To married people: what is something you wish you had known before you married? (date, how to)
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Looking back, what is something you have learned since getting married that you wish you knew beforehand? Positive or negative. Also, what is one piece of advice that you would give to engaged couples or people seriously considering engagement?
My advise: live together before you marry. Listen to your friends and family if you are too stupid to see possible red flags.
I have always been personally against doing this, at least for myself personally. Not for moral reasons, but because of all the studies I've heard about saying that cohabitation increases the risk of divorce and also because I always felt like doing so would make marriage feel like "been there done that" instead of a true next step. I'm open-minded to other opinions though, why do you think it's a wise idea?
I'm not married any longer, but my advice would be to listen to your gut. I had some major hesitations, but I brushed them off as cold feet/being nervous. I should have listened. I think it should feel right. If I get married again I want to marry my best friend. Having someone you can count on to be supportive and there for you no matter what is the most important thing in a marriage in my opinion.
I'm not married any longer, but my advice would be to listen to your gut. I had some major hesitations, but I brushed them off as cold feet/being nervous. I should have listened. I think it should feel right. If I get married again I want to marry my best friend. Having someone you can count on to be supportive and there for you no matter what is the most important thing in a marriage in my opinion.
It felt right to me ten years ago, and here I am halfway through the divorce process.
I wish I knew my now ex-husband was a closeted gay man.
I am hoping with more acceptance of gays, gay marriage and the like that gay people will feel free to be themselves and won't feel the need to hide in a heterosexual relationship anymore and cause this kind of pain. I guess my lesson learned is let those red flags warn you (because there were some and I was so in love that I ignored them).
But going back to the spirit of the question and to add to what others have said so far, my advice would be to take a pre-marriage class where they teach you things like the ups and downs of marriage, the realities of marriage (beyond the honeymoon phase), and how to resolve conflict. I know it seems pretty basic, but you'd be amazed how many people don't have basic skills like this. When you are single and someone makes you mad, you can walk away from them and cool down... married, you can't do that, you are still living with the person. So it become a key skill to learn. I know churches often have these kind of pre-marriage classes, but I am sure more secular places have them too.
I have always been personally against doing this, at least for myself personally. Not for moral reasons, but because of all the studies I've heard about saying that cohabitation increases the risk of divorce and also because I always felt like doing so would make marriage feel like "been there done that" instead of a true next step. I'm open-minded to other opinions though, why do you think it's a wise idea?
I have noticed when you look deeper at some of those studies, you often find that the people who divorced (or broke up) were the ones who moved in together not planning on getting married. Instead they did it because they would be closer together or to save money, but they never really thought about the future. Then they got married because it seemed like the next logical thing to do and/or because of outside pressure. In other words, they are couples that probably should not have gotten married in the first place.
Personally, I don't believe in living together before marriage. I can see though looking back where my husband may have been at an advantage having lived with a roommate for a number of years whereas I did have a full time job for awhile but was still living with my parents. I did live in an apartment alone for a bit in college but didn't really have any bills and wasn't employed during the school year so I didn't learn much about adult responsibilities although I did learn a little bit about doing things on my own. I think the finances and independence are major things to learn before marriage.
Also I totally agree with marrying your best friend or at least someone you truly enjoy spending time with, it being someone who is comfortable around your family and friends and you with theirs, and especially, go with your gut. I love my husband and would marry him again, but I can also see where there were things that bothered me beforehand and they are still there bothering me to this day. While someone can try, some things are just not going to change and you have to trust your instincts about how important they are.
[quote=sidburn;36809751]I have always been personally against doing this, at least for myself personally. Not for moral reasons, but because of all the studies I've heard about saying that cohabitation increases the risk of divorce and also because I always felt like doing so would make marriage feel like "been there done that" instead of a true next step. I'm open-minded to other opinions though, why do you think it's a wise idea?[/quote]
Because when you just date you always see the other person on their best behavior. When you actually live together, routine sets in, prepare you for how it is for the rest of your life. All these little flaws may show up, habits of the other person you may not able to accept in the long run. A person shows their TRUE self when you live with them for some time.
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