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In the world of dating, people will often talk about the things that supposedly work against them. Their weight, their age, their height, their race, the fact that they have kids, etc. But have you reached a point where you now realize the thing you thought was a disadvantage really wasn't? And if so, what was it and what made you realize that?
The reason I started this thread was because I have my own ideas of things that work against me. But I sometimes wonder if I'm just imagining it, that maybe these things aren't working against me at all. I'm hoping to reach that point which is why I'm curious if anyone else has also.
There are disadvantages that are a reality and it's evident every day on forums like this. We have people who don't date shy people. We have people who don't date overweight people. We have people who don't date religious people. The list could go on forever.
The key is to find someone who will accept you for who you are. Until that happens, we all are working against our perceived "disadvantages" as we try to find the right person who will accept us as is. Or, in the case of an overweight person, it might be as simple as changing your diet and exercising.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Yes and no.
My "disadvantages" are only seen as "disadvantages" to women I wouldn't want to be with because we have incompatible values and/or aren't otherwise right for me.
So, while they may be real, they're irrelevant.
Thus, there is no reason to think about them. That part is in the mind.
Also, it is pure folly to put mental/emotional energy into things I can't control. So if some of these "disadvantages" are things beyond my control, such as height, race, etc, then there is no reason to think or worry about them. It is wasted energy. That again, is in the mind.
My "disadvantages" are only seen as "disadvantages" to women I wouldn't want to be with because we have incompatible values and/or aren't otherwise right for me.
So, while they may be real, they're irrelevant.
Thus, there is no reason to think about them. That part is in the mind.
Also, it is pure folly to put mental/emotional energy into things I can't control. So if some of these "disadvantages" are things beyond my control, such as height, race, etc, then there is no reason to think or worry about them. It is wasted energy. That again, is in the mind.
I think we basically said the same thing, just in a different way.
From a purely objective perspective, while I have some great, um, assets, I'm not very pretty and I'm somewhat overweight. These things hurt me in the dating world, but I have found that with confidence they can be minimized. And it turns out there are quite a few very attractive guys who think an odd-looking face is pretty intriguing and they like that my extra weight manifests mainly in extra curves (think boobs and butt) rather than rolls. Go figure.
The other stuff that "works against me" is just what it is - it's who I am. I'm not going to stop being an atheist or a liberal or stop being a dog person or act more typically feminine. It took me nearly 35 years to settle into my own skin. I'm not going to undo that by changing a fundamental part of who I am. Those things are only disadvantages in the eyes of people I wouldn't want to be with anyway.
Also, it is pure folly to put mental/emotional energy into things I can't control. So if some of these "disadvantages" are things beyond my control, such as height, race, etc, then there is no reason to think or worry about them. It is wasted energy. That again, is in the mind.
I agree that it's wasted energy. But for some people, the things they think are disadvantages aren't disadvantages. But they become a convenient excuse to hide behind. What I'm getting at is people who've come to this realization. I'll give you an example. A friend of mine kept saying men were intimidated by her success, that they didn't want to date her because she made more money or had more education than most men. Finally, she admitted to herself that was BS and that she was using that as an excuse. It's easier to find fault in others who reject you than to accept that you might be doing something wrong or that people just aren't interested in you.
From a purely objective perspective, while I have some great, um, assets, I'm not very pretty and I'm somewhat overweight. These things hurt me in the dating world, but I have found that with confidence they can be minimized. And it turns out there are quite a few very attractive guys who think an odd-looking face is pretty intriguing and they like that my extra weight manifests mainly in extra curves (think boobs and butt) rather than rolls. Go figure.
The other stuff that "works against me" is just what it is - it's who I am. I'm not going to stop being an atheist or a liberal or stop being a dog person or act more typically feminine. It took me nearly 35 years to settle into my own skin. I'm not going to undo that by changing a fundamental part of who I am. Those things are only disadvantages in the eyes of people I wouldn't want to be with anyway.
Wait. Atheist, liberal, curvy, loves dogs, nearly 35? I have two questions. Where do you live and are you single?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
I agree that it's wasted energy. But for some people, the things they think are disadvantages aren't disadvantages. But they become a convenient excuse to hide behind. What I'm getting at is people who've come to this realization. I'll give you an example. A friend of mine kept saying men were intimidated by her success, that they didn't want to date her because she made more money or had more education than most men. Finally, she admitted to herself that was BS and that she was using that as an excuse. It's easier to find fault in others who reject you than to accept that you might be doing something wrong or that people just aren't interested in you.
Oh rationalizing things, or intellectualizing them, as a defense mechanism is as common as can be.
I'm sure there is a male equivalent. I don't date men, so I don't know what it would be, but one I see with a lot women I know (not friends) is that "men (or a specific man) couldn't handle a strong woman" or was "most men can't handle a woman that won't take BS". While that may occur on occasion, with these ladies, it had nothing to do with them being successful or strong, it had to do with them being jerks.
Again, I'm sure there is a male equivalent.
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