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Thank you for your advice. I am planning on waiting this one out. It just hurts when he goes to family functions without me. I don't get an invite or the thought of an invite. It's just known that he does things with his family, and I don't go....to keep the peace.
I feel like if we keep our distance we are validating their thoughts, and it doesn't sit right with me.
Are you going to be okay with his continuing to participate in functions solo? Or are you anticipating that at some point, he will take a stand?
I feel awful for these kids. That's all I can say. Bringing them together into a home, after divorce, when you haven't even ironed out the details with the man they are being forced to live with.
If your SO wants this relationship and feels ready to move on, then he does need to stick up for you when it comes to his family. It's one thing for them to not like you because they still think there's a chance for his ex-wife to return, but to accuse you of being the reason is insulting. It's even insulting to your SO that they think he'd be capable of cheating and wrecking his marriage because of cheating. They don't give him any credit that he simply moved on. The longer he lets them believe this lie they believe, the more they'll believe it's true regardless of his occasional comments that it's not. He needs to put his foot down and tell them that he never did cheat, never would have, and never will. His marriage fell apart because it just did. They have to accept that fact. He's moved on and you are the one special thing in his life and they need to play nice. They don't have to love you, but if they respect him as their son and relative, they need to respect his decisions and try to get along. You are not trash and you are not a fling. You are a part of his life, and quite possibly a permanent one, whether they like it or not. They should try to get to know you before they judge you.
If he stands up for you, they may try to accept his relationship with you. Remind him that it hurts that he isn't standing up for you. That he always goes over to them knowing how much they dislike you...that part of him. You aren't asking him not to see his family, but to go every time without insisting you go too. the more they see the two of you together, the more possible they'll start to accept you...once they see how happy you both are together.
Please talk to him. This obviously is hurting your feelings and that matters a great deal. You don't want to start resenting him. That resentment is a relationship ruiner.
People seem to be really hung up on the time-in-relationship factor, here. I wonder how answers would vary if it were a relationship spanning three years, versus a seven-month long one.
Interpretations of what timeframes make a relationship "legitimate" are always interesting.
People seem to be really hung up on the time-in-relationship factor, here. I wonder how answers would vary if it were a relationship spanning three years, versus a seven-month long one.
Interpretations of what timeframes make a relationship "legitimate" are always interesting.
"hung up?"
Interesting since you yourself are focusing on just that, does that make you "hung up" on the time-relationship factor?
And per your example, I'll add one myself
I wonder what the answers would be if it were 5 minutes versus a 7 month long one. Like right after the kids saw their mother killed in a car crash, their Daddy called his girlfriend via his cell to come over and hug him and meet the kids. Then she moved in that day and playe dhouse.
Would someone who objected to this be considered "hung up" on the time-relationship factor to you?
I also feel that given you've only been a couple for 7 months, I would back off from his family. That may just not be enough time for them to accept the situation.
Having said that, I would not be looking to live with or marry this man until his family is at a point where they can accept you as a major part of his life.
I personally would exit a situation where I had to take the better part of a year to "win over" somebody's family. In fact, I don't do the "win over the family" thing, period. If the family is not interested in getting to know me and blatantly communicates that, I'm moving on. Some people have no problem whatsoever with toxic potential in-laws, but as a person who's ridden that mary-go-round, no thanks. My MIL and FIL are wonderful people, and we all get along famously. My parents adore my husband. Were either of those elements not true, our relationship would not have progressed very far. Family matters, to me. It doesn't matter that much to everyone, and that's fine. But I know from experience that an unhealthy dynamic with an in-law family makes for an unhealthy relationship dynamic, overall. How one interacts with their family tells you A LOT about the person.
Thank you all for the flood of comments and helpful ideas!
An update on the case would be good today. Things seems to be going the same, but still well. Typically we argue on Sundays as it is awkward for me when he comes back from his private family outings. We are quickly over it, but the tension remains.
I have deactivated my Facebook account so that I do not have the urge to seek out information for my mind to distort. I blocked his mother and ex-wife on FB (before deleting), Instagram, and Twitter, as they have me blocked as well. I'm trying to avoid the private creeping on their end (blocking and unblocking when they want to creep and get info).
I am still not mentioned in any outings. His mother messaged him today in regards to his home and asked if he was there, he replied that he was in my town. She got a little distant, but nothing negative. His father had surgery this week and will be in the hospital for recovery for about a week. I wish that I could support him alongside, but I understand. I keep my distance as suggested by a commenter.
Yes, it has only been 7ish months. However, we were best friends for years before, and still are. I suppose I am just missing the openness of us as being friends and am trying to get used to the private aspect of our relationship now.
We are currently in a dinner-date thing with my cousin and his gf. Every sunday we have dinner at a sushi restaurant and it feels good. I often ask about doing dinner or something with his friends (his ex and his best friends had a set date-night every friday), but the motivation isnt there. We often try to set up dates, but effort isnt applied much, on either end.
Today I am feeling very "meh". I try to not let social media bothers me, and I don't know why it does so much. He is still friends with his ex. He is very good at keeping his friends list, tagged photos, and posts regarding him private. He even customizes his friends. He says our relationship is visible to all, but I can't help but wonder if he has it set to a certain privacy. I have asked mutuals to check, and they agree we are visible. I just wonder how he has it for everyone. Anything I post about us (pictures, statues, locations, events) is not visible to anyone. I often ask him about the privacy, and he says, "Why is Facebook such a big deal?" The only response I can ever come up with is, "Ditto. If it isn't a big deal, then why the privacy?" Like I said, I have deactivated mine to prevent further drama (internal and external). I know it is petty and childish, but I can't help but wonder why.
Are you going to be okay with his continuing to participate in functions solo? Or are you anticipating that at some point, he will take a stand?
This is an important point.
My intention is for everything to be okay one day and to be accepted and invited with his family, as he is with mine. I will not be okay should this continue into the future. I am not a very family-oriented person, but I do not enjoy being ignored, gossiped about, or being shunned for reasons I have no fault to.
From you first post and your update, I personally don't see this getting better. If his family doesn't like you and are intentionally ignoring you exist, it isn't going to change by some chance miracle or time. Whatever the reasoning, it's their problem and you cannot fix it.
I would be existing this relationship. Why put yourself through all this?
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