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I am new to this so, bare with me. I am currently in a relationship with a man who is married. We see each other almost every day and have been seeing each other for over a year now. On the days that we don't see each other we do speak several times a day and sometimes for hours without running out of things to chat about. He does speak alot about our future together and his future plans with me, etc. I never have to ask where I stand. I do believe he is sincere when he tells me that he loves me. He has met my entire family through his own insistance - I am not pushy nor did I ever push that upon him. My whole family thinks he's in the process of getting divorced- they have no idea he isn't even separated yet and as you can imagine that in itself is quite stressful to me. He has two children which I have met and according to him, his children are the only reason why he's trying to do this the right way. This past November when he came back from some training out of state (we spoke every day while he was away - he asked me to give him a wake up call, he'd call me on his way home from school and later in the evening we'd speak again for hours) Anyway, he told me he was going to "break the news" to his wife when he got back from school and ask for a divorce but, later decided that it would be best to wait until after the holidays. He spent Thanksgiving Day with me and my family, Christmas Eve and Christmas day, with his wife and children. I spoke to him on Christmas Eve and he had me pass the phone along to everyone at the table to with them a Merry Christmas, etc. Either he's a very good actor or geniune. My entire family is very fond of him. On another note, if you're wondering how he gets away with spending a holiday like Thanksgiving with me it's because he works for the govt and travels frequently, i.e., I'm sure he was "called out of town for work" on Thanksgiving day as he will be on New Years Eve - we have plans to spend New Years Eve and start our New Year together then. Anyway, he also has several items at my home but, not a full wardrobe. He is stashing cash at my home as well and took his firearms out of his home and keeping them here as well. His mother is currently living at his home with the wife and kids as well. First, she was just visiting from out of the country and her visit was prolonged as she became ill but, now, she's supposed to be going back to her country in late January and he's supposed to be breaking the news and moving in with me then. My question is, should I be concerned that after the holidays there may be yet another reason for him not to break the news? Am I setting myself up yet again for another screwy relationship or should I be patient and wait? I have never had the best luck in the love department in fact I was in a relationship/married to my last guy for 10 years. I really feel like this guy and I really click, we have alot in common, he encourages me to better myself and go back to school, he was also shocked that I was not contributing to my 401K at work (my ex husband always said why would I need to do that if I had him...) anyway, my new beau and I have the same family values and beliefs but, I don't know whether I should move on or give him the benefit of the doubt and wait? I am not getting any younger, I am 37, have no children and I just bought a home this past July- it's not like I need him or any other man to help me - I'm very independnet. He does often mention that he wants another child and speaks of it often but, I don't know what to do and days like this are extremely tough. I see all these families with their children, etc. and I'm home alone. I tried to be as descriptive as possible about the situation because it is indeed a very unique situation. I just don't know how much longer I can take of this unique situation. I often times feel like - if he lies to his wife now, who's to say he won't do the same to me? He did lie to me in the beginning by telling me he was separated and lived by himself at an apartment close to his children's home but, it wasn't until I started asking him why did he shut his phone off on Saturday nights and never reachable that he fessed up and told me the entire truth. When I asked why he lied to me about it for so long he said he didn't want to lose me. It seems like the whole relationship is based on lies at times but, I just don't want to give everything up because I never have been so in synch with someone and I cannot honestly believe that someone would be so dishonest as to meet my entire family upon their own insistence knowing that I have not exactly had a wonderful track history with the family - I'm the middle child and always rebellious etc... He also introduced his kids to my family at one of my nieces b-day party this passed December. Could this be a charade? If he just wanted sex he can get it anywhere - he does travel all over the world but, then again, he does work for the govt and most govt employees are trained to act and lie. Someone please help and give me their insight. I just don't know what to think or feel and I do not want this to become another unhealthy relationship - I gained over 55 pounds when I was married and just now lost all that weight and almost in my high school jeans again. I do not want to revert back.
I'm sorry what are you asking? An opinion? Well it sounds like your doing some nice home-wrecking.
Whats the guy doing? Sounds like hes playing you very well.
Whats in store for you? probably nothing good.
and if things do work out.. that mans children are going to hate you with every ounce of energy they have, when they grow up and see how you have helped destroy the family they once knew and cherished so much.
Not sure what you are looking for. You say you don't want to be in an unhealthy relationship yet you are dating a married man. I think you are only fooling yourself.
This situation isn't strange at all ...it's classic.
My thoughts, exactly! Nothing strange or unique about this, unfortunately! This is a married man that has insinuated himself into every area of your life... worse, you have "allowed" him to. Yet, here he is with a complete other family, another life... all of his own... which you are not a part of.
Ask yourself this... do you really think you've been his "first" on the side? And, do you really think you'll be his last?
If someone else had written this and you were reading it, what would you say? Of course he's just leading you on. This doesn't mean that you don't click. This doesn't mean he isn't fond of you. This doesn't mean there isn't some truth in everything he's saying. It just means that he has a situation he likes (a wife/family and a mistress/lover) and there is no reason he's going to make any changes.
Also, someone who is living with all of these lies and deceptions is *not* someone you can trust in any long-term, meaningful way.
I would probably guess that he enjoys the game here. There's probably an adrenaline rush or something like that. Either he has some sort of serotonin imbalance (biological) or maybe there was something with his own parents, some deception he is modeling (environmental). Hard to know.
I think you know the answers to all of your questions - you said it all in your original post.
I think in some ways you are answering your own questions. Do you really trust a man who can bold faced lie not only to his wife but to his own children?? What keeps you from thinking that he is not lying to you?? He lied in the beginning and my gut states he is still lying about things. How could you in good conscious allow this man to be introduced to your family?? What about his children, he has even lied to them and you have even taken part in these lies. What do these children tell their mother?? They are now being taught how to lie or at least not say anything.
I hate to say this but I have been on the opposite side of this story and it doesn't have a happy ending for anyone involved. If he wanted to leave he would have done it already. This I'm staying for the children, then he takes them with you places?? He feels no guilt for anything!! If you decide to stay this course all I can say is what goes around comes around. Don't expect this man to change his ways, he is what he is... a cheater, a lier and is even dishonest with his children. Nothing is sacred with this man.
Stop fooling yourself into believing that he will be with you and will be different with you. Find your sense of self, you deserve better than this man. You may be independent in self (don't need a man to support you) but your not independent you need/want a man in your life, because if you were independent you would never accept what this man is doing to his family and to you.
Search your heart and I hope you know you are better than this !!!
IMO: I would pack up everything and have him pick it up and take it home. Your home is not his and never will be, take control of this situation. Do you really want children with this man?? To have him take your child to visit a friend (another woman)? Be logical and think about the fact that if he was with you, what would you be thinking when he said he had a last minute business trip?? Could you ever trust him??
Last edited by MagicTouch; 12-25-2007 at 07:39 PM..
Hmmm...another one of those first time posters commenting in the Relationships forum. These seem to never go anywhere but away.
If indeed this is a return type poster...your only setting yourself up for some bad I think. But regardless of what we say you'll just keep on keepin on. So best of luck to you. And don't say we didn't warn you!
Sirena, You seem to take great pride and solice in the fact that you all communicate and are able to steal some time here and here. Well, do you think he doesn't spend his nights in bed with his wife? Do you think she's not paying her bills with his paycheck? Do you think he's not going to her family's gatherings and meeting with their friends? The only thing that the relationship between you and he is accomplishing is to deny his family some of his time which they fully deserve. If he's not giving 100% to his family because of his relationship with you, then the label above of homewrecker is deserving.
Don't allow yourself to be played. Don't allow yourself to be a convenient excuse for a man to end his marriage. Don't allow yourself to take seconds to others. Don't allow your pride to drop to such a low where one day you'll have to face his kids as well as your own family with the truth - it will come out.
I can tell from your post though that you fully believe he loves you, you love him, and you see a future between the two of you. I don't think anything that people say here will change your mind. You're wanting to have folks convince you that the nagging doubts aren't reasonable - well, they are.
I agree with the above advice. Send him packing. Tell him to go home and work on his marriage. In the meantime, find yourself a healthy relationship with a fully available and honest man. In the meantime, if he gives of himself to his marriage and tries honestly to save it, but ends up single one day - then he can come a callin'. Hopefully, you'll be married by then though to a man that deserves to be loved. JMO
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