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Honestly, even though he ran me down, at the end of the relationship, I just felt kind of bad for him. He has no concept of how to build a sustainably happy life. He really doesn't understand how happiness works.
He's in a relationship with a really good woman now, but he still doesn't know how to really create happiness for himself.
My ex is the same. Clueless when it comes to happiness, intimacy, empathy. Blames everyone else for his problems. He creates them.
This post was inspired by a comment JrzDefector made about one of her exes.
He was scared that his love for her would give her too much power.
I attract guys like this, guys who say things to me like "You're going to break my heart" or "You're going to wreck me". They then spend the relationship trying to one-up me at every turn, as if it's some sort of competition. They think I have ulterior motives, when that is the very last thing on my mind.
It's like a desperate scramble for power. But I am not trying to take their "power" away in the first place.
Is this just a matter of attracting very insecure men? Men with something to "prove" over a woman?
Or perhaps you attract people who aren't very honest with themselves enough to be honest with you?
People who are happy with themselves are usually honest with themselves.
People who are honest with themselves don't go out of their way to one-up others.
My feeling is these guys you meet talk the talk but don't want the walk. "You're going to break my heart." "You're going to wreck me." Perhaps a self-projection much? Another suave line?
Any guy who truly wants to be with you, doesn't find excuses not to. It's the ones who really don't that do. When someone loves you or at the very least, cares about you in a way they respect you, they look at the big picture and decide how well your lives mesh and work on building on what you have together instead of stepping on toes and thinking about only themselves.
Or perhaps you attract people who aren't very honest with themselves enough to be honest with you?
People who are happy with themselves are usually honest with themselves.
People who are honest with themselves don't go out of their way to one-up others.
My feeling is these guys you meet talk the talk but don't want the walk. "You're going to break my heart." "You're going to wreck me." Perhaps a self-projection much? Another suave line?
Any guy who truly wants to be with you, doesn't find excuses not to. It's the ones who really don't that do. When someone loves you or at the very least, cares about you in a way they respect you, they look at the big picture and decide how well your lives mesh and work on building on what you have together instead of stepping on toes and thinking about only themselves.
I never thought about it like that, but yes, I think what you said is right. They really don't walk the walk, but they can talk the talk all day. They're more about image than substance, and I end up feeling like more of a "fantasy girl" than a real person. It's like they don't want to actually deal with what it TAKES to have a happy, successful relationship, they just want to have the idea of one, and when it starts going south they take no responsibility for the demise. And then they add another victim story to their repertoire.
It's like they're looking to me to fill a void within them, when really they should be filling that void themselves. And, I shouldn't be agreeing to be with these guys in the first place, because they don't actually have anything real to offer me.
Maybe on some level I'm also emotionally unavailable. I wouldn't be attracting this type if I wasn't.
Right. So the question is, why am I attracting abnormal, immature guys?
Come to think of it, my father was exactly this way. Paging Dr. Freud...
Yeah, you maybe don't screen them out, because your dad is like that.
But you have to remember -- these guys are always looking. They don't get snapped up. So you will always encounter far more of them in the dating pool than in regular life. The trick is to screen them out early. You need to adjust your dating pool filter .
Yeah, you maybe don't screen them out, because your dad is like that.
But you have to remember -- these guys are always looking. They don't get snapped up. So you will always encounter far more of them in the dating pool than in regular life. The trick is to screen them out early. You need to adjust your dating pool filter .
I do! I think I get pulled in by the pity-play. When they act like a wounded puppy and tell me "You're going to hurt me", I jump into sympathy mode. But that has nothing to do with what they want for ME, it's all about THEM and THEIR issues. Maybe I don't think that men can actually be strong and providers, because my father was so weak and selfish.
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