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Facts:
- Extremely long, complicated and delicate situation
- I'm an ENTP guy, 24, she's an ISFJ girl, 23, both from conservative asian families
- We met in university and both started our first job after we parted, both quite demanding jobs
- We met almost 5 years ago, lived together for 2 years before parting, and now try to call or Skype every day, and have met 7 times this year apart
When we got together, we were 18, both naive and had no idea what to do, I was insecure and demanding, she was patient and loving. After a while our clinginess levels sort of evened out, and we were very perfect and happy and promised to move together permanently some day.
She recently moved out with her brother to live closer to work. Over the past month she would disappear for an hour or two around dinner time (which never happened before), and she would say she's having dinner with her team after work. I keep finding inconsistencies in the things she tells me, panicking when I question them, blurry explanations that don't make sense, and photo proof that strongly suggests that she's going out with someone a lot. I've seen 2 photos of expenses calculations she took on her phone (we share a dropbox account for our trip photos). It looked just like a list of names and amounts, so at first I ignored them. One insomniac night I decided to look up the names of the places and found 3 nice restaurants/cafes that she definitely has been to days before these calculations, and the amounts are always amounts you'd be spending for 2 people. Looking closer, the calculations were done in the way like how 2 people were to split the bills. This may seem like what friends would do, but that's exactly what she did for us when we lived together. The photos she took those nights to show me (we always show each other) also looked like what 2 people would order, and when I asked what else the group ordered she replied "random stuff".
On one occasion she said she went to this cafe with her mom (days before appearing on a calculation), but at the same time her mom appeared in a Facebook post with her own friends. I understand that these photos could have been posted afterwards, but the photos and the times looked like it was live and updated during the gathering. Besides, who has lunch, tea and dinner, all within 4~5 hours? I never asked her mom about it, and probably never will involve family in this. After confronting her, she showed my screencaps of her suggesting this place to a manager, and that the calculations were done for this manager.
Once she called me after dinner, chatting for a while and said she'd have to work late, when I thought I heard a turning signal and what appeared to be her trying to hide it with coughing. I couldn't resist asking if she was in a car. She denied it and said she had to go. Minutes later she called again, saying that she didn't have to stay back anymore, and was in her car on her way back to her apartment. Weeks after, she brought this up again and explained that the sound I heard was her playing with a pen, but I'm not convinced because if it were true she would have said so that day, instead of stuttering and struggling to give a reasonable response.
I found all of those clues (and more) separately. Each time I found something I was 100% convinced she was lying, and more so every time. There are just too many signs for it to all be coincidence, and lots were photo evidence that suggested lying. Upset and angry, of course I confronted her every time I found clues, and of course she denied it all. We argued over and over, I tried to get over it hundreds of times. Once I got so angry I said that if she doesn't tell me the truth then we were done. It was in the morning, and she said because of what I said she was shivering all day and couldn't concentrate at work at all. All day she tried to show me proof through her phone, but nothing solid. At night she cried her eyes out and swore she didn't lie, and that she loves me and is committed to me. Last week she said she felt sick looking at the photos because they reminded her of our arguments, and deleted the ones that I confronted her about (I copied everything the week before so I still have them). She promises that she will move here to live with me.
So here I am, struggling on a daily basis on whether or not to trust her commitment and trust her actions, or to go with the signs I've found that suggest that she was lying and going out with someone. For the past month I have been hurt, confused, stressed, insomniac, and falling apart. I am much calmer now, but my mind still goes from 100% positive to 100% negative in seconds. After all the arguing, I know for sure that I will no longer find any evidence anymore. Either because she's innocent but afraid to show me anything anymore, or that she was lying and will be much more careful now. I know I will never know what really happened on all those occasions either. I know that I may have hurt her feelings by accusing her of lying and suggesting infidelity, but I also know I may have been right. I know it will be impossible for her to admit to anything anymore, and I fear that she will never tell me anything that I might not like to hear anymore either. Either way, as unfair as it may be for her, I have very little trust left for her at this point.
Was it all just some very bad luck? I won't believe that all of that was me being paranoid over some mere coincidence. Has she found someone else? If she was done with me I doubt she has the ability or motivation to lie and act that well that much, telling me she's faithful and that she loves me every day. I'm convinced that she's not having a full-blown affair, since we remained virgins till this day, and she calls me every night at her apartment and takes selfies for me (too much work for her or the other guy). Am I able to accept the idea that she may be lying about casually seeing someone, to replace a void in her life before she sacrifices her old life and moves here? I may be able to forgive the act, but I will never know if it'll happen again when my career gets demanding.
She still calls me every day, tells me she loves me and chats with me, telling me about her day and sharing details and photos. She is putting a lot of effort to earn my trust again. I know from the bottom of my heart that none of this would have happened if we weren't separate. Either way, we will never be the same again. Should we even persist and make her sacrifice so much and move here?
Finally, if I do decide that its too much to bear and that I will never be able to trust her again, how do I break up with her, with the possibility that she was innocent? She's bought tickets to come in a month. Breaking up with her during or after a Christmas trip isn't exactly considerate or easy.
Here's the thing...this is just the kind of thing that usually happens when teenagers get together and try to stay together into adulthood.
I'm not saying you can't "fix" this or come back from it to go on to wedded bliss and a 50th anniversary one day....just saying when you can't trust someone, you cannot respect them.
And once respect is gone a relationship is doomed.
Since she already bought her tickets I suggest you man up and do the breakup in person. Perhaps you two will be able to fight it out and come to some new understanding of each other and yourselves. Perhaps you will even find a way to respect her once again.
Finally, if I do decide that its too much to bear and that I will never be able to trust her again, how do I break up with her, with the possibility that she was innocent? She's bought tickets to come in a month. Breaking up with her during or after a Christmas trip isn't exactly considerate or easy.
It doesn't really matter if she's innocent or not. And it wouldn't matter if you were living in the same city. You already have lost trust. You've become a person who looks for proof and saves photos for "evidence."
I agree with lovesmountains. Christmas or not, you need to let her go so both of you can finish growing up.
I strongly advise you to seek out a PhD-level psychotherapist so you don't carry these problems with you into subsequent relationships.
OP, you have serious trust problems and you are manipulating and controlling. Get some professional help to help deal with your chronic fears. It's your problem, not hers. A reasonable person would not believe she is being unfaithful, more independent perhaps. Do you fear that, as well? Did you really expect to be able to in full control of this person so far away?
OP, this relationship is over. Seriously, 7 times in 1 year? Trust issues? "Skype" through time zone differences?
You deserve better than this at the tender age of 24. Seriously, go travel, see the world, gain a new perspective. She's not the right one for you (unless you can literally move to where she is to see her more often). All those things about loving you or caring about you? Mere words over the Internet. Women are quite adept at faking emotions on there.
Move on, and chalk this up as a lesson about long distance relationships.
Oh, categorizing yourself in set personality quizzes just seems stupid to me.
I'm surprised she's putting up with this behavior from you. Either she was doing something shady and that's why she is so tolerant of your grilling and snooping, or she just really is attached to you.
Either way, it sounds like you aren't stable enough emotionally to handle a long distance relationship. And yes, they are hard to deal with (I was in one for two years before we could reunite again). It can be lonely and you wonder if the other person will meet someone else. If you're not willing to trust they will be faithful to you, then it is just putting yourself and them through hell. If you do cut it off with her, the "It's not you it's me" line is actually accurate.
Perhaps you can think of it this way: Instead of labeling her as lying and unfaithful, realize that the distance is wearing on your ability to trust her in a relationship. Break it off in the sense that you're not committed to each other anymore; tell her you don't want a long distance relationship. If she wants to move back near you, why not at least continue dating if you care about her and want to be with her? Or, if you've let this fear sour the relationship so much that you no longer want to be with her... yeah, I'd cut it off before she comes back.
Your behavior would push a girl away whether she lives next door, or on another continent. You need to work on your behavior, or you will find yourself in starting these types of threads each time you start dating a new woman.
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