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Having grown up around very effeminate and weak-willed men, I feel like I have a skewed sense of what men's needs are. One of the themes that keeps popping up in my dating life is men's desire to feel in control. They want to have control - need to have control - and this is a new concept for me...considering I've been dating pretty weak-willed men .
So my question is, do guys need that? To feel like they are calling the shots, either in dating or in relationships in general? Is it a big blow to a guy's ego if the woman is too assertive and doesn't let him dominate? Does he get resentful if a woman is stronger willed than he is?
I think this applies to both genders: people who feel the need to feel in control are not only insecure, they're probably in the wrong relationships.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949
I think this applies to both genders: people who feel the need to feel in control are not only insecure, they're probably in the wrong relationships.
Well in most relationships, there is a more dominant one and a less dominant one. Sometimes the man is dominant abd sometimes the woman is. Gay/bisexual men call it "top" and "bottom", whereas lesbians/bisexual women call it "pants" and "pumps". Lol.
uh yes...why do you think they all date or secretly wanna date underage spinner types?
Dolphins?
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weak, strong, control, blah blah blah. it's all subjective. call it what you like so that it suits your perspective or expectations, but best to "know thy self" rather than skew one's own reality for the sake of making the world more congruent to one's shortcomings. borderline personality disorder often results from delusional beliefs, then no surprise these types end up in dysfunctional relationships... again, and again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stava
Who's talking about borderline personality disorder?
I mentioned personality disorders in my post.
You're being awfully defensive, there, Doc. You're also dismissing the reality that some people - especially those who are extremely controlling - CAN have personality disorders. I mean, that's the whole point of this thread, I believe. We're not talking about people who have a harmless inclination to oversee, manage, or "take charge." Heck, no. We're talking about people who routinely railroad, dismiss, devalue, undermine, and negate anything anyone else says or believes. Ultimately, it's a form of abuse. The form of control we're talking about on this thread -or at least that I'm talking about and experienced for 22 years - is all-consuming. It's NOT normal. That's why I use the term "disorder."
Extremely controlling people can be women just as easily as they can be men. I've known LOTS of women who I would describe as being unusually or abnormally controlling. I don't imagine living with them is any more bearable than living with a controlling man. I'm sure NVplumber can attest to that.
The fact that I stayed in my marriage as long as I did (faithfully) says a GREAT DEAL about the strength of my character and moral compass. I know very well who I am. But I'll also mention the other victims of extremely controlling people: their kids. They suffer, as well. But I guess if those kids complain about their controlling parent, then they're all simply skewing their reality to their own shortcomings. They're "delusional," I suppose?
I think most women like a man to "take charge," btw. I certainly do. But there is a HUGE difference between "letting a man be a man" and feeling depleted by a man who's unbearably controlling. Attempting to draw any parallel between the two is absurd.
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 10-28-2014 at 02:25 PM..
The great irony is that the weakest men I've known had the greatest need for control.
Be careful that you don't confuse a willingness to compromise, as all relationships sometimes require both parties to do, with being weak-willed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stava
I agree with that, very weak men have a desperate need for control.
I do not equate compromising with weakness. I appreciate and value compromising in a relationship.
I'll qualify a little: men who PERCEIVE themselves as weak or lacking control in some area of their lives have a desperate, insatiable need for control in other areas of their lives.
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