Being spontaneous with someone you never met? Or is it more inconsideration? (dating, girls)
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Question I am asking myself now. I started talking to a guy on an app a couple of weeks ago. We hit it off via chat. I'm new to the area so I have been selective in who I meet up with, due to COVID. After the first week of chatting, that Saturday morning he reached out to me to see if I wanted to grab coffee within that hour. It was spontaneous in his mind, but the thing is I was fully booked and already driving to Miami which is an hour away. I told him I couldn't as I was already out of town, but that next weekend I would be around and we could coordinate something then. He agreed to it.
We didn't talk until this past Thursday. I reached out to him to see if he still wanted to meet up this weekend. He said sure, that aside from a couple of dinners, he was pretty open. I informed him that I wasn't sure yet which day, but I was planning on going to a beach town some distance away either Saturday or Sunday, dependent on which day we met, but aside from that I was open. He didn't respond to that at all.
So Friday morning I reached out to him again to see if he preferred to meet up Saturday or Sunday, that way I could plan which day I could go to the beach town. All of Friday, I hear nothing from him. So I just assumed that he flaked and I decided that if I didn't hear by EOD I would continue with my plan to go to the beach town (about a 40 minute drive).
Well, Saturday morning I left early to the beach town, and midday, like around 11am I get a text from him, saying that if I wanted to meet up with him in the next 30 minutes to go on a hike. I told him I couldn't that I was at the beach town I had told him I was planning on going to. He apologized and told me he was just trying to be spontaneous, that he doesn't like to plan things out.
IMO it didn't feel like spontaneous, it feels more like inconsideration. Was he expecting me to sit at home all day waiting for him to solidify a time? I like being spontaneous too, but I am spontaneous with people I already know well. Not with people I haven't even met yet. I feel like when you are first meeting someone, you have to set a concrete time and date, and then if you want to be spontaneous while on the date go for it.
I told him there was no need to apologize. I mean technically he didn't do anything wrong. I told him I understand for his need to be spontaneous, but when I don't have anything concrete set with someone I carry on with my plans and do my own thing, which is what I did.
After that looks like now he is ignoring me and not responding.
Do you take what he did as spontaneous or as inconsiderate?
Question I am asking myself now. I started talking to a guy on an app a couple of weeks ago. We hit it off via chat. I'm new to the area so I have been selective in who I meet up with, due to COVID. After the first week of chatting, that Saturday morning he reached out to me to see if I wanted to grab coffee within that hour. It was spontaneous in his mind, but the thing is I was fully booked and already driving to Miami which is an hour away. I told him I couldn't as I was already out of town, but that next weekend I would be around and we could coordinate something then. He agreed to it.
We didn't talk until this past Thursday. I reached out to him to see if he still wanted to meet up this weekend. He said sure, that aside from a couple of dinners, he was pretty open. I informed him that I wasn't sure yet which day, but I was planning on going to a beach town some distance away either Saturday or Sunday, dependent on which day we met, but aside from that I was open. He didn't respond to that at all.
So Friday morning I reached out to him again to see if he preferred to meet up Saturday or Sunday, that way I could plan which day I could go to the beach town. All of Friday, I hear nothing from him. So I just assumed that he flaked and I decided that if I didn't hear by EOD I would continue with my plan to go to the beach town (about a 40 minute drive).
Well, Saturday morning I left early to the beach town, and midday, like around 11am I get a text from him, saying that if I wanted to meet up with him in the next 30 minutes to go on a hike. I told him I couldn't that I was at the beach town I had told him I was planning on going to. He apologized and told me he was just trying to be spontaneous, that he doesn't like to plan things out.
IMO it didn't feel like spontaneous, it feels more like inconsideration. Was he expecting me to sit at home all day waiting for him to solidify a time? I like being spontaneous too, but I am spontaneous with people I already know well. Not with people I haven't even met yet. I feel like when you are first meeting someone, you have to set a concrete time and date, and then if you want to be spontaneous while on the date go for it.
I told him there was no need to apologize. I mean technically he didn't do anything wrong. I told him I understand for his need to be spontaneous, but when I don't have anything concrete set with someone I carry on with my plans and do my own thing, which is what I did.
After that looks like now he is ignoring me and not responding.
Do you take what he did as spontaneous or as inconsiderate?
His better plans fell through and you were his - back up plan.
He didn't set anything up with you because he wanted to leave his options open. Then he expected you to drop everything and meet him in 30 minutes?? No...
Drop him and move on. He's just playing around with many girls.
That being said, if this is his habitual behavior (and from what you wrote, no doubt that it is), being with him would get old quickly. There's spontaneity, then there's someone who never makes plans and expects others to jump to it whenever he's ready to do something.
If he's ignoring you, it seems as though he weeded himself out of your consideration, which might not be a bad thing depending upon what you're looking for through dating, i.e., "fun" versus "serious relationship."
Seems to me that planning isn't important to him but it is to you. While you said there was no need for him to apologize, it does sound as though you have a problem with how he handled things.
Maybe next time, if planning ahead is important to you, why don't you just go ahead and lock in the time and place instead of waiting for him to do something that goes against his nature?
Seems to me that planning isn't important to him but it is to you. While you said there was no need for him to apologize, it does sound as though you have a problem with how he handled things.
Maybe next time, if planning ahead is important to you, why don't you just go ahead and lock in the time and place instead of waiting for him to do something that goes against his nature?
I did try to lock something down. You must have missed the part where I asked him if he would prefer Saturday or Sunday, which he didn't respond for a day to that, and then the morning of Saturday responds to that asking if I want to hang to meet up in the next 30 minutes.
There is no need to apologize for being spontaneous. You can be spontaneous all you want. But if you are going to be like that, you can't expect people to drop what they are doing to meet up with you.
For me the inconsideration part comes in the form that I mentioned to him I was planning on going to that beach town one of those two days, so I was adjusting my plans on which day I went dependent on which day him and I were to meet.
That being said, if this is his habitual behavior (and from what you wrote, no doubt that it is), being with him would get old quickly. There's spontaneity, then there's someone who never makes plans and expects others to jump to it whenever he's ready to do something.
If he's ignoring you, it seems as though he weeded himself out of your consideration, which might not be a bad thing depending upon what you're looking for through dating, i.e., "fun" versus "serious relationship."
Totally agree. I am not reaching out anymore. It's just sometimes I take a step back and really have to say to people like him in my mind "Well what the heck did you expect?"
His better plans fell through and you were his - back up plan.
He didn't set anything up with you because he wanted to leave his options open. Then he expected you to drop everything and meet him in 30 minutes?? No...
Drop him and move on. He's just playing around with many girls.
Possibly. I won't reach out anymore though. Not worth the energy. I just think it surprises me that people think this way.
I did try to lock something down. You must have missed the part where I asked him if he would prefer Saturday or Sunday, which he didn't respond for a day to that, and then the morning of Saturday responds to that asking if I want to hang to meet up in the next 30 minutes.
There is no need to apologize for being spontaneous. You can be spontaneous all you want. But if you are going to be like that, you can't expect people to drop what they are doing to meet up with you.
For me the inconsideration part comes in the form that I mentioned to him I was planning on going to that beach town one of those two days, so I was adjusting my plans on which day I went dependent on which day him and I were to meet.
He had already told you he was free except at dinner time, so why not just say “Are you free at 1pm on Saturday for a hike?” Instead, you were still trying to narrow it down and expecting a response. You know when you are free and when he is free, so pick a time that works for both of you. If he doesn’t respond, then you have your answer.
He had already told you he was free except at dinner time, so why not just say “Are you free at 1pm on Saturday for a hike?” Instead, you were still trying to narrow it down and expecting a response. You know when you are free and when he is free, so pick a time that works for both of you. If he doesn’t respond, then you have your answer.
What difference does it make if I attach a time to it if I can't even get him to pick a day?
It's not like that would have worked anyway. His own words were that he doesn't like to make plans, likes to be spontaneous. Which means, if I said "Saturday 1pm?" I probably would have gotten the same response that I already did.
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