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I am at wits end with my relationship. I have tried couples counseling, individual counseling, more patience, begging, throwing tantrums etc to once again gain the attention of my fiance of 4 years. I have such mixed emotions....once minute I feel I deserve his attention and other times I feel like I am being unreasonable for needing the attention. I am one of the most unselfish people you will ever meet, but when it comes to him, I am very selfish and I want the attention and affection he used to provide. I live in reality and I understand that things die down and aren't always going to be as passionate as they were in our first year but I feel completely rejected and neglected (unless it comes to being intimate, hes always ok with that). As a woman, I need more then just intimacy, maybe its just me, but I need to feel wanted, protected, loved, and I want to be a priority.
Things have recently spiraled down the drain more and more. Each day seems harder than the day before. I miss who I fell in love with immensely! He was so kind to me, had so much love to offer. The way he used to look at me was mesmerizing. He used to leave me notes and email me long letters to let me know how much he loves me......now - total opposite, when I wrote him letters he doesn't comment on them until I asked if he received it, he doesn't do anything extra besides the occasional routine "I love you". The only time I ever get physically touched is if he wants to be intimate or I ask for a back rub because my back is killing me.
We have went to couples counseling per his request. I resented him for mistreating my children (I have 3...none of which are biologically his - believe me, I get reminded constantly). He felt he was parenting, I felt he was lashing out at them. He never abused them physically but the only attention they received from him was, "do the dishes", "take out the trash", "why did you leave your book bag in the living room?...pick it up"...that kind of stuff. I get he isn't the biological father but I told him they needed positive attention from him. He felt he had to put his foot down all the time and be the "bad guy" because I was not doing it. I told him that I felt like I had to show the children extra love and attention to balance the negative they were getting from him. The Therapist agreed and he finally showed more effort to connect with the children. He's doing much better with them but I can tell he's just doing it to keep me from complaining. He said that he will never feel about the children the way I do. He just cant connect. It breaks my heart but I deal with it. Some days I feel selfish for wanting him to love my children because he is doing the best he can. Why isnt it good enough for me?
He does a little acting on the side. At first I was super supportive and cheered him on. I was his biggest fan. Now I find myself resenting the acting thing because all the passion, drive, enthusiasm, attention that used to go to me, now goes to acting and I get nothing. We had a discussion a few days ago and I asked him "If it came down to having to choose between me or acting, what would you choose"? He chose acting. Then lashed out at me for even considering giving him an ultimatum. Then of course I felt bad for asking, I felt bad because now I know where I stand. I am sad....extremely sad.
I go to work full time and go to school full time as well. He makes sure the children are fed, bathed and homework completed. He says things have changed since I've started school. That I've become bitter and hard to get along with because I am always stressed out. You know what....I have become bitter, I am angry. I work my tail off at work for 8 hours, I go to school and stand on my feet for another 6 hours and come home and do what I need to do at home. As soon as I get home, he disappears into the bedroom. I tend to the children and house chores while he plays video games. I am tired. I am angry because he doesn't even ask if I need help with anything. He feels he has done enough while I was at school. They are my children so its my own fault I have these responsibilities.
I just don't have an answer. I feel so alone. Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much? Thanks for listening....sometimes you just have to vent.
I am at wits end with my relationship. I have tried couples counseling, individual counseling, more patience, begging, throwing tantrums etc to once again gain the attention of my fiance of 4 years. I have such mixed emotions....once minute I feel I deserve his attention and other times I feel like I am being unreasonable for needing the attention. I am one of the most unselfish people you will ever meet, but when it comes to him, I am very selfish and I want the attention and affection he used to provide. I live in reality and I understand that things die down and aren't always going to be as passionate as they were in our first year but I feel completely rejected and neglected (unless it comes to being intimate, hes always ok with that). As a woman, I need more then just intimacy, maybe its just me, but I need to feel wanted, protected, loved, and I want to be a priority.
Things have recently spiraled down the drain more and more. Each day seems harder than the day before. I miss who I fell in love with immensely! He was so kind to me, had so much love to offer. The way he used to look at me was mesmerizing. He used to leave me notes and email me long letters to let me know how much he loves me......now - total opposite, when I wrote him letters he doesn't comment on them until I asked if he received it, he doesn't do anything extra besides the occasional routine "I love you". The only time I ever get physically touched is if he wants to be intimate or I ask for a back rub because my back is killing me.
We have went to couples counseling per his request. I resented him for mistreating my children (I have 3...none of which are biologically his - believe me, I get reminded constantly). He felt he was parenting, I felt he was lashing out at them. He never abused them physically but the only attention they received from him was, "do the dishes", "take out the trash", "why did you leave your book bag in the living room?...pick it up"...that kind of stuff. I get he isn't the biological father but I told him they needed positive attention from him. He felt he had to put his foot down all the time and be the "bad guy" because I was not doing it. I told him that I felt like I had to show the children extra love and attention to balance the negative they were getting from him. The Therapist agreed and he finally showed more effort to connect with the children. He's doing much better with them but I can tell he's just doing it to keep me from complaining. He said that he will never feel about the children the way I do. He just cant connect. It breaks my heart but I deal with it. Some days I feel selfish for wanting him to love my children because he is doing the best he can. Why isnt it good enough for me?
He does a little acting on the side. At first I was super supportive and cheered him on. I was his biggest fan. Now I find myself resenting the acting thing because all the passion, drive, enthusiasm, attention that used to go to me, now goes to acting and I get nothing. We had a discussion a few days ago and I asked him "If it came down to having to choose between me or acting, what would you choose"? He chose acting. Then lashed out at me for even considering giving him an ultimatum. Then of course I felt bad for asking, I felt bad because now I know where I stand. I am sad....extremely sad.
I go to work full time and go to school full time as well. He makes sure the children are fed, bathed and homework completed. He says things have changed since I've started school. That I've become bitter and hard to get along with because I am always stressed out. You know what....I have become bitter, I am angry. I work my tail off at work for 8 hours, I go to school and stand on my feet for another 6 hours and come home and do what I need to do at home. As soon as I get home, he disappears into the bedroom. I tend to the children and house chores while he plays video games. I am tired. I am angry because he doesn't even ask if I need help with anything. He feels he has done enough while I was at school. They are my children so its my own fault I have these responsibilities.
I just don't have an answer. I feel so alone. Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much? Thanks for listening....sometimes you just have to vent.
Well, they are not his children and you cannot force a connection. He may never feel the way you do about your kids. You are correct, they are your responsibility.
However, you are under no obligation to be with a man who does not show affection and/or abuses your children. That is not okay. When he decided to be with you, children and all, he agreed to the responsibilities and duties of a parent. If you feel like he regrets this, or does not truly understand what being a parent is, then do yourself a favour and walk away. Having your children feel rejected and unwanted by your partner is unacceptable.
Furthermore, the issues of your relationship are like any other. You're both busy individuals, with responsibilities and commitments, and it is easy to lose that intimacy amongst the never-ending hustle and bustle. That is normal. You must make a conscious effort, on both your behalves, to find time for one another. It is very important to keep those lines of communication open. Everyone gets stressed out and lashes out -- fact of life -- but it is the ability to be self-aware, understand why you're doing what you're doing and acting accordingly, that shows maturity. If you're being grumpy and upset because of his lack of attention, while he is steering clear from you because of your bad attitude, then there needs to be a discussion of where you can help one another overcome those issues. He is not a mind reader; he cannot know when you're feeling dejected or disconnected from him, you must let him know.
This might be all nonsensical gibberish I'm giving you, but if you're going to take anything away from this, let it be that you need to speak to him. An honest, open discussion about what you're both feeling. If talking and communicating your grievances does not work, or take you in the right direction, then perhaps it is time to look at other options: i.e. separation.
But, first and foremost, make sure you're doing what is best for you, and your children. Then worry about relationship drama.
Why do you stay in this relationship? What are the positives in it?
Because reality is harsh. The OP has three kids from a prior relationship. I'm not saying she should just settle and be okay with being miserable but I'm sure she knows finding a man in her situation is tough.
Because reality is harsh. The OP has three kids from a prior relationship. I'm not saying she should just settle and be okay with being miserable but I'm sure she knows finding a man in her situation is tough.
They are 3 older children (13, 13 and 8)....3 very good children might I add (no bias there )
I have been in prior relationships with the OP not being the biological father and they have treated my children like gold and had that connection. My stepfather took in my older sister and I and is an amazing dad to us. I know its possible and I know there are people out there that are willing to be an outstanding participant. My SO is the only one I've ever had an issue with being genuinely kind to my children. Some people just aren't cut out for an already made family, and that's ok. As some of the other posters have mentioned, He will never love my children the way I do and I COMPLETELY understand and accept that. He doesn't mistreat them but we are all awkward together if that makes sense? He's 35 and I'm 29 (not that it matters) I thought it would work great. I was convinced, he convinced me. I was discussing with him about two days ago about how stressed I was about distributing my time between him and the children (he never wants to do things together) and he gets mad when I bring them shopping with us because he wants "time with just me"....he says "I read in an article recently that scientists have proven that kids do not need attention like they originally thought they did". Wow, just wow.
I found a journal last night while cleaning and curiosity got the best of me. I think I got a bit of honest clarity where I stand with him. While he described his ex to be patient, kind and forgiving I got half of a page describing me as "just another cast character in my life". I know what I need to do. Logistically its hard. Although we are not married, I stupidly put his name on the deed to my house when I bought it. Haha, I bought my own $3k engagement ring . Well, I thought he was going to make the payments......nonetheless, I have a crap ton of stuff to sort out. Let the fun begin
Last edited by Jasmin585; 04-09-2015 at 04:40 AM..
Well, they are not his children and you cannot force a connection. He may never feel the way you do about your kids. You are correct, they are your responsibility.
However, you are under no obligation to be with a man who does not show affection and/or abuses your children. That is not okay. When he decided to be with you, children and all, he agreed to the responsibilities and duties of a parent. If you feel like he regrets this, or does not truly understand what being a parent is, then do yourself a favour and walk away. Having your children feel rejected and unwanted by your partner is unacceptable.
Furthermore, the issues of your relationship are like any other. You're both busy individuals, with responsibilities and commitments, and it is easy to lose that intimacy amongst the never-ending hustle and bustle. That is normal. You must make a conscious effort, on both your behalves, to find time for one another. It is very important to keep those lines of communication open. Everyone gets stressed out and lashes out -- fact of life -- but it is the ability to be self-aware, understand why you're doing what you're doing and acting accordingly, that shows maturity. If you're being grumpy and upset because of his lack of attention, while he is steering clear from you because of your bad attitude, then there needs to be a discussion of where you can help one another overcome those issues. He is not a mind reader; he cannot know when you're feeling dejected or disconnected from him, you must let him know.
This might be all nonsensical gibberish I'm giving you, but if you're going to take anything away from this, let it be that you need to speak to him. An honest, open discussion about what you're both feeling. If talking and communicating your grievances does not work, or take you in the right direction, then perhaps it is time to look at other options: i.e. separation.
But, first and foremost, make sure you're doing what is best for you, and your children. Then worry about relationship drama.
Thank you Ashley. What you said definitely makes sense. I have spoken to him, begged, pleaded etc and still nothing. We try to keep an open line of communication. I have adjusted myself a lot for this person to try and make him happy. Communication was one of them. I was always the type to keep things in and pretend they didnt bother me....I would blow occasionally (every 8 months or so) and then be fine again. He harped on communicating and letting things out....well, I think he created a monster because now I am constantly trying to talk to him and he shuts me out (most of the time he walks around with earbuds in )
Read your posts like they were written by someone else. What would you tell that person to do?
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)
. Well, I thought he was going to make the payments......nonetheless, I have a crap ton of stuff to sort out. Let the fun begin 
)
