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It's easier, but anyone taking that route should chop their ring finger off so they never take a "Til death do us ****ing part" pledge. I have no respect for that kind of immaturity out of someone that is supposed to be an adult.
I agree.
I wouldn't throw in the towel. Life isn't always greener on the other side. I think it can be worked out.
I'd like to offer that I disagree with the part about being more blunt and that I believe suggesting you may be ready to move on would be the worst possible course of action. It will undermine any effort to actually save your marriage.
Shes at the point where she doesn't feel like salvaging the marriage. As such, she should be blunt in her assessment.
It's easier, but anyone taking that route should chop their ring finger off so they never take a "Til death do us ****ing part" pledge. I have no respect for that kind of immaturity out of someone that is supposed to be an adult.
No one asked for your respect, as you are not the OP.
I believe she should refuse to put up with his slovenly behavior and cruel treatment of her and their children. Yes, she should get her own therapy. Yes, she needs to draw a firm line on what she will tolerate in her marriage and what is completely unacceptable.
This problem probably goes much deeper than the past couple of years. It's likely some of her chronic anxiety comes from having a husband who is likely to explode at any moment. Rock schmock.
Did I say she should divorce him? No, but she should remove herself completely from that toxic environment and if she doesn't read him the riot act with the big stick in her hand, then she needs to unequivocally let him know that he's making her miserable with his anger and his filth. No more nagging.
Show him the door, or kindly suggest he take up traveling full time.
I think there comes a time when we have exhausted all avenues for reconciliation and the final ending should be swift and as clean as possible. I also think it's very important for you to go to counseling by yourself, it really helps with clarity of thinking and making some decisions.
Based on my own experience with marriage and with past relationships, the main things I really would consider leaving a marriage or relationship for, at this point, are cruelty/abuse, and dishonesty.
Thanks everyone for some great advice. My husband did not cause my anxiety. I was born this way. There are times absolutely it is heightened due to his behavior, but it cannot in any way be blamed on him.
I think right now we are probably both frustrated. Him with his job and traveling, me being home and basically a single mom doing everything. It is a lot on both of our shoulders right now.
Like I said, I don't know where I am with our marriage. The day I posted this thread, I was done. There just doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. We have been through many ups and downs over our relationship. This down has been a very, very long time.
I so get everyone saying 'just appease him and try to make it a house wonderful to come home to'. I am frustrated as hell, because I feel (again, feel) I do everything. He works, comes home and will occasionally cook. That's it. Everything else falls on my shoulders. It is exhausting being the caregiver to our children, working full time, cleaning up after everyone, maintaining the house, our budget, the bills, creating a social life, making sure the kids are doing well in school etc. etc. etc.
It's a very hard way of life for us right now. We are both beyond exhausted and stressed that it wears on the relationship.
It's a very hard way of life for us right now. We are both beyond exhausted and stressed that it wears on the relationship.
Raising kids, running a household and being married is a tough gig.
My friend that had four children used to jokingly threatened her husband that if he decided he wanted out of the marriage she was the one that was going to get the apartment, and have the kids visit on the weekends. He could have the house, all the kids full time and do all the other stuff that has to be done to run a home.
My point is...don't let him off the hook and you still end up doing everything and even more so because he will not even be around a little bit and you will end up having even less of his salary.
I know you will end up doing whatever you need to do. None of us really know what it is to be you, you are the only one that really knows what will improve your life. It is a big job being the Mother and running a household.
Thanks everyone for some great advice. My husband did not cause my anxiety. I was born this way. There are times absolutely it is heightened due to his behavior, but it cannot in any way be blamed on him.
I think right now we are probably both frustrated. Him with his job and traveling, me being home and basically a single mom doing everything. It is a lot on both of our shoulders right now.
Like I said, I don't know where I am with our marriage. The day I posted this thread, I was done. There just doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. We have been through many ups and downs over our relationship. This down has been a very, very long time.
I so get everyone saying 'just appease him and try to make it a house wonderful to come home to'. I am frustrated as hell, because I feel (again, feel) I do everything. He works, comes home and will occasionally cook. That's it. Everything else falls on my shoulders. It is exhausting being the caregiver to our children, working full time, cleaning up after everyone, maintaining the house, our budget, the bills, creating a social life, making sure the kids are doing well in school etc. etc. etc.
It's a very hard way of life for us right now. We are both beyond exhausted and stressed that it wears on the relationship.
How about some outside help, if you can afford it? Babysitter for one night a week so you can go out, either alone or with him? A housekeeper? Someone to run some errands for you? Is there someplace you can buy healthy prepared meals?
You do sound like you're both at the breaking point, but keep in mind that the things that are stressing you out now would be worse with a separation. Hope you can find a way to work on these issues together.
I came to the realization that my wife has felt the downs in our relationship for years due to my distance. It's easier to see how I was not fulfilling her emotional needs (hindsight is 20-20), and now that we have entered counseling, I trust in a few sessions enough will come out to determine if in fact our marriage can be repaired. Although I feel good based upon our initial session, I do not know how far I have pushed her away, and if she's willing to take a chance on "trusting" me in that way. Plus, her feelings on her actions will also come out, and to that I will have to reconcile (or not).
At this point, I have accepted to let fate from this point on take it's course. I (we) will take the steps necessary to work at this, but in the near future the ultimate decision to fix or move on will happen. I will fight for the marriage, but will also accept if she won't (I am not saying she isn't now, but understand the therapy will hopefully open up deep inner feelings in both of us).
Being in this sort of situation sucks big time. The emotional roller coaster I've ridden recently makes me ill. But at least I have began the process of a decision, as opposed to continue to live in an what has been an unhealthy marriage for quite a while.
I think it may be time to get a housekeeper. That would be a huge help.
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