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But why? Why not keep things casual forever? Why is that not considered living life (life passing you by)? If you think it's just not worth the risk, and you're ok with the result of that, I don't see whats so bad about it. other than, as I mentioned in my other post, possibly disappointing others who assume commitment will happen if they're "good enough".
If you can find someone who's cool with keeping it casual forever, then more power to you. There are quite a number of members of this forum that have been casually dating for most of their lives and are well into their 40s and 50s. You are clearly in good company.
I said it before, I'll say it again. There is no right or wrong way to go about dating/relationships. It's all a matter of finding someone who agrees with your way.
But why? Why not keep things casual forever? Why is that not considered living life (life passing you by)? If you think it's just not worth the risk, and you're ok with the result of that, I don't see whats so bad about it. other than, as I mentioned in my other post, possibly disappointing others who assume commitment will happen if they're "good enough".
Some people just aren't into the casual thing.
I am one of those people. I not into the "dating just to date" thing. Just seems like a waste of time for me. If my feelings don't go beyond friendship or (rarely) sexual interest I'm not going to try to be anything more with them, or send mixed signals. It's totally pointless.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being casual....it's fine as long as both people are on the same page. I'm not really willing to build anything with anyone at the moment because I have not come across anyone I want to share anything with, and I'm not trying to get attached to anyone. It's pretty simple.
We see that a lot on this site. Crazy deal breaker lists. Extensive reasons why someone is not the one and will never be the one. Insane expectations. I think people really forget there is a second person is every relationship. I see the "I want what I want" crowd a lot on here... well, what you want is only about 50% of a relationship. News flash: your wants aren't the only things that matter.
Most of these are defense mechanisms. Barriers to opening up and taking the risk of falling in love and having to work on a relationship. People live scared.
Couldn't rep you again so had to quote you. I think the bolded would make a great thread of its own for discussion.
Yes I date with serious relationships in mind. I'm only open to men who want to marry. Life is too short to date men not into that. I haven't been married and that is the goal. I have hit a few snags lately due to my boyfriend where we had to postpone marriage for awhile but it'll be coming when the time is right.
I don't have any plans to marry again. It's not on my agenda at all. But if the right man came along and it seemed right, I am not going to say no. So no plans to marry again, but I won't say "never" either. And yes, it would probably take years of dating to get to that point. Then again, like I said, what would be the rush? Why not really get to know someone.
The men I am talking about/that I've been dating bring up marriage within the first few weeks of dating (or with some online men that I never dated, they bring it up before dating. They flat out say they are looking for their next wife or ask me if I am looking to marry again and when I say, "I don't plan on it" they wish me luck and go on their ways, etc).
I'm curious, why do you respond this way? Why not just say "I'm open to all the options" or something along those lines, since it sounds like you actually are open to whatever happens down the road? It seems like you are shutting them down prematurely by saying "I don't plan on it" which sounds fairly definitive.
Perhaps that's a good way of putting it. Although I would think of it more as having a long enough relationship with "Mr. Right Now" to figure out if he's Mr. Right. These men I am talking about want to get married so quickly (and it seems like to whoever is willing). Part of me suspects it's because they don't want to be "alone" (I really can't believe these men all fall in love so easily). As I asked before, what's the rush?
Again, I don't want to be a second divorce statistic. I have time and I feel it's best to take my time rather than committing to the first man that comes along (especially when the biggest benefit of marriage as I see it... having a loving and reliable partner to raise children with... is kind of moot at this point. I don't want more children and most of the men I date have older children and don't want more children either). But on the flip side, these men I've dated seem to be interested in whoever comes along first. Either I am some super hot catch (I am not) or they are just willing to settle for the first woman they can get (not a situation I want to be in, the "good enough to meet my needs" wife).
I am talking about one continuous relationship. Not sure why so many think if you don't want to marry, you just want to skip around from person to person. Like I said, I know a couple who has been together, exclusively for over 10 years... and they aren't married. My uncle and his girlfriend have been together for going on four years now... no plans to marry or move in together either.
Just because I don't want to marry again doesn't mean I want to date around with a bunch of people. I would ultimately like a committed relationship with one man, for several years. Just enjoy each others company, share experiences, share love, etc... without the legal and financial entanglements that are marriage. Only if it lasts for years and it was pretty solid that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives (and it benefited both of us legally and financially to marry), could I see even considering marrying again.
This exactly, and I totally feel the same way, although I've never been married. I think a lot of people here are confused thinking you just want to date different people every week. I understand that marriage is the ultimate goal for many, but it's not for everybody and there is nothing wrong with that. I've read many of your posts and I shake my head in disbelief at some of these men you date. I'm guessing a lot of them are divorced and their wives did everything and they have a hard time doing things on their own and are just looking for someone to cook and clean for them. Either that or they can't stand being single.
Last edited by david0966; 02-03-2015 at 04:23 PM..
We see that a lot on this site. Crazy deal breaker lists. Extensive reasons why someone is not the one and will never be the one. Insane expectations. I think people really forget there is a second person is every relationship. I see the "I want what I want" crowd a lot on here... well, what you want is only about 50% of a relationship. News flash: your wants aren't the only things that matter.
Most of these are defense mechanisms. Barriers to opening up and taking the risk of falling in love and having to work on a relationship. People live scared.
Jillabean, I have a hunch that you are attractive, smart and have a lot more to offer than you are letting on. You may not be aware of how difficult it is for a man to find a woman of your caliber.
I also think it's wise to not jump too quickly into a serious relationship. But if you are smart and observant, it shouldnt take dating someone a long time to know if they are right for you.
I think you are doing everything right and just haven't met the right man yet. Keep dating until you meet the man who stands out from the crowd. I think you'll recognize him sooner than you think. Good luck!
You got me thinking... and it could be a lot of me not meeting men who are right for me (but they think I am right for them). Just about every man I dated for more than a few dates, slowly, over the course of the dates I became less interested in them (and their interest increased). Maybe that's why.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick
I'm curious, why do you respond this way? Why not just say "I'm open to all the options" or something along those lines, since it sounds like you actually are open to whatever happens down the road? It seems like you are shutting them down prematurely by saying "I don't plan on it" which sounds fairly definitive.
I just feel it's truthful. I don't plan on it. I feel like saying I am open to it is misrepresenting things. I am looking for a man to be in a committed realtionship with, yes, and MAYBE, just maybe after years of dating I might consider marrying him... maybe. It's not a given. I'd hate to sting someone along for years. I've seen it happen to people and it's miserable for the one being strung along.
It's really not a goal of mine. Just like climbing Mount Everest isn't a goal of mine. I won't say I will never do it (either the mountain or marriage), but something would have to change a lot for me to change my mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by david0966
This exactly, and I totally feel the same way. I think a lot of people here are confused thinking you just want to date different people every week. I understand that marriage is the ultimate goal for many, but it's not for everybody and there is nothing wrong with that. I've read many of your posts and I shake my head in disbelief at some of these men you date. I'm guessing a lot of them are divorced and their wives did everything and they have a hard time doing things on their own and are just looking for someone to cook and clean for them. Either that or they can't stand being single.
Yeah, somehow it got all mixed up. Like I said, it's just not a goal of mine... why would it be? All of the marriage minded men I met, I met though online dating (Eharmony mostly). I think a lot of it has to do with that website. Some were from Match though too. Both sites bill their "success" as marriages. A lot of the men I meet are also very recently divorced. I think they want to hurry up and remarry (don't want to be alone for whatever reason). I also think something about me screams "domestic" to people. So many people think I am married (and they are surprised to find out I'm not). So maybe I give off wifey vibes, lol.
I don't know why people are saying I must be "afraid" to be in a relationship because I don't plan on marrying again. I think people who rush into remarriage are afraid... afraid of being alone. I am open to a relationship... the breakup of a long term relationship is about the same emotional feeling as a broken marriage to me. The difference is with a breakup you don't also go though all the legal and financial strain. A lot of the people telling me to be open to marriage have never been though a divorce (some have never been married). I don't think I can explain what it's like to someone who has never been though it all... and mine wasn't "bad" either. My ex and I mediated everything and were very amicable.
I guess I would like to turn things around. If you (meaning the big you of the thread) put yourself in my shoes, can you give me good reasons why it would be beneficial for me to plan to marry and go out and find a husband as opposed to just having a long-term committed relationship?
Keep in mind that I don't plan on having more children, right now I have a lot of assets that I would like to go to my child if something happens to me, I own my own home, I have a great job with decent benefits, I have a large "support group" of family and friends, I am very financially sound now, and I enjoy being in control of my own life... and also keep in mind that divorce, on top of the stress, the legal implications, having to change my very identify (change my name back), my divorce also nearly bankrupted me (came very close to filing, but I pulled myself out of it and now I am in the best financial shape I've ever been in--even when married). So all that in mind, why would I want to purposely seek out marriage again? What benefit is there for me... or even for any man I might marry?
Last edited by jillabean; 02-03-2015 at 04:58 PM..
You got me thinking... and it could be a lot of me not meeting men who are right for me (but they think I am right for them). Just about every man I dated for more than a few dates, slowly, over the course of the dates I became less interested in them (and their interest increased). Maybe that's why.
I just feel it's truthful. I don't plan on it. I feel like saying I am open to it is misrepresenting things. I am looking for a man to be in a committed realtionship with, yes, and MAYBE, just maybe after years of dating I might consider marrying him... maybe. It's not a given. I'd hate to sting someone along for years. I've seen it happen to people and it's miserable for the one being strung along.
It's really not a goal of mine. Just like climbing Mount Everest isn't a goal of mine. I won't say I will never do it (either the mountain or marriage), but something would have to change a lot for me to change my mind.
Yeah, somehow it got all mixed up. Like I said, it's just not a goal of mine... why would it be? All of the marriage minded men I met, I met though online dating (Eharmony mostly). I think a lot of it has to do with that website. Some were from Match though too. Both sites bill their "success" as marriages. A lot of the men I meet are also very recently divorced. I think they want to hurry up and remarry (don't want to be alone for whatever reason). I also think something about me screams "domestic" to people. So many people think I am married (and they are surprised to find out I'm not). So maybe I give off wifey vibes, lol.
I don't know why people are saying I must be "afraid" to be in a relationship because I don't plan on marrying again. I think people who rush into remarriage are afraid... afraid of being alone. I am open to a relationship... the breakup of a long term relationship is about the same emotional feeling as a broken marriage to me. The difference is with a breakup you don't also go though all the legal and financial strain. A lot of the people telling me to be open to marriage have never been though a divorce (some have never been married). I don't think I can explain what it's like to someone who has never been though it all... and mine wasn't "bad" either. My ex and I mediated everything and were very amicable.
I guess I would like to turn things around. If you (meaning the big you of the thread) put yourself in my shoes, can you give me good reasons why it would be beneficial for me to plan to marry and go out and find a husband as opposed to just having a long-term committed relationship?
Keep in mind that I don't plan on having more children, right now I have a lot of assets that I would like to go to my child if something happens to me, I own my own home, I have a great job with decent benefits, I have a large "support group" of family and friends, I am very financially sound now, and I enjoy being in control of my own life... and also keep in mind that divorce, on top of the stress, the legal implications, having to change my very identify (change my name back), my divorce also nearly bankrupted me (came very close to filing, but I pulled myself out of it and now I am in the best financial shape I've ever been in--even when married). So all that in mind, why would I want to purposely seek out marriage again? What benefit is there for me... or even for any man I might marry?
None of this really matters. We don't need to debate the reasons you do or don't want to get married again. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. What you simply need to realize is that it is going to be difficult to find someone to be in a committed, monogamous dating relationship with, that may not progress beyond the dating stage. It's really not unlike any of the other preferences we see in this forum. When you have a preference, you have to accept the limitations of that preference, and in this instance, it means that a guy who fits your preference will be a challenge to find.
None of this really matters. We don't need to debate the reasons you do or don't want to get married again. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. What you simply need to realize is that it is going to be difficult to find someone to be in a committed, monogamous dating relationship with, that may not progress beyond the dating stage. It's really not unlike any of the other preferences we see in this forum. When you have a preference, you have to accept the limitations of that preference, and in this instance, it means that a guy who fits your preference will be a challenge to find.
True. I kind of got carried away with defending myself (sometimes it does feel like a personal attack. I should step back more often and reflect).
But at least in all this discussion, I found out that I am not on some extreme fringe, while I may be in the minority and it might be a challenge for me, at least this thread taught me that there are some out there who think like me (and they are mainly men... so it gives me hope) And I really do appreciate hearing the other side of things, even if my "debate mode" kicks in. I'd hate for everyone to agree with me (after all, what would we all talk about then if we all agreed).
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And I really do appreciate hearing the other side of things, even if my "debate mode" kicks in. I'd hate for everyone to agree with me (after all, what would we all talk about then if we all agreed).
