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I don't have any issue with a woman taking her husband's name, people can do whatever they like. The issue I have is the OPs expectations that his girlfriend will acquiesce to his wishes. He has no respect for her desires, just like the whole pregnancy test, no respect for what she wants, it's all about HIM.
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Originally Posted by Cantabridgienne
Much like your thread on her wanting privacy at the doctor, her last name isn't your decision, nor do I think it's likely that she will take into consideration the opinion of the strangers on the internet whom you polled.
I don't read his posts as wanting control.
I see them as a young person who grew up with certain expectations about his future who now is going through the process of understanding just exactly what is involved in merging two lives, and that the other person has ideas and desires also. He assumed he would be part of the "pregnancy confirmation," probably not thinking about it as an actual doctor's appointment. He grew up assuming his future wife would be Mrs. Jared C, like a lot of guys, and now hears HER thoughts on that idea.
What we're witnessing is a young man dying to himself, to use that old biblical metaphor, and learning how to navigate conflict with someone he cares about very much. It's a process they BOTH have to take part in.
I'm as cynical as they come, but based on his responses i don't read "control freak" here.
Well, that's your opinion and one way to look at it.
To some, a name is important. To others, it is not. I grew up with a different last name than my mom (and she raised me largely as a single parent) so I personally don't see how a shared name strengthens that bond--we are extremely close. I don't share a name with my partner and never asked him what he thought of that. Our friends have figured out how to address Christmas cards to us, which is really the only time this sort of "what do we call ourselves" comes up.
But at the end of the day, none of this really matters to the OP and his girlfriend. As I said earlier, I doubt very much she will be swayed by the internet opinions he solicited on what she should legally call herself.
I understand what you're saying, and can see that, if its not important to you, then its not. But to some people, its important for everyone in their family to have the same last name.
Personally, if my wife had been adamant she did not want my last name then I think we would not have married. Not because of the name, but because it would show me she was not willing to give and take in the marriage.
How is that wanting to keep your last name showing she wasn't willing to give/take, though? That's showing she can give and you can take...........
I am keeping my maiden name. It doesn't mean I don't compromise, but that I am marrying someone who loves me enough to understand why my maiden name is important to me. It's not important to everyone and it's a personal choice. I do not think I am better for keeping my maiden name, but I am glad I have someone who respects me enough to understand its significance to me.
I had no idea that I "died as a person" ten months ago! And I had had gone by my maiden name for 37 years.
Don't get me wrong, changing documents and accounts and licenses and certifications is for sure annoying and time-consuming, But it's not especially difficult unless you are the type of person who can't keep paperwork organized. Once your name is changed on your account with Social Security, everything else is pretty easily done in most circumstances, especially if you keep a certified copy of your marriage certificate/license on hand to easily tie the two names. I was able to change almost everything from hundreds of miles away, even, living in a different state from my address of record on a military base.
But, no, changing the last name you legally use does not make you "dead as the person you have been known all your life. "
That may not have come out right. I was looking for some old school friends (female) on FB the other day. I have no idea how to contact some of my old female friends and classmates because they have married and I don't know their last name anymore. In this sense that person is gone.
That may not have come out right. I was looking for some old school friends (female) on FB the other day. I have no idea how to contact some of my old female friends and classmates because they have married and I don't know their last name anymore. In this sense that person is gone.
That's a shame, it really is, I've seen on FB that most people use both their maiden and married names for this exact reason.
I understand what you're saying, and can see that, if its not important to you, then its not. But to some people, its important for everyone in their family to have the same last name.
But then to me it seems logical that the one who wants this should change his name, not the one who does *not* want her name to change.
If I asked someoen to marry me and they wanted to keep their maiden name I would call off the marriage. That may seem stupid but its a deal breaker for me as I think a certain type of women wants to keep her maiden name and thats not the type of women or relationship I want.
When you're discussing what you're going to call your family, I think both people should decide what its going to be called, not just one person.
Is it the Smith Family, the Smith-Johnson Family, or the Johnson Family, personally I think both Smith and Johnson should decide that, not just Smith Or Johnson.
Do people really do that. And are families still known as the Smith family. I married young the first time and took my husbands name. I never even questioned it. I was older, wiser and more educated the second time but again I took my husbands name (kind of) with out question or discussion. I'm just not aware there is ever any discussion on what the family will be called unless the bride questions changing her name.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cantabridgienne
Well, that's your opinion and one way to look at it.
To some, a name is important. To others, it is not. I grew up with a different last name than my mom (and she raised me largely as a single parent) so I personally don't see how a shared name strengthens that bond--we are extremely close. I don't share a name with my partner and never asked him what he thought of that. Our friends have figured out how to address Christmas cards to us, which is really the only time this sort of "what do we call ourselves" comes up.
But at the end of the day, none of this really matters to the OP and his girlfriend. As I said earlier, I doubt very much she will be swayed by the internet opinions he solicited on what she should legally call herself.
With all the blended families, divorce, remarriage and out of wedlock children now days it doesn't seem like having different surnames is an issue at all.
If I asked someoen to marry me and they wanted to keep their maiden name I would call off the marriage. That may seem stupid but its a deal breaker for me as I think a certain type of women wants to keep her maiden name and thats not the type of women or relationship I want.
What certain type of woman is that?
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