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please no trash talking, real opinions and answers only please!
let me start off by saying i am 22, he is 23 and we got together at 18 and 19.
I guess the main thing is wondering how other couples made it through their early twenty twenties and stayed together..I feel like many of our ups and downs come from us getting together at such a young age and our thoughts and opinions of things constantly change.
Our most recent argument that has came up is he thinks its completely fine to go out and have a guys night without giving me any notice at all. I should probably mention that I don't have a lot of girl friends and the few that I do will be traveling the world pretty soon so I won't have anyone other then him to hang out with. I am also to the point in our relationship that I would rather spend what little free time I have with him.
Am I being selfish or unfair by wanting to have a certain amount of days for him to go out? *ie. every other weekend?*
when we first got together, I was a bit controlling of who he went out with an would talk him into staying home with me. *this was mainly because a lot of his friends were doing drugs, he was also taking a lot of ecstasy before we got together* so when he went out I didn't want him to be tempted to start doing drugs again and he wouldn't want me to come along.
well I feel like now he has all this resentment from me not letting him go out those first few years and he's taking it out on me now.
He thinks now I just want to be in control of everything he does, but all I really want is to have a few weekends alone with him. And if he wants to go out, I would like a couple hours notice so I can come up with something to do instead of sit at home by myself. The few times he has went out with his friend, he doesn't come home until 4 or 5 am and is so drunk he goes straight to bed, which I am usually still up just waiting for him to get home.
Is this a normal thing for a 20 something couple to go through? Honestly, I am personally over the going out and getting smashed at the bar phase and he still wants to go to house parties and bars all night. I would rather soend my weekends relaxing, go out to the movies, have a few drinks at home and be sober enough to go to church on Sunday morning.
Anyway, this is just a main example. For older couples out there.. How did you resolve these types of differences in your 20s without huge fights? I want him to have fun and have his freedom but when is enough enough? When I tried to talk to him about this he got mad and said I have no control over what he does. Shouldn't he at least considee to my feelings?
Hopefully this made some sense, thanks for reading.
please no trash talking, real opinions and answers only please!
let me start off by saying i am 22, he is 23 and we got together at 18 and 19.
I guess the main thing is wondering how other couples made it through their early twenty twenties and stayed together..I feel like many of our ups and downs come from us getting together at such a young age and our thoughts and opinions of things constantly change.
Our most recent argument that has came up is he thinks its completely fine to go out and have a guys night without giving me any notice at all. I should probably mention that I don't have a lot of girl friends and the few that I do will be traveling the world pretty soon so I won't have anyone other then him to hang out with. I am also to the point in our relationship that I would rather spend what little free time I have with him.
Am I being selfish or unfair by wanting to have a certain amount of days for him to go out? *ie. every other weekend?*
when we first got together, I was a bit controlling of who he went out with an would talk him into staying home with me. *this was mainly because a lot of his friends were doing drugs, he was also taking a lot of ecstasy before we got together* so when he went out I didn't want him to be tempted to start doing drugs again and he wouldn't want me to come along.
well I feel like now he has all this resentment from me not letting him go out those first few years and he's taking it out on me now.
He thinks now I just want to be in control of everything he does, but all I really want is to have a few weekends alone with him. And if he wants to go out, I would like a couple hours notice so I can come up with something to do instead of sit at home by myself. The few times he has went out with his friend, he doesn't come home until 4 or 5 am and is so drunk he goes straight to bed, which I am usually still up just waiting for him to get home.
Is this a normal thing for a 20 something couple to go through? Honestly, I am personally over the going out and getting smashed at the bar phase and he still wants to go to house parties and bars all night. I would rather soend my weekends relaxing, go out to the movies, have a few drinks at home and be sober enough to go to church on Sunday morning.
Anyway, this is just a main example. For older couples out there.. How did you resolve these types of differences in your 20s without huge fights? I want him to have fun and have his freedom but when is enough enough? When I tried to talk to him about this he got mad and said I have no control over what he does. Shouldn't he at least considee to my feelings?
Hopefully this made some sense, thanks for reading.
My husband and I have been together since I was 20, and it's been almost 20 years.
You need to let him go out with friends. You need to give him the freedom to do that, as long as he doesn't abuse it. You need to actually make plans with him, so you are not caught home alone waiting for him. Reserve a few weekends for alone time with him.
Here is the other bit...you need some friends. Find someone at work or school and invite them to hang out. Seriously. I know it can be awkward, but this is important for your relationship.
You must be a whole person and he must be a whole person. The idea that you are now one person is ridiculous. You don't need each other, you want to be with each other.
There will be ups and downs, so expect them.
Learn how to disagree in a calm way. No yelling or insults. No ultimatums.
Make the time he spends with you fun and memorable. Some of my fondest memories are with my hubby. It bonds you together, and helps you focus on the good times.
We still giggle and laugh as we have date night. Sometimes I feel 20 again with him. He is my soft place to land, and vice versa.
Also- never gripe about him in public. It never goes well.
You two want two different things. You do seem controlling and he's already on the road to resenting you. Plus, his past drug problems, plus his drinking problem, plus he doesn't communicate like an adult. You're both so young and haven't really experienced the world as adults without being tied to each other.
I'd break up. Maybe you'll get back together after a couple of years and he's maybe matured (don't count on it.) This can't be resolved without huge fights. It probably can't be resolved with a huge fight.
As you probably know the odds of you ever being an old couple are really, really low.
My advice is, both get counseling, grow up, stay off the drugs and alcohol , and whatever you do DONT have any kids
till your 30 ( if things smooth out )
It's very common that guys of that age have a fear of being controlled, and women are more ready to settle down.
It would take real courage for him to go to counseling -- most men, especially young men, are terrified of it. But if he would go with you, it would probably help a lot. Maybe a male counselor, so bf doesn't feel ganged up on?
I think he needs to mature and then partying wont be that big of a deal to him. Until then you need to communicate (as does he) and you need some friends.
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