation agreement, and we flew out, and he change his mind...He did that twice, so finally, he needed to get paid back.
Surprised him....shoe print on his face.....cops come....and after I tell them the story, they said they hope he learns his lesson too! But it was extreme over many years, and I had enough....
I assume he is really the same way. Yes, he tells the kids bad crap when he has them and that drives me nuts. But I'm taking the higher road, I see no need to fight. As you said, it would truly only ever hurt them.
I have to ask you if you think she is a sure thing? If she is, then would it matter if its now or a year later before you guys get together? My point is, unless im misunderstanding, this gal is still married? Even if she filed divorce a few mths ago. A hard truth to swallow is, your gal and her ex still have unresolved issues and your involvement just complicites the matter. Your not taking the higher ground your selfrightously imposing your will into this issue. Your not to be 100% blamed, your girl shouldn't have gotten involved in a serious relationship until her first relationship was resolved.
Sure after any breakup everyone wants to move on. Its sometimes more tougher to move on with a marriage and children are involved.
My suggestion really honestly, is to back off, let them find there closure and end game. If its real with her, it will be real when the process is complete and closure has happened.
+1, had to deal with a guy like this and he was the parent of my ex's daughters, he would say things in front of them, that were very unacceptable. He fought the visitation and made us fly back and forth from West to East Coast. He talked tough, and you just ignore, I always thought that if I did engage him, it would be very bad for the girls...He would agree to a new visitation agreement, and we flew out, and he change his mind...He did that twice, so finally, he needed to get paid back.
Surprised him....shoe print on his face.....cops come....and after I tell them the story, they said they hope he learns his lesson too! But it was extreme over many years, and I had enough....
Bwahahaha you got to be joking! I had to deal with a guy like you too, who just couldn't understand his boundries. Assumed that because he was dating my brothers ex that made him the new daddy to my brothers kids. I compliment my brother for his cool because if some guy came to me and said im daddy
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
