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My brother just got engaged but his finance is a bit apprehensive about children. They have been together for 8 years. She gave several reasons such as her not being where she wants in life (career wise) and 1 biggie in particular- the fear of being alone. From her side of the family- mainly father and uncles, she has witnessed a lot of affairs and children out of wedlock. She has this fear of being left alone by my brother with all these kids (if they have any) and she not being independent enough to support herself in the event she is left alone. But my brother wants children and they talked about this before. All these fears are relatively new.
Some of you know how I am in my “cut it off at the knees” responses and so I thought I would get some your thoughts before I advised him. I personally feel it isn’t healthy for him to have to constantly remind and stroke her trust in that he wouldn't abandon her. People shouldn't get married only to constantly remind the other that they will stick around. I think it is a personal issue that she needs to resolve and should have thought about way before these 8 years together.
I don't want to put the wrong things in his head (such as postponing the marriage) so if you don't mind giving me your thoughts.
My husband and I had to undergo premarital counseling in order to be married in his church, and the first thing the pastor told us was to never let anyone come between us. Not our parents, not our friends, not our children. We've carried that lesson for many years, and I think it's important for committed couples to practice.
In short: Butt out. You don't know why she's insecure, especially after eight years with no ring, and the last thing either of them need before their marriage is a brother poisoning it. I could understand wariness that she cheats or has too much debt, but the intimate relationship between your brother and his fiancee is not really your business.
Last edited by JustJulia; 11-18-2014 at 06:34 AM..
I think you need to avoid advising him about his finance and her fears. Don't even touch it. There is always another dimension and you are likely unaware of the complexities. Don't meddle in this regard. IMO, if this is a "new" fear, I think she doesn't want to have children and is afraid to tell him after 8 years have gone by.
The only advise I think you should give your brother is that they should absolutely be on the same page regarding children before they walk down the aisle. Talk to him about it one time, and then let it go. If he ignores it, that's his mistake to make and it will cost him.
Is he asking for your advice specifically or just venting to you?
Especially in situations like these, if he marries her after you give your advice, it could come back to haunt you years later.
Brother: Post roast is kinda dry...
Sister-in-law: You're a jerk!
Brotehr: Yeah!? Well my family never liked you OR your pot roast and in fact my brother said..."Insert your well meaning advice here".
Sometimes just referring him to talk to a professional is safe (for you) advice.
My brother just got engaged but his finance is a bit apprehensive about children. They have been together for 8 years. She gave several reasons such as her not being where she wants in life (career wise) and 1 biggie in particular- the fear of being alone. From her side of the family- mainly father and uncles, she has witnessed a lot of affairs and children out of wedlock. She has this fear of being left alone by my brother with all these kids (if they have any) and she not being independent enough to support herself in the event she is left alone. But my brother wants children and they talked about this before. All these fears are relatively new.
Some of you know how I am in my “cut it off at the knees” responses and so I thought I would get some your thoughts before I advised him. I personally feel it isn’t healthy for him to have to constantly remind and stroke her trust in that he wouldn't abandon her. People shouldn't get married only to constantly remind the other that they will stick around. I think it is a personal issue that she needs to resolve and should have thought about way before these 8 years together.
I don't want to put the wrong things in his head (such as postponing the marriage) so if you don't mind giving me your thoughts.
Thanks
My thoughts are that you should leave your brother to tend to his relationship with his girlfriend and let them work things out between them without any outside influence.
What you personally feel is healthy for him is none of your business since it is his life, his choice and he is the one who has to live with those choices.
So keep your opinions to yourself so there are no wrong thoughts in his head and leave them to work it out.
I agree this is something the two of them need to work out, but I understand siblings being a safe place to vent and get advice about a relationship.
There must be a reason the girlfriend is insecure. A past relationship, issues from her childhood, something. You can't have a good relationship if you are always worrying the other person is going to leave you. Anyone could be left at any time and at any point in a relationship. I have a friend whose husband left her one night out of the blue. I asked her later and she swears they were happy and there were no warning signs. Just poof one day out of nowhere. It's a chance you take being in a relationship and you have to try to be happy enough within yourself that you know if the worst did happen you would be okay. Life goes on.
Are they planning to get married? Perhaps some pre-marital counseling might help them work through things?
Wow, I understand the "butt out"s but he is my blood brother and he came to me, not my mother, father, or any of the other 5 siblings.....I also understand it is early in the morning and some of you may not have had your coffee yet.
I can't just let this guy hanging. That is the easy way out. There has to be an alternative if I myself don't advise. And he wouldn't go see a counselor.
I agree this is something the two of them need to work out, but I understand siblings being a safe place to vent and get advice about a relationship.
There must be a reason the girlfriend is insecure. A past relationship, issues from her childhood, something. You can't have a good relationship if you are always worrying the other person is going to leave you. Anyone could be left at any time and at any point in a relationship. I have a friend whose husband left her one night out of the blue. I asked her later and she swears they were happy and there were no warning signs. Just poof one day out of nowhere. It's a chance you take being in a relationship and you have to try to be happy enough within yourself that you know if the worst did happen you would be okay. Life goes on.
Are they planning to get married? Perhaps some pre-marital counseling might help them work through things?
yes, he proposed a few months back but they had a convo this past weekend about kids and he feels disrespected as a man. For her to pond off her own families doings on to him is upsetting to him.
He feels that the excuse of her not being where she is career wise and not wanting to be alone is an excuse. He doesn't want to marry someone just for the sake of being married to a women that already doubts his loyalty based on her own father's past.
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