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That's what would drive me crazy, cause me to resent her...That's why I asked if the emails etc. were still around..Something that could be used to bring the truth out, for good or bad.
Otherwise there will always be a chance that 'that's her story and she's sticking to it, forgive her or don't'..I think I could forgive cheating before I could forgive..Idk, the dishonesty, the not owning up to it.
Good luck tho'. 33 yrs is a long time, I don't know what I would do.
I've already done that "sleuthing and investigating" and tried to extract the truth from her, if in fact it hasn't all come out already (benefit of doubt).
I need to find out for myself how I am going to live my future. And one thing I do know - any decision that comes up for me will be based on my own happiness first, meaning as you said, if I can't foresee myself living without doubt while with her, then moving on seems to be my only option. But I have yet to cross that bridge.
Time is an amazing thing. I've been able to suppress the debilitating hurt feeling and at least am able to somewhat function. I've also been able to look deeper into the issue at hand. Marriage counseling will be a huge intersection, but going in I am gaining a little more clarity. 33 years allows a lot to get into the head.
I still haven't reconciled what's been done and if anything more than I found has occurred. But that being said, I can see why she strayed, and of course I am accountable. The normal "drifting apart" over along term relationship to me seems inevitable in a relationship, and our 33 years is a lot of time. We gain more experiences, new likes, drop old ones - we change. Strong relationships endure these changes, as do the strong people within those relationships.
In my case, I can see a little clearer the road behind me. In essence, it really started back when my daughter went through 3 years of depression. It was a challenge for my wife and I to endure it all, because it was fairly serious (my daughter is very successful now). I accumulated several bad job related experiences (wrong place, wrong time) including with my father-in-law which has made for a bumpy but not unsuccessful career. So far life has had residual psychological build up in both of us.
Then my wife falls ill, has her gall bladder removed, and has been in pain for almost 3 years and now must leave her job. This is where I slipped. Although I was there for her, when she was sitting in her room for months every day after work playing on her tablet because she was in so much pain she couldn't do anything else (she didn't want to curl up in bed every time), in hindsight I allowed the gap between us to widen. I was there for her, but I allowed her to be alone in her room while I did my thing. Stupidly I didn't go sit in her room on a regular basis talking to her or whatever. I failed at helping her deep down emotionally. Her pain may have limited our sex more, but there was no excuse for me to let our distance widen and make myself feel like I was being ignored - so this combined with my personality type was a bad combination.
It's not an answer but in my mind at least a more detailed explanantion, and in marriage counseling hopefully it will all go on the table. But at this point, even if she said there was more to her story, when she hears that maybe I realize my shortcomings in our relationship that she'll come clean (if she hasn't already). Look, maybe as odd as her behavior has seemed to me, maybe by me thinking there is more and trying to force that answer out of her, that I'm just wanting to hear what I believe instead of accepting the truth that there isn't anything else. This will be a test of my ability to forgive - nothing has changed as I have been hurt regardless of the reasons why. Cheating or not (if you believe sexting is cheating which I do), I can easily see reasons why mistakes were made.
I just hope counseling helps her get it out. With all she's personally been through in life, I think her not going to individual counseling has not been a good choice. Playing the strong game sometimes isn't healthy, which is why I went to my own personal counseling.
Metalmancpa, you sound like you really have a great head on your shoulders.
I too believe individual counseling for both of you would be ideal.
Then come together later as a couple.
I don't think anyone escapes heartaches, pain, and the unexpected throughout our lives.
In comes in many ways and degrees.
And we all handle it differently.
Right or wrong on how ones handles it?? Don't know.
Wishing you two peace throughout the process. It will take awhile, the process.
Time is an amazing thing. I've been able to suppress the debilitating hurt feeling and at least am able to somewhat function. I've also been able to look deeper into the issue at hand. Marriage counseling will be a huge intersection, but going in I am gaining a little more clarity. 33 years allows a lot to get into the head.
I still haven't reconciled what's been done and if anything more than I found has occurred. But that being said, I can see why she strayed, and of course I am accountable. The normal "drifting apart" over along term relationship to me seems inevitable in a relationship, and our 33 years is a lot of time. We gain more experiences, new likes, drop old ones - we change. Strong relationships endure these changes, as do the strong people within those relationships.
In my case, I can see a little clearer the road behind me. In essence, it really started back when my daughter went through 3 years of depression. It was a challenge for my wife and I to endure it all, because it was fairly serious (my daughter is very successful now). I accumulated several bad job related experiences (wrong place, wrong time) including with my father-in-law which has made for a bumpy but not unsuccessful career. So far life has had residual psychological build up in both of us.
Then my wife falls ill, has her gall bladder removed, and has been in pain for almost 3 years and now must leave her job. This is where I slipped. Although I was there for her, when she was sitting in her room for months every day after work playing on her tablet because she was in so much pain she couldn't do anything else (she didn't want to curl up in bed every time), in hindsight I allowed the gap between us to widen. I was there for her, but I allowed her to be alone in her room while I did my thing. Stupidly I didn't go sit in her room on a regular basis talking to her or whatever. I failed at helping her deep down emotionally. Her pain may have limited our sex more, but there was no excuse for me to let our distance widen and make myself feel like I was being ignored - so this combined with my personality type was a bad combination.
It's not an answer but in my mind at least a more detailed explanantion, and in marriage counseling hopefully it will all go on the table. But at this point, even if she said there was more to her story, when she hears that maybe I realize my shortcomings in our relationship that she'll come clean (if she hasn't already). Look, maybe as odd as her behavior has seemed to me, maybe by me thinking there is more and trying to force that answer out of her, that I'm just wanting to hear what I believe instead of accepting the truth that there isn't anything else. This will be a test of my ability to forgive - nothing has changed as I have been hurt regardless of the reasons why. Cheating or not (if you believe sexting is cheating which I do), I can easily see reasons why mistakes were made.
I just hope counseling helps her get it out. With all she's personally been through in life, I think her not going to individual counseling has not been a good choice. Playing the strong game sometimes isn't healthy, which is why I went to my own personal counseling.
Sorting through this will be a VERY long process, and one where "two steps forward, one step back" certainly will apply.
Sorting through this will be a VERY long process, and one where "two steps forward, one step back" certainly will apply.
Day by day is the best approach.
Now that the initial bite of the pain has subsided due to time, although nothing is crystal clear, I have more clarity.
One thing I was pretty clear on at the outset was taking this a day at a time. I just needed my head to separate itself from the "shock and horror", and to start looking at everything at a much higher level, that I am seeing and feeling how day to day works. Each passing day is time at work.
Metalmancpa, you sound like you really have a great head on your shoulders.
I too believe individual counseling for both of you would be ideal.
Then come together later as a couple.
I don't think anyone escapes heartaches, pain, and the unexpected throughout our lives.
In comes in many ways and degrees.
And we all handle it differently.
Right or wrong on how ones handles it?? Don't know.
Wishing you two peace throughout the process. It will take awhile, the process.
Thank you. I am trying my best not to let my mind trick me into anything. Time also allows the mind to clear itself from impurities of thought, those thoughts conjured with life yet only thoughts until proven otherwise.
Just remember to breathe and pace yourself. If anything right now also utilize this time and event to not only keep yourself physically busy but work on yourself. It will keep you busy and also fill your thoughts with other things than the event. If you focus on it too much it will hurt and it will be like holding a burning branch. It is a long process and remember there will be good days for your as well as bad days. Just remember to try and NOT OVERTHINK!!! lol. Trust me I can relate to you and (from what your have said) the way your mind works, my process is similar (what is it they say about great minds......great minds can help each other.....no no it was something else).
For the duration of this event breathe, pace your body/mind, and most of all.....don't overthink.
Also, remember in life things happen for a reason. Just because this happened doesn't mean its one person that is at fault, nor does it mean any persons' life is over.
Just remember to breathe and pace yourself. If anything right now also utilize this time and event to not only keep yourself physically busy but work on yourself. It will keep you busy and also fill your thoughts with other things than the event. If you focus on it too much it will hurt and it will be like holding a burning branch. It is a long process and remember there will be good days for your as well as bad days. Just remember to try and NOT OVERTHINK!!! lol. Trust me I can relate to you and (from what your have said) the way your mind works, my process is similar (what is it they say about great minds......great minds can help each other.....no no it was something else).
For the duration of this event breathe, pace your body/mind, and most of all.....don't overthink.
Also, remember in life things happen for a reason. Just because this happened doesn't mean its one person that is at fault, nor does it mean any persons' life is over.
Just remember to breathe and pace yourself. If anything right now also utilize this time and event to not only keep yourself physically busy but work on yourself. It will keep you busy and also fill your thoughts with other things than the event. If you focus on it too much it will hurt and it will be like holding a burning branch. It is a long process and remember there will be good days for your as well as bad days. Just remember to try and NOT OVERTHINK!!! lol. Trust me I can relate to you and (from what your have said) the way your mind works, my process is similar (what is it they say about great minds......great minds can help each other.....no no it was something else).
For the duration of this event breathe, pace your body/mind, and most of all.....don't overthink.
Also, remember in life things happen for a reason. Just because this happened doesn't mean its one person that is at fault, nor does it mean any persons' life is over.
I've paced, breathed, and personally am in a much better place. Excellent advice.
I am not over-thinking about this anymore (can't deny doubt signals pass through the brain - I think that's normal). I've talked with my wife.
Bottom line - I am moving forward with the process. I am forgiving due to what became clear about me in the relationship. I am looking forward to marriage counseling tomorrow. When love is strong and true, repair of anything broken in a relationship has a high probability of success. I will move forward focusing on my flaws instead of pointing a finger elsewhere. I will trust that if I continue to show my wife how I feel about her openly, without internal self blocking, she will do the same. No matter what has happened up until today, there was a reason. I do trust our relationship.
Marriage counseling began today. We went for our initial 1.5 hour session. I researched for days and picked this woman, and my wife agreed after reading her bio.
Going in, I knew how I felt about counseling (open to it) and how my wife felt (not too keen on it - not about working out the marriage, but about the profession as a whole). I know where my wife is coming from, as we dealt with many psychologists/psychiatrists during the 3 years our daughter fought depression, and most were quacks.
Almost immediately, it was evident that this woman was extremely good at what she does. She's a thinker, outside the box. She asked questions and guided us through the session. It was comfortable. When we left, my wife and I both agreed she was amazing, and for my wife to say that speaks volumes.
When we got home, she said with a smile because of the cliche - This is the first day of the rest of our lives. We are FAR from healed, and we know the road will be bumpy. But at least after today, I feel we are both in the same car on this journey, and that's a positive start.
Last edited by metalmancpa; 12-18-2014 at 05:14 PM..
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