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My girlfriend and I have one child already, and we've been together for about 5-6 years (on and off a couple of times). I have 2 children from a prior long term relationship. Recently over the past couple of years she has been repeatedly bring up marriage and having more children. Within the last few month, the child debate has come up several times weekly, and I have strongly expressed my opposition to having more children that we both can not afford.
A few hours ago, she tells me that she's pregnant. When I press her on how, he tells me that she stopped taking her birth control, and claims she informed me of this when she stated back in July that she "needed to make an appointment to get more in August." I did ask her if she was still taking it, and she did tell me she needed to get more, but stated she still had some and has been taking it.
Now that I think back, she's been gaining a lot of weight over the past 2-3 months, but she claimed it was because of her diabetes. She wanted a child, but I refused. She wanted a child to the point that we discussed breaking up, so she could move on and have one with someone else. She now tells me she's pregnant, and tries to tell me she did not lie about the birth control. She has a masters degree and is not stupid. I'm not stupid. It makes no logical sense that she would believe that I would have unprotected sex with her knowing that she was off birth control and knowing I didn't want more children. I feel like she planned this, lied about it, and now to add insult on top of injury, is trying to cover up her lie by putting it all on me.
How would you all handle this situation? Need advice...
One thing I have to ask. Was birth control all on her? Even if she's out of pills, were you not wearing a condom?
Nothing is 100% but, at the least, doubling up on birth control can really help-or having a back-up should a woman be lying abut it. So, if you never used condoms, you are a bit to blame for not taking that precaution when being dead-set against kids. Or better yet, getting a vasectomy if you're sure you don't need anymore, and genuinely don't want anymore.
Last edited by HappyRain; 09-02-2014 at 10:43 PM..
I don't really have any advice. Usually when people get pregnant while on birth control it's because birth control does not always work, even if you take it perfectly. But it sounds like she says she was not even taking it.
I am sorry. I think in your shoes i would be looking at how to separate from her in the way that is best for the kids. I can't handle people who lie and manipulate.
FYI, this forum is mainly for misogyny, so you should expect to read a lot of extremist responses about how all women do this, etc., etc. I trust you have enough IRL experience with relationships to know that is not true.
One thing I have to ask. Was birth control all on her? Even if she's out of pills, were you not wearing a condom?
Nothing is 100% but, at the least, doubling up on birth control can really help-or having a back-up should a woman be lying abut it. So, if you never used condoms, you are a bit to blame for not taking that precaution when being dead-set against kids.
This. If you had the slightest doubt, you should have started using your own bc. So now you know you're with a woman who doesn't give a fig about your opinion and your priorities and concerns.
One thing I have to ask. Was birth control all on her? Even if she's out of pills, were you not wearing a condom?
Nothing is 100% but, at the least, doubling up on birth control can really help-or having a back-up should a woman be lying abut it. So, if you never used condoms, you are a bit to blame for not taking that precaution when being dead-set against kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
This. If you had the slightest doubt, you should have started using your own bc. So now you know you're with a woman who doesn't give a fig about your opinion and your priorities and concerns.
It was all on her because it was understood between us that it would be all on her. That her use of birth control would be the precaution we (two people in a long term committed relationship) would use against having another child. If she have had gotten pregnant while on birth control, I wouldn't be posting here, and I would not be upset at her. There was no doubt on my part that she was not on it.
Then sorry no sympathy for you. Condoms are a very safe thing, I would recommend them to any guy who doesn't want kids. There's also vasectomy which for you is recommended.
Let this be your lesson. There's no stopping a woman inflicted with the baby rabies.
So, you're stuck with the new kid. Prevent more. Go get a vasectomy. And don't tell her until after you've done so. Or better yet, don't tell her at all.
I don't think it is realistic to say that, after 5 years together he should have suddenly started using condoms with no discussion.
I assume that if he thought she had stopped taking the bc, he would have brought up the topic. Is that unreasonable to assume?
No, but he could've started using them when he decided he didn't want more kids.
Better yet, the moment he decided he didn't need more kids, a vasectomy would've been smart. Because when she started in with wanting more kids, then it was risky to tell her "I don't want more, and you're in charge of making sure we don't get any."
Both should've been thinking of leaving when they clearly have mis-matched wants. There's no compromise for one party who wants kids, and one who doesn't. So, separating before this happened would've been best, but it's too late for that now.
So, it's not all on him. She lied, and was wrong for this. But he is responsible as well. There are things he could have done to help prevent this situation, that for some reason, he didn't want to do.
1. Leaving, because there's no getting around kids. Someone had to make a huge sacrifice there.
2. Condoms or Vasectomy
But since the deed is done, there's some choices.
1. Stay, mend their relationship and possible trust issues while raising their children.
2. Raising their children, but realizing that maybe they need to bow out from the relationship
3. If the relationship is very important to both, go to some couples' counselling while trying to work this out
4. Put the baby up for adoption, which I doubt she'll do.
But those are all I can think of. It's up to them as a couple what would be best.
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