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When I did OLD, I was never asked to a coffee or ice cream date. I don't know why. Typically, the guy wanted to text 'till our fingers fell off (very annoying, ugh). It was like that was how he felt like he was getting to know me (complete with asking me for more pictures- so lame) then he wanted to go on a long date like dinner or all day excursion somewhere.
I did not like this much at all. Very unromantic, mostly because of the texting.
I would have preferred to skip the texting altogether and arrange a coffee or ice cream date asap. Then take it from there if we like each other. OR, have 1 phone call where we talk to break the ice and then if we feel good about each other, we can talk more for a week or two then arrange a longer date like dinner or an all day thing.
But then again, I think OLD is unromantic, contrived, and unnatural, period. There is no way around this.
I must have missed those. So far the girls I've seen have not had an issue with those date suggestions (as far as I know). If they did have an issue with it, that's fine with me. If all they're concerned about is getting pampered, then I'm not interested.
Not to re-rash the whole ice cream first date, but where I am, we don't have cute little ice cream shops to go to. Ice cream and strolling the boardwalk at Coney Island? Sure! But I'd really rather not have a first date at Dairy Queen when the local little league team comes bursting in the door. Not every suggestion for a cheap first date is going to work in all geographic regions.
I think some men don't start really feeling/experiencing their emotions until they are in their 60's.
That's known as early-onset senility.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
I'd say 40's....
All I know is that I am not going to be the one someone learns on again. My ex-hub learned how to be a husband on me. I wouldn't be surprised if my ex-SO learned from me that if he wants a successful relationship he has to be open to vulnerability. Then both of their next women get the benefits of the lessons they learned on me.
Nope! Next time, I am going to be the beneficiary of a man's learning curve.
In fact, that might be a great "before I commit to you" question: "What have you seriously screwed up in a prior relationship that you will never, EVER screw up with another woman ever again for fear of dying alone?"
Not to re-rash the whole ice cream first date, but where I am, we don't have cute little ice cream shops to go to. Ice cream and strolling the boardwalk at Coney Island? Sure! But I'd really rather not have a first date at Dairy Queen when the local little league team comes bursting in the door. Not every suggestion for a cheap first date is going to work in all geographic regions.
These dates were at really well-known, gourmet ice cream shops in the area. I would prefer not to go to an ice cream shop where there are a bunch of screaming kids around either. For me, it's all about the setting. Can you hear me? Can I hear you? Those are at the top of my list for the ideal date setting.
I must have missed those. So far the girls I've seen have not had an issue with those date suggestions (as far as I know). If they did have an issue with it, that's fine with me. If all they're concerned about is getting pampered, then I'm not interested.
It's a good way of screening for the easygoing types who might be open to adventure, and screening out the princess types. Besides, at that stage, the focus is supposed to be on the convo, and learning about each other.
Do what I did. Cut out expensive dates. Stick to coffee, ice cream, cook dinner. I stopped going out on strictly dinner dates a while ago. If she's willing to stick around while you're "cheap" she's willing to stick around while you spend. Most of my dates have been coffee and me cooking dinner. Most women feel comfortable around me, and since I don't have kids, I can have more dates at my apartment. I don't have to go out and pay to have someone prepare my meals.
Also, if you are getting to the point to where dating is expensive, you need to reevaluate the dates you're going on. Maybe you're scheduling too many dates that you can't continuously afford to go on. I started meeting more people online, so I couldn't keep shelling out money for dinners and activities. Coffee and me cooking made things cheaper to where I could date multiple people and it not kill my bank account.
Yes, you are right, dating is expensive, but you have to pay to play.
I will back this up. It also takes a lot of pressure off the woman too. Every first date I've been on this summer has been a dinner date... and every single time I really tried to stress a coffee date or something light. Why? Because I actually do feel badly when a guy goes all out, but I know deep down I am not going to be into him. It's like they thought dinner was more impressive... it wasn't. Save your money and take it light to start.
Honestly, I think this whole dinner date for a meet and greet (first time you meet someone from an online site) is part of that too much too fast thing. Dinner dates are better for when you know the person and think there is a chance at more.
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Originally Posted by Artifice32
Now, Miss Jillabean if you do consider what I have written you will still have to weed out duds--people who aren't ready for commitment for example. So, I'm not trying to portray these particular professions in an ideal light. What I suspect will happen if you take this path is that you may not have to deal with the issues you've indicated in the past but, but, but you will encounter new issues to deal with that may require slight adjustment. However, in my opinion it's better and more fulfilling to deal with new issues and experiences that may be challenging then just continuing more of the same where you kind of know what's going to happen in advance.
However, ultimately, run it by a cognitive behavioral therapist. I emphasize CBT because these people are trained to be objective. My suspicion if you run it by a CBT they will help guide you in what new issues you may have deal with, guide you in whether you want to adjust, and guide you into how to adjust while remaining true to your chore.
I hope this helps.
Thanks again... and thanks for the CBT idea. I figure it can't hurt. I know I have some issues and I know I am really independent in an almost odd sort of way when compared to others. It might be part of my personality and what makes dating harder for me.
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Originally Posted by NilaJones
I'm sure jillabean would be perfectly happy to reimburse those guys for any money they spent, if they actually care.
Also, if you read her posts, it sounds like they were using her for free / extremely cheap counseling. She should be sending them bills!
I always offered to split the check. ALWAYS. Most wouldn't let me. On some dates I got to pay for things though (like on the movie date I went on, he bought the tickets, I bought us popcorn and drinks). But you know what, if they asked, sure, I'd reimburse.
These dates were at really well-known, gourmet ice cream shops in the area.
This. And if your area doesn't have a high-end icecream shop, there may be locally-owned restaurants that make their own gourmet ice cream. You can drop in for desert and coffee, near the end of the lunch hour.
It's like they thought dinner was more impressive... it wasn't. Save your money and take it light to start.
Honestly, I think this whole dinner date for a meet and greet (first time you meet someone from an online site) is part of that too much too fast thing. Dinner dates are better for when you know the person and think there is a chance at more. .
This is the kind of down-to-earth woman a lot of dudes are looking for. No wonder they can't find what they're looking for--it's right under their nose, but they can't see it, because they're trying so hard to impress! Sometimes, less is more. That's an important concept.
Jillabean, I think the problem you are having is for yo online doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with that (contrary to what some say)and it's not for everyone. For me it didn't work because it's way too rush rush and I like to take my time. Also, it got frustrating dealing with all the men. You mentioned you were getting men not looking for what you wanted and to me also sounds like it's not for you. My advice is to not worry and yes try to find someone offline. Instead concentrate on doing things offline, such as join a sports team or some activity. I can't help but wonder if you are still hung up on your last guy and that makes a difference. My last time doing online towards the end is when I met my boyfriend. We weren't dating yet but I liked him which affected how I felt towards other guys. Even though we weren't dating yet I knew it was likely so I quit online.
Yeah, that's my plan really. Like I said in my first post here, I am just giving up online dating. Maybe if I meet men in an organic setting, get to know them first a little (like on a team or something), THEN go out on a date it will be better. At the very least, it will get rid of all those "meet and greet with a stranger" dates.
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth
When I did OLD, I was never asked to a coffee or ice cream date. I don't know why. Typically, the guy wanted to text 'till our fingers fell off (very annoying, ugh). It was like that was how he felt like he was getting to know me (complete with asking me for more pictures- so lame) then he wanted to go on a long date like dinner or all day excursion somewhere.
I did not like this much at all. Very unromantic, mostly because of the texting.
I would have preferred to skip the texting altogether and arrange a coffee or ice cream date asap. Then take it from there if we like each other. OR, have 1 phone call where we talk to break the ice and then if we feel good about each other, we can talk more for a week or two then arrange a longer date like dinner or an all day thing.
But then again, I think OLD is unromantic, contrived, and unnatural, period. There is no way around this.
This is exactly how I felt. And I had one guy do the same (text so much crap that by the time the date rolled around, all he did was repeat everything he said in his texts).
I really don't get the why behind why so many men insist on the dinner date thing. If I was still doing online dating, I might make it a policy to tell them, "I don't do dinner as a date until the third date." lol.
I am starting to feel the same way about OLD too (with it feeling contrived and unnatural). It's like I've said before, normally you meet someone, get to know them, then start dating them. With online dating, it's backwards you start dating THEN get to know them. But it seems like too many men don't want to get to know me or let me get to know them before trying to force things forward.
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