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Something I disagree with that seems extremely prevalent is this (imo) mistaken notion of what love really is. We'll talk about being in love and how wonderful that feeling is. Being "in love", many will say, is of the highest importance to a romantic relationship. Without it, what's the point?
What is this "in love" that so many praise so highly? How important is it, really, to a healthy relationship?
It's infatuation. A feeling. Something uncontrollable. And something that usually fades in time.
Hence we might think (rationally) that someone is damn near perfect for us (as if they basically complete our special list of what we want in a mate) and yet decide not to be with them romantically because for whatever reason we lack that feeling of being "in-love." On the other hand, we might fall "in-love" with someone and choose to have a romantic relationship with them, based on that feeling, even if they're wrong for us. We can marry someone and then fall "out of love" and no longer want to be with them. Or we can, even if we try not to, fall in-love with someone even if we're already attached to someone else, and then choose to go with the new person.
An uncontrollable, fickle feeling that manipulates our actions and thoughts and makes us often do what we ought not to. That's what I would label most people's notion of being "in-love."
What intelligent person would want to be led by a feeling that they did not choose to have?
Infatuation (being in-love) is not necessary to a healthy romantic relationship. Real love is a choice. An action. A commitment. Are there really different types of love as people seem to think? The love for family, the love for friends, the love for a romantic partner? Or is it all much the same love, just expressed somewhat differently (aka we might make our significant other and our closest friends a higher priority in our life than others, because we love them more, and we might have different physical expression of love depending on the person, such as having sex our significant other but not with our friends). Real love is choosing to act in the best interest of the loved one and standing by your commitment to them through good times and bad.
Hence, I can choose to be involved with a woman that I'm not infatuated with. I can ignore a state of infatuation for someone I know in the long run is not right for me. I can lose that wonderful feeling for someone and still choose to be just as committed to them and to love them just as much.
Ideally, we would always be infatuated with someone who can be our best friend, who shares our values and goals, and then hold on to that feeling forever, because it is nice feeling to have to be sure. But the world isn't an ideal place. And we'd be better off to keep that feeling in check, often times ignore it, and not let it be the foundation for a relationship with someone.
If more people put less weight on their special tingly feelings (however wonderful they might be for a time) of being "in-love," they'd be much happier people in the end.
I know one guy who found a seemingly perfect girl on e-harmony. He verbally did a check list with me of everything he wants in a mate and she basically met all his criteria. But he doesn't "feel" anything special towards her, which isn’t something he can control, so he never initiated a relationship with her that went beyond friendship because he apparently is so caught up on having that feeling. I think that's very sad...
Yes, of course it matters. Also, it can be real. My parents have been married a long time, and they are still very much in love. They hold hands, buy each other suprise gifts, laugh together, take long walks, and choose each other's company above all others. They are lucky, and I have been lucky to witness their love.
I can answer this one with a lifetime of experience and I can tell you that while it's possible to be married to someone who is dang near perfect on paper, you'll be seriously tempted to stray and know that you made a mistake when you meet the one you share chemistry with, even if he hasn't got nearly as much in common with you. I was never really happy in my marriage and very relieved when he ended it. As the song states, "It's so sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along." You can enter the marriage rationalizing to yourself that the true love feeling is going to disappear in 2 years anyway, but it doesn't really help. But then I've never had a long term relationship with someone I truly shared chemistry with so can't answer to that side of it. I can answer your question though--yes, it really and truly does matter.
I can answer this one with a lifetime of experience and I can tell you that while it's possible to be married to someone who is dang near perfect on paper, you'll be seriously tempted to stray and know that you made a mistake when you meet the one you share chemistry with, even if he hasn't got nearly as much in common with you. I was never really happy in my marriage and very relieved when he ended it. As the song states, "It's so sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along." You can enter the marriage rationalizing to yourself that the true love feeling is going to disappear in 2 years anyway, but it doesn't really help. But then I've never had a long term relationship with someone I truly shared chemistry with so can't answer to that side of it. I can answer your question though--yes, it really and truly does matter.
Yes, it matters - unless of course you don't mind a marriage of convenience and friendship only
Well to me, the whole point is marrying someone that can be your best friend. Essentially I see a spouse as my number one best friend forever. I don't really get this whole distinction between friend and lover so many people make. I'd make her my spouse/girlfriend and therefore my lover if she was or I thought she could be an amazing friend (together with meeting other standards such as shared values and goals)....Magical illogical infatuation present or not.
Well to me, the whole point is marrying someone that can be your best friend. Essentially I see a spouse as my number one best friend forever. I don't really get this whole distinction between friend and lover so many people make. I'd make her my spouse/girlfriend and therefore my lover if she was or I thought she could be an amazing friend (together with meeting other standards such as shared values and goals)....Magical illogical infatuation present or not.
How boring your married life will be with no passion! It is your life, though, so go for it.
How boring your married life will be with no passion! It is your life, though, so go for it.
So now I have to be madly infatuated with a woman to be passionate? I don't think so.
I guess some few experience lifelong infatuation but for myself and most others I should think, it always fades in time. So I guess you think the point is to find a girl that makes me all gitty and tingly on the inside, marry her eventually, enjoy a few years of passion, and then wake up one day, realize that feeling is not really there anymore, and work to maintain/improve a relationship with someone that-unless I was pretty lucky-really isn't someone I would like to be with almost every day for the rest of my life absent that feeling of infatuation...
Well to me, the whole point is marrying someone that can be your best friend. Essentially I see a spouse as my number one best friend forever. I don't really get this whole distinction between friend and lover so many people make. I'd make her my spouse/girlfriend and therefore my lover if she was or I thought she could be an amazing friend (together with meeting other standards such as shared values and goals)....Magical illogical infatuation present or not.
Well sometimes those things (friendship, shared values and goals) will make infatuation/chemistry/"in love" happen. But you're just taking a risk in case it doesn't develop. Having sex with someone without chemistry wouldn't be as hot, I presume
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