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So we visited again and had some longs talks about the situation. She said she would be willing to move in with me (we'd get married) during the 1.5 to 2 years she has to finish her PhD dissertation.
She would then go on the job market and expect me to resign from my position if or when she found something and go with her. I kind of considered that an ultimatum.
It was definitely more conciliatory than any talks we've ever had before, since she was usually uncompromising in her career path. The odds are though, that she'd find something but not in my local area - so I'd have to give up my career (at that point at a crucial time), sell my house, etc...
I don't know if I can do it. Financial independence is extremely important to me and I have a really good job that's very secure and that I get satisfaction from.
I love this girl, and it's so perfect when we get to spend time together, but we've been long distance for almost 2 years now and our lives have definitely diverged.
Is that a deal you would accept?
I don't want to be one of those people that dies wishing I had spent less time in the office, but I am terrified of not being financially independent. During the crash I had a couple bad years and I was very anxious about money and it affected my relationships. I'm afraid that, whether I think this right now or not, if I couldn't find a decent job in a new location it would come out in arguments.
Last edited by redguard57; 08-27-2014 at 03:03 PM..
So we visited again and had some longs talks about the situation. She said she would be willing to move in with me (we'd get married) during the 1.5 to 2 years she has to finish her PhD dissertation.
She would then go on the job market and expect me to resign from my position if or when she found something and go with her. I kind of considered that an ultimatum.
It was definitely more conciliatory than any talks we've ever had before, since she was usually uncompromising in her career path. The odds are though, that she'd find something but not in my local area - so I'd have to give up my career (at that point at a crucial time), sell my house, etc...
I don't know if I can do it. Financial independence is extremely important to me and I have a really good job that's very secure and that I get satisfaction from.
I love this girl, and it's so perfect when we get to spend time together, but we've been long distance for almost 2 years now and our lives have definitely diverged.
Is that a deal you would accept?
I don't want to be one of those people that dies wishing I had spent less time in the office, but I am terrified of not being financially independent. During the crash I had a couple bad years and I went into a deep depression.
Absolutely positively for sure NOT!!!
Then if she changes her tune, cheats on you, breaks up with you, divorce you then what?
Will she pay you alimony if you were married? Oh that's right the judge will most likely tell you to "man-up" and get a job as she's "not allowed" to pay any man.
This is a big red flag and something I would not downplay.
I reworded that - not a deep depression per se, but definitely anxiety and stress that affected my relationships at the time. I worry that the version of myself without money would have a chip on his shoulder & become very bitter when arguments came up.
So we visited again and had some longs talks about the situation. She said she would be willing to move in with me (we'd get married) during the 1.5 to 2 years she has to finish her PhD dissertation.
She would then go on the job market and expect me to resign from my position if or when she found something and go with her. I kind of considered that an ultimatum.
It was definitely more conciliatory than any talks we've ever had before, since she was usually uncompromising in her career path. The odds are though, that she'd find something but not in my local area - so I'd have to give up my career (at that point at a crucial time), sell my house, etc...
I don't know if I can do it. Financial independence is extremely important to me and I have a really good job that's very secure and that I get satisfaction from.
I love this girl, and it's so perfect when we get to spend time together, but we've been long distance for almost 2 years now and our lives have definitely diverged.
Is that a deal you would accept?
I don't want to be one of those people that dies wishing I had spent less time in the office, but I am terrified of not being financially independent. During the crash I had a couple bad years and I was very anxious about money and it affected my relationships. I'm afraid that, whether I think this right now or not, if I couldn't find a decent job in a new location it would come out in arguments.
Your fears are well-founded, as I went through the same thing after the crash.
Thing is, if you're concerned about financial security and your career, she has every right to be, too. That's something my ex-SO never quite understood, him being a civil servant and all.
It really sounds like you're both moving in different directions. It sucks, but it seems that the writing is on the wall. I mentioned in your other thread that when people give up too much of themselves or their careers for the sake of love, that it usually ends up in resentment if they don't get a return on their investment. You spend more time at work than you do at home with your loved ones. Both of you deserve to be happy and successful in your careers, and if you can't do that together, you're better off parting ways.
A long time ago, I refused to move to an area to be with my ex because he lived hours away from any place where I could have expected to find a job that would have paid much above minimum wage. He had tried living in my area, but circumstances basically required that he move to be near his family in a very rural area. If he had been within an hour of a major city, I could have worked with that situation, but he wasn't. But, again, this wasn't about jobs but about family and doing what was best for his special-needs son.
However, you two both seem nuts to me - or just unnaturally rigid or drama fans or something. What do you do that you could never find jobs in the same general area of each other? Why are you automatically "giving up your career" if you follow her to go somewhere where she could put her PhD to use? I don't see why it's so either/or. What is it that you both do that you could never find reasonable jobs within a reasonable distance of each other? If you're both white-collar professionals, almost any major urban area should be able to provide you both with a reasonable income - yeah, it might not be the OPTIMAL job, but you would likely both be able to find acceptable jobs. If neither of you can see compromising on this, that doesn't bode well for other aspects of your relationship either.
People say they do not want to be married to their professions but go and do everything the opposite of what they say.
Have you explored other options or are you all just stuck in your ways with the mentality that you are throwing away things in order to keep others around?
Perhaps I just "don't get" the "I have to do this or nothing at all" outlook when it comes to making a living.
I reworded that - not a deep depression per se, but definitely anxiety and stress that affected my relationships at the time. I worry that the version of myself without money would have a chip on his shoulder & become very bitter when arguments came up.
... which is a very real concern considering that you work in academia.
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