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So I'm back in the dating pool, just dating casually to get an idea of what I want in my next relationship. In my last relationship, in addition to all the bipolar weirdness at the end (which you can read about in my older posts) the only thing that came up over the course of three years was I really my ex's type. When I moved into her house and putting stuff into the room I would use for my office, there was a box of pictures. My ex started to open the box and show me some of the pics. What I noticed is that most of her ex-boyfriends and her ex-husband tended to be younger than her (by at least 5-8 years), blue collar, ex-military, drove jacked up pick up trucks or owned motorcycles. Plus they were into hunting, four wheeling and hanging out at country bars. I, on the other hand, am white collar, have a professional management job and into hiking, climbing and trail running. Don't hang out at country bars, but instead hang out at craft breweries or quirky little dive bars if I go out at all. Plus I was 7 years older than her. My ex said it wasn't an issue, she was done going out with those kind of guys. Liked the fact I was stable and responsible, plus not always hanging out in the garage working on my toys.
One of our mutual friends showed me a picture of my ex on Facebook with one of the guys that she was cheating on me with and sure enough she went back to her old type.
Started chatting with someone that found me on a dating site and seemed to hit it off. She'e educated, professional and in the age range of what I normally date, though at the younger side of it. But she admitted that I was the first older guy that she has corresponded with. Again, like my ex she is into younger guys that are 10 years younger and tend to be current or ex-military.
Do women ever really change their type? Don't want to pursue someone that is going against what they normally date. By my calculations, I'm 15-18 years older than her usual dating pool. She did admit that the reason her relationships don't work or never get off the ground is that younger guys don't want to commit to a 40 year old woman. So she is trying to find guys her age or older to see if they are long term relationship material. Plus there is also the physical aspect, I'm in great shape for my age, but I'm not going to be able to compete with a guy who's in their early to mid-30's in certain areas.
Don't assume that everyone has just one "type," or a type at all.
You wouldn't be able to tell anything accurate about me by the guys I've dated. All of them, including the man I'm married to, have one thing in common, and that's that they've all been highly intelligent. But other than that, ages, ethnicity, height, profession, appearance, etc. have all been all over the place. Other than liking smart guys, I don't have a type. A number of guys in my past are, well, rather short. Doesn't mean that short guys are my "type," it means that I happened to be interested in some guys who happened to be short, so I accepted it, though it wasn't necessarily my preference. I didn't date a guy who was an auto mechanic because I like auto mechanics...I liked him, and he happened to be an auto mechanic.
If somebody's not interested in you, they're not going to change their mind and reconsider. But if she's willingly chatting with you, there's at least some interest there. Will it last? Who knows? But she may or may not have a rock solid "type." She might just have, "These are the sorts of guys I happen to have dated in the past."
So you are afraid this new girl might dump you for a younger guy like your ex did?
It does make me nervous. I committed everything to my last relationship and we had been making plans to get married. So a little gun shy and don't want to waste another 3 years of my life on something that's not going anywhere.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grmi66
It does make me nervous. I committed everything to my last relationship and we had been making plans to get married. So a little gun shy and don't want to waste another 3 years of my life on something that's not going anywhere.
First things first. You're worrying about the end before you've even met someone to start a beginning with.
I'm like Tabula. I don't have a type other than intelligent and educated. Then its all about chemistry and attraction.
You don't HAVE to waste three years on anybody. Noting that a woman online has dated men unlike you in the past doesn't correspond to "likely to waste three years again." You're putting the cart waaaaaaay before the horse, here.
Going in scared, will bring the same results as your last relationship. Until you are able to let that go, you will continue to have relationships which end with the woman cheating on you. Your mindset probably brings an overbearing, smothering style with it. You know, where you are always trying to keep tabs on the woman. Where your life centers around her etc....that is the very type that pushes women into another man's arms. She will stick around, because you are very kind and safe, but in the longterm, the needy behavior is too much to overlook.
This only matters if you truly think THE reason your relationship didn't work was because you weren't her type. Which I think is very improbable and even more improbable since you mentioned she cheated on you.
It would be much more beneficial if you looked closely at signs she was of low character at the beginning and throughout the relationship and try to avoid people that mirror that, than asking for ages and a list of hobbies about their exes. One of them is easier than the other though, I understand that, but its not going to prevent what you're trying to prevent, is the thing. I think you should not care what a woman's usual type is, if she seems interested then shes interested. Who cares what she liked before, it really doesn't matter at all.
To the general topic of "do people ever change their type?": I think yes. They may have a "weakness" for some things or find it easy to talk to a certain type or whatever, but just as easily they could find someone the total opposite of that and be strongly attracted to how different and interesting they are.
It does make me nervous. I committed everything to my last relationship and we had been making plans to get married. So a little gun shy and don't want to waste another 3 years of my life on something that's not going anywhere.
This is EXACTLY what I'm going through, except I'm not dating yet. My ex never had a white gf before. He had a crush on a white girl when he was very young but I'm not sure that counts. I have considered that as a reason, especially since he's talking to a non-white girl now (that feels like really wrong terminology, but I don't know her ethnicity and it seems more rude to guess. I'm sorry if that's offensive, not meaning to be), but really it's foolish to think that way. We had problems and he told me why it's over and they have nothing to do with anything shallow like type or race. It's just me trying to escape those reasons and pin it on something neither of us has control over so I don't have to do any real work in the future to make sure i don't repeat the same mistakes. Luckily i only thought that for a few minutes and then got real. So I understand the draw to write it off as that, but it's not true.
Part of my plan is to NOT "commit everything" to a relationship. Of course I will still be loyal, honest, and giving, but I'm not going to give everything, and i'm going to make sure i'm always being real and protecting my interests...not in fairy tale land. And I'm not going to plan on it lasting forever.
Honestly, if you can't even entertain the thought of going out on first dates, or even talking to somebody casually, online or off, without immediately jumping to thoughts of "What if it ends just like my last relationship did???" "What if he/she doesn't like the same things my ex didn't like and it's all dooooooomed???" etc., you are probably not in a good place to be dating right now. You need to get over some stuff, 'cause you're transferring your insecurities onto new people unrelated to your past.
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