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A close friend shared some shocking information with me last week and I want to give her good advice but I'm stumped.
She has some bad health issues and has not worked for many years. They still have 3 school age children at home and her husband works out of town a great deal.
She has been suspicious for some time but he finally told her that he has been having an affair for over 2 years and is in love with the other woman. He says the Other Woman isn't married but has been living with somebody for years. They meet in hotels around the country.
He says that he doesn't know what he wants to do but loves the children. After he told her, he went on about his business like nothing happened!
She is devastated but not surprised as he has a history of cheating. She's now regretting this 20+ year marriage and feels like a fool but wonders how she can deal with a house and 3 children alone. Finances would be tight but doable.
What should she do? let him stay like a roommate kind of situation or divorce him and drag the kids thru the hell we all know divorce can be?
Any ideas? BTW there is very little affection or communication with the couple and probably little sex either with her medical issues. I didn't get into that with her.
She needs to divorce him. The stress will only make her health worse and kids do sense marriage trouble. Kids aren't stupid. My parents had a bad marriage and I wasn't an idiot. I could tell as early as 6 years old.
A close friend shared some shocking information with me last week and I want to give her good advice but I'm stumped.
She has some bad health issues and has not worked for many years. They still have 3 school age children at home and her husband works out of town a great deal.
She has been suspicious for some time but he finally told her that he has been having an affair for over 2 years and is in love with the other woman. He says the Other Woman isn't married but has been living with somebody for years. They meet in hotels around the country.
He says that he doesn't know what he wants to do but loves the children. After he told her, he went on about his business like nothing happened!
She is devastated but not surprised as he has a history of cheating. She's now regretting this 20+ year marriage and feels like a fool but wonders how she can deal with a house and 3 children alone. Finances would be tight but doable.
What should she do? let him stay like a roommate kind of situation or divorce him and drag the kids thru the hell we all know divorce can be?
Any ideas? BTW there is very little affection or communication with the couple and probably little sex either with her medical issues. I didn't get into that with her.
Well being married just because you have kids isnt good for the kids either..
Why women can't choose divorce when their spouse is cheating on them? Is beyond me.
If she dont divorce him I hope he divorces her.
A close friend shared some shocking information with me last week and I want to give her good advice but I'm stumped.
She has some bad health issues and has not worked for many years. They still have 3 school age children at home and her husband works out of town a great deal.
She has been suspicious for some time but he finally told her that he has been having an affair for over 2 years and is in love with the other woman. He says the Other Woman isn't married but has been living with somebody for years. They meet in hotels around the country.
He says that he doesn't know what he wants to do but loves the children. After he told her, he went on about his business like nothing happened!
She is devastated but not surprised as he has a history of cheating. She's now regretting this 20+ year marriage and feels like a fool but wonders how she can deal with a house and 3 children alone. Finances would be tight but doable.
What should she do? let him stay like a roommate kind of situation or divorce him and drag the kids thru the hell we all know divorce can be?
Any ideas? BTW there is very little affection or communication with the couple and probably little sex either with her medical issues. I didn't get into that with her.
That's a tough one. I would have a hard time staying in a marriage where there was no affection, and where I knew my spouse was sleeping with someone else, in love with someone else, and would continue to see them. Can she survive on her own? Are her medical issues such that she can't work? Would she really be okay knowing that he was sleeping with someone else, loved someone else, calling her at night, sending her roses on Valentine's day? Would she resent that he was using his money to go visit her, buy her gifts, help her out, instead of saving for the kids? Or would that slowly drive her mad? I also have to question whether this guy really intends to stick around. He may have told her this hoping she would ask for the divorce and he wouldn't have to feel like the bad guy. If she doesn't, he may leave her anyway. She should try to prepare (legally) for either outcome.
With divorce and the kids, it's such a tough one. On the one hand, of course a divorce is going to be rough on them. On the other, I'm not sure that growing up in a house with two parents who are "married" but don't love each other, don't visibly show affection, live like roommates and Daddy takes lots of trips to visit his special friend is any better. I have a friend who grew up in that house. They stayed together until she was 18, then got divorced. She was miserable in that house, knew they hated each other. Only one of the siblings ever married. The others are all skittish and commitment-phobic, understandably so. Now, this wouldn't necessarily be the outcome in your friend's case, but having heard my friend talk about it over the years (and she's done a lot of talking about it), I can't say for certain any more whether one scenario is really better than the other. Sometimes a divorce isn't the worst outcome.
My gut feeling is that the marriage is already over. They're not affectionate. They're not having sex. He doesn't love her. I don't read any indication that she loves him. He loves someone else and they're sleeping together. Might be better for everyone in the long run just to stick a fork in this one and cut their losses.
A close friend shared some shocking information with me last week and I want to give her good advice but I'm stumped.
She has some bad health issues and has not worked for many years. They still have 3 school age children at home and her husband works out of town a great deal.
She has been suspicious for some time but he finally told her that he has been having an affair for over 2 years and is in love with the other woman. He says the Other Woman isn't married but has been living with somebody for years. They meet in hotels around the country.
He says that he doesn't know what he wants to do but loves the children. After he told her, he went on about his business like nothing happened!
She is devastated but not surprised as he has a history of cheating. She's now regretting this 20+ year marriage and feels like a fool but wonders how she can deal with a house and 3 children alone. Finances would be tight but doable.
What should she do? let him stay like a roommate kind of situation or divorce him and drag the kids thru the hell we all know divorce can be?
Any ideas? BTW there is very little affection or communication with the couple and probably little sex either with her medical issues. I didn't get into that with her.
I think there are two sides of the story here. A couple doesn't have a 20+ year perfect marriage and then all of a sudden one says, oh by the way I have been cheating, then to go on like everything is normal......
"Once a cheater always a cheater"... "Once a player always a player"... I strongly believe that these two things are addictive to some men... even if sex is great with a spouse or companion, some men feel the need for the hunt/ the newbie "I might get caught" exitement. Of course there are those personalities that use multiple women to prove their "Manhood"... that they still got it... but yet they still feel empty and lonely.
I once had a "player" say to me... "if something happened to me.. I'm not sure who would care"... sad.. very sad
If neither person in a marriage does what it takes to keep the marriage alive and well, many times this is what happens. If she had health issues and couldn't work, then maybe she was prevented from doing other things also. That being the case, he still shouldn't have been fooling around with another woman. There are always two sides to every story, both are to blame for this happening. I doubt she will have any financial worries if she files for divorce, the courts will see to that.
I'm sorry for your friend. I lived in a loveless marriage for years and I could never tell anyone else to do the same. End it. For her own sanity, it has to end.
I am not sure I agree with the majority here. YOU stated there has been little affection between them and probably no sex (which is a good thing so she's safe from whatever he might have picked up). If he just went back to doing whatever, then he probably is not looking for a change in the situation - he likes having access to his kids and he obviously wants to keep seeing the mistress. While I can understand some people saying to kick him out, bash his head in, etc.; it may not be the best situation for her. Without details on how her health issues affect her every day life and whether the long term will see her less able to care for her children and in need of assistance, perhaps the best situation might be to allow him to stay - yes, I mean allow - with conditions. The conditions could be that he continue to support the family as he has and to continue to support her in exactly the same way as she is accustomed to - but perhaps to begin setting aside some money for her - her own retirement fund. And I would absolutely insist on an agreement in writing that he will agree to terms and that, should he decide to leave, or she decide she cannot continue the arrangement, then she will get whatever they agree upon, probably the house paid off, income for her without squabbling about it. This could be a "post-nuptial agreement" in contemplation of a divorce - a pre-separation agreement -- so that if the time should come, there is no fighting.
But that's how I would handle it given only the information provided.
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